Expecting people to help you move in your forties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s my BIL and SIL. Can’t politely decline or say I’m unavailable. It’s frustrating because I know they can afford to hire movers, they’re just too cheap and would rather rely in free help from family and friends.

It’s my husband’s younger brother so he’s spending all day there helping him when we have shit we need to get done here to prepare for the work week.

"Sorry! With Larlo spending all day helping you, I'll have all of his usual chores to deal with. Can't wait to see the place once you've moved in!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

I know these cheapskates in every culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Nope, her follow up indicates that this is an additional issue/problem, and that's all. I know some of you are REALLY determined to turn threads back on the OP no matter how much you have to twist yourselves into pretzels, and it's really tiresome. Give it a rest, folks.

I think OP's real problem is with her husband because I don't think her stated problem is real.

OP is like "shouldn't these people hire movers? they can afford them." But what many of us are saying is that it doesn't matter. You don't have to help them move, but if they want to try and do it without movers, that's up to them.

Which again, brings us back to the real issue, which is that OP doesn't want her husband to help his brother move. That's a marital issue, not a question of etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

[Anonymous]

I agree, the heavy lifting should be left to professionals, but for close friends or relatives, I would help with packing the kitchen or fragile stuff and maybe doing one run with that, if not too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.

But if the issue is that her DH can't say no, then it has nothing to do with the IL's perceived cheapness. It's an issue with her DH being unable to say no to his family.

Besides, that's not what OP said. She just said her DH has agreed to help his brother move and she's mad about it. She didn't say he really doesn't want to but feels in has to. In fact, she is the one saying that she feels like she can't say no to helping even though numerous posters have explained that yes, of course she can.

My presumption is that people do what they want and what works for them. So if her DH is helping his brother move, I assume it's because he wants to. I'm guessing OP, who very clearly does not want to help, will find a way not to do so. One strategy she has is to come on here and complain about the very fact that her ILs are asking. She will use this to help get out of it. But what I'm saying is that she doesn't have to. She can just say that she doesn't want to help move.

[Anonymous]

Her DH is free to help his brother and SIL with their big move but he'd better not come home complaining about pain in his back and knees. My 30 yr old brother helped a friend move a piece of furniture and his back has never been the same. Guys especially don't want to say no to carrying something heavy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.

But if the issue is that her DH can't say no, then it has nothing to do with the IL's perceived cheapness. It's an issue with her DH being unable to say no to his family.

Besides, that's not what OP said. She just said her DH has agreed to help his brother move and she's mad about it. She didn't say he really doesn't want to but feels in has to. In fact, she is the one saying that she feels like she can't say no to helping even though numerous posters have explained that yes, of course she can.

My presumption is that people do what they want and what works for them. So if her DH is helping his brother move, I assume it's because he wants to. I'm guessing OP, who very clearly does not want to help, will find a way not to do so. One strategy she has is to come on here and complain about the very fact that her ILs are asking. She will use this to help get out of it. But what I'm saying is that she doesn't have to. She can just say that she doesn't want to help move.

ILs are too cheap to hire movers and impose on OP and DH to help because they are family. If the ILs could not afford movers, OP would have said so. OP was checking with DCUM to see if this was the norm in your 40s to ask other people to help move you for free. DCUM responded by saying it is not.

[Anonymous]

I'd help pack but would decline helping with the actual moving part--and I'm a pretty strong woman who lifts heavy weights. Hire pros--or tell them to hire pros. Offer whatever you're willing to do--goodwill run, pack the kitchen, whatever, but make it clear to all of them that your husband also has home responsibilities that need to be tended to so doesn't have unlimited availability.

[Anonymous]

OP stop being a drama queen and grow a spine while you’re at it. They’re not randos asking you to help move. They’re family. If you don’t want to do it, just say that. I’m pretty sure the relationship will survive. Of course, don’t ask THEM for any help in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.

But if the issue is that her DH can't say no, then it has nothing to do with the IL's perceived cheapness. It's an issue with her DH being unable to say no to his family.

Besides, that's not what OP said. She just said her DH has agreed to help his brother move and she's mad about it. She didn't say he really doesn't want to but feels in has to. In fact, she is the one saying that she feels like she can't say no to helping even though numerous posters have explained that yes, of course she can.

My presumption is that people do what they want and what works for them. So if her DH is helping his brother move, I assume it's because he wants to. I'm guessing OP, who very clearly does not want to help, will find a way not to do so. One strategy she has is to come on here and complain about the very fact that her ILs are asking. She will use this to help get out of it. But what I'm saying is that she doesn't have to. She can just say that she doesn't want to help move.

ILs are too cheap to hire movers and impose on OP and DH to help because they are family. If the ILs could not afford movers, OP would have said so. OP was checking with DCUM to see if this was the norm in your 40s to ask other people to help move you for free. DCUM responded by saying it is not.

True but that’s not OP’s real problem. If she were married to DCUM, she wouldn’t have a problem at all. Her problem is her husband was willing to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

Is your time free? Do you give away free labor? Most people don't. Nothing in life is free and you may get injured in the process. Just say no because it's not something people in their 40s should have to do to spare cheap family a few bucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.

But if the issue is that her DH can't say no, then it has nothing to do with the IL's perceived cheapness. It's an issue with her DH being unable to say no to his family.

Besides, that's not what OP said. She just said her DH has agreed to help his brother move and she's mad about it. She didn't say he really doesn't want to but feels in has to. In fact, she is the one saying that she feels like she can't say no to helping even though numerous posters have explained that yes, of course she can.

My presumption is that people do what they want and what works for them. So if her DH is helping his brother move, I assume it's because he wants to. I'm guessing OP, who very clearly does not want to help, will find a way not to do so. One strategy she has is to come on here and complain about the very fact that her ILs are asking. She will use this to help get out of it. But what I'm saying is that she doesn't have to. She can just say that she doesn't want to help move.

ILs are too cheap to hire movers and impose on OP and DH to help because they are family. If the ILs could not afford movers, OP would have said so. OP was checking with DCUM to see if this was the norm in your 40s to ask other people to help move you for free. DCUM responded by saying it is not.

True but that’s not OP’s real problem. If she were married to DCUM, she wouldn’t have a problem at all. Her problem is her husband was willing to do it.

They are asking her to help too, not just DH.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50s and would hire movers AND ask for help. HA!