Weekend Vacation While Divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage and every family is different. Life is complicated, relationships are complicated, parenting is complicated, people are complicated. The dynamics of your family are shifting profoundly. Who knows what the future brings? But right now, you can sit down and have a conversation with your soon-to-be ex and feel him out on whether you can do this trip completely civilly and focused on building nice memories for your kids. Don’t go with him if your gut tells you that you can’t both play nice. Do make it a family trip if you believe you can.

My spouse and I called it quits on our marriage 5 years ago. We lived in separate bedrooms in the same house for another 2 years. We only started the divorce process last fall and we’ve taken it very slowly and haven’t finalized the agreement. We have dinner together with the kids once a week. We attend the kids’ school events together. We celebrate holidays and birthdays together, as a family. We’ve taken several family trips together and are planning one more big one. We don’t stay in the same hotel room. We do not observe our anniversary, but since the divorce isn’t final, we do still have one.

It may surprise you to learn that spouse started dating someone seriously after we decided to separate and has been living with her for 2 years and we still have these arrangements. I have met her and we get along, but she hasn’t celebrated any holidays or taken any trips with us yet because that’s one of my children’s preference (they’re teenagers now) and ex doesn’t force it. I can’t understand how the live-in girlfriend puts up with this arrangement, but that’s her problem.

I don’t like my ex, but I don’t dislike him either. He’s much nicer to me since we gave
up on trying to make our marriage work and I stopped giving him head space when he moved out. It took time, but I healed and let go of 98% of the negative feelings. My kids love that we still get along and have no problem spending time together. They’ll never have to worry about whether we can be civil to each other at their big life events. We still feel like a family, just a different version.

Most divorcing couples couldn’t live like this, but just because very few people can doesn’t mean that no one can. You need to find what works for your individual family.

+1 similar boat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks! I have this vision of family vacations in the future. The past few days have been especially tough as divorce process is getting real and some of the behaviors of yelling and insults have been present. But our kids are early elementary and this trip would be more centered on them. I want them to have good memories and hope we can be civil. Honestly less stressful on my own emotionally but don’t want my spouse to feel left out.

I you are having visions of family vacations in the future, I suggest you stay married. That thinking is delusional. You will see the rare post from people who say they vacation with their ex and kids but the vast majority of divorced people do not.

Even if you start out doing this, this will fall apart once one of you gets in a relationship with someone else.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

+1 some people put kids first even if divorced. No relationship is worth it. Ex and I agree no other person will impact our parenting. Neither of us plan to remarry.

And how long have you been divorced? You seriously think your ex is going to stay single for life to cater to and vacation with you, his ex? Dream on.

I have divorced friends like this who had this vision. Women who initiated the divorce, thought they would still spend holidays together, have a great coparenting relationship. Now they are all mad at their exes, and sometimes their exes new wives, for not adhering to this fantasy.

I’ve been divorced for five years. We stopped spending holidays together before we divorced, but we still do kids, birthdays and occasional dinners and a beach weekend every year. Five years post divorce we are more adamant that neither of us are ever getting remarried. There is a small possibility, of course, but neither of us seeing it happening at least for 10 years when the kids are grown up, and if it did happen sooner, there would be an ironclad prenup, but pretty much both of us. Agree that or not letting anybody else get involved in our parenting.

[Anonymous]

Why are you getting divorced?

I think the why is important here. It can impact my answer / others’ answers.

[Anonymous]

Go alone. He will miss out. It may be beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Pp here. I am 45 so not younger than you. Not sure what you consider moving on. I think every divorce has at least one party dating almost immediately since they were already separated. Some may have already been dating while separated. It isn’t like they are getting married immediately after but they are going on dates, having sex, have girlfriends and romantically involved. I don’t know if it makes a difference but our friends are all attractive and successful. DH’s divorced friends do especially well since they are good looking, rich and successful. They date hot women almost immediately, go on trips with them. Two friends got married. One had another kid and got divorced after a year. Other one who remarried seems happy.

One couple who didn’t move on are unhappy people. They were unhappy together and unhappy separately. The husband speaks very poorly of wife and I know sleeps around on tinder on his weeks without kids.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I have acquaintances where divorce happened after cheating. Some of these men and women left their spouse for their affair partners. Some cheated and just got divorced. Some cheat and they stay married.

In our mid-late forties, many of our friends’ marriages seem to be rocky or just meh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP We are still living together but not sharing a bed. We aren’t divorced yet but are about to start the process. It’s more do we do any kid of trip with the kids.

As not to confuse your children by sending the wrong message -> I strongly encourage you to take this trip sans your spouse.

But the fact that you are even considering having him come along clearly shows that you are not quite ready to let him go just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP We are still living together but not sharing a bed. We aren’t divorced yet but are about to start the process. It’s more do we do any kid of trip with the kids.

As not to confuse your children by sending the wrong message -> I strongly encourage you to take this trip sans your spouse.

But the fact that you are even considering having him come along clearly shows that you are not quite ready to let him go just yet.

Going on a trip does not confuse kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Pp here. I am 45 so not younger than you. Not sure what you consider moving on. I think every divorce has at least one party dating almost immediately since they were already separated. Some may have already been dating while separated. It isn’t like they are getting married immediately after but they are going on dates, having sex, have girlfriends and romantically involved. I don’t know if it makes a difference but our friends are all attractive and successful. DH’s divorced friends do especially well since they are good looking, rich and successful. They date hot women almost immediately, go on trips with them. Two friends got married. One had another kid and got divorced after a year. Other one who remarried seems happy.

One couple who didn’t move on are unhappy people. They were unhappy together and unhappy separately. The husband speaks very poorly of wife and I know sleeps around on tinder on his weeks without kids.

PP here. I do not know a single divorce like this. Not one. So, your idea that you think “every divorce” is like this is dead wrong.

The divorces I know, including mine, no one wants a serious relationship or boyfriend or girlfriend. Casual dating only. And after a divorce! Not during separation. No mixing money or remarriage or confusing kids with other relationships. I am also 45. Everyone has elementary kids that I know—married and divorced. Kids first. I know zero divorces like you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Pp here. I am 45 so not younger than you. Not sure what you consider moving on. I think every divorce has at least one party dating almost immediately since they were already separated. Some may have already been dating while separated. It isn’t like they are getting married immediately after but they are going on dates, having sex, have girlfriends and romantically involved. I don’t know if it makes a difference but our friends are all attractive and successful. DH’s divorced friends do especially well since they are good looking, rich and successful. They date hot women almost immediately, go on trips with them. Two friends got married. One had another kid and got divorced after a year. Other one who remarried seems happy.

One couple who didn’t move on are unhappy people. They were unhappy together and unhappy separately. The husband speaks very poorly of wife and I know sleeps around on tinder on his weeks without kids.

PP here. I do not know a single divorce like this. Not one. So, your idea that you think “every divorce” is like this is dead wrong.

The divorces I know, including mine, no one wants a serious relationship or boyfriend or girlfriend. Casual dating only. And after a divorce! Not during separation. No mixing money or remarriage or confusing kids with other relationships. I am also 45. Everyone has elementary kids that I know—married and divorced. Kids first. I know zero divorces like you describe.

Do you participate in online dating? I do and there are a ton of men on there, separated or divorced, who are dating a ton. I also have friends who’ve gotten married to men who were within a year of divorce or separation when they met.

I personally only date men who have been divorced at least a year because I find many post divorced men are in the “post divorce slutty stage” and I want no part of that. I also want men who’ve had to learn how to take care of their kids on their own rather than shifting it onto a stepmom just after divorce. But I think a lot of them move on from that stage after about a year and get into serious relationships, including marriage.

The reality is marriage is usually a pretty good deal for men and many of the want a new one when their wives divorce them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Pp here. I am 45 so not younger than you. Not sure what you consider moving on. I think every divorce has at least one party dating almost immediately since they were already separated. Some may have already been dating while separated. It isn’t like they are getting married immediately after but they are going on dates, having sex, have girlfriends and romantically involved. I don’t know if it makes a difference but our friends are all attractive and successful. DH’s divorced friends do especially well since they are good looking, rich and successful. They date hot women almost immediately, go on trips with them. Two friends got married. One had another kid and got divorced after a year. Other one who remarried seems happy.

One couple who didn’t move on are unhappy people. They were unhappy together and unhappy separately. The husband speaks very poorly of wife and I know sleeps around on tinder on his weeks without kids.

PP here. I do not know a single divorce like this. Not one. So, your idea that you think “every divorce” is like this is dead wrong.

The divorces I know, including mine, no one wants a serious relationship or boyfriend or girlfriend. Casual dating only. And after a divorce! Not during separation. No mixing money or remarriage or confusing kids with other relationships. I am also 45. Everyone has elementary kids that I know—married and divorced. Kids first. I know zero divorces like you describe.

Do you participate in online dating? I do and there are a ton of men on there, separated or divorced, who are dating a ton. I also have friends who’ve gotten married to men who were within a year of divorce or separation when they met.

I personally only date men who have been divorced at least a year because I find many post divorced men are in the “post divorce slutty stage” and I want no part of that. I also want men who’ve had to learn how to take care of their kids on their own rather than shifting it onto a stepmom just after divorce. But I think a lot of them move on from that stage after about a year and get into serious relationships, including marriage.

The reality is marriage is usually a pretty good deal for men and many of the want a new one when their wives divorce them

Yes, I date online. I don’t date separated men. I have dated two divorced men—neither want to remarry. My ex is 50. He does not want to remarry and neither does three of his divorced friends his age.

I usually date never-married men without kids who are about 5 years younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Pp here. I am 45 so not younger than you. Not sure what you consider moving on. I think every divorce has at least one party dating almost immediately since they were already separated. Some may have already been dating while separated. It isn’t like they are getting married immediately after but they are going on dates, having sex, have girlfriends and romantically involved. I don’t know if it makes a difference but our friends are all attractive and successful. DH’s divorced friends do especially well since they are good looking, rich and successful. They date hot women almost immediately, go on trips with them. Two friends got married. One had another kid and got divorced after a year. Other one who remarried seems happy.

One couple who didn’t move on are unhappy people. They were unhappy together and unhappy separately. The husband speaks very poorly of wife and I know sleeps around on tinder on his weeks without kids.

PP here. I do not know a single divorce like this. Not one. So, your idea that you think “every divorce” is like this is dead wrong.

The divorces I know, including mine, no one wants a serious relationship or boyfriend or girlfriend. Casual dating only. And after a divorce! Not during separation. No mixing money or remarriage or confusing kids with other relationships. I am also 45. Everyone has elementary kids that I know—married and divorced. Kids first. I know zero divorces like you describe.

Casually dating is dating. Who said anything about mixing money or remarriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP We are still living together but not sharing a bed. We aren’t divorced yet but are about to start the process. It’s more do we do any kid of trip with the kids.

As not to confuse your children by sending the wrong message -> I strongly encourage you to take this trip sans your spouse.

But the fact that you are even considering having him come along clearly shows that you are not quite ready to let him go just yet.

Going on a trip does not confuse kids

Why do you think it wouldn’t confuse the kids? I would think it would.

[Anonymous]

In what world do these women think they can keep all the happy family and no one moves on and dates?

Why didn’t you just stay married?