Expecting people to help you move in your forties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50s and would hire movers AND ask for help. HA!

Help with what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

The in-laws didn’t ask for help. In the OP the IL said “which weekend would you like to help?” That’s not asking. That’s telling. The only option OP got was which weekend. It was assumed she would pick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, the heavy lifting should be left to professionals, but for close friends or relatives, I would help with packing the kitchen or fragile stuff and maybe doing one run with that, if not too far.

Once you're there, you will be asked to do a lot more even if not moving heavy items. Most homes need their shelves dusted or wiped down before putting things away if not swept and vacuumed. It's a full day of hands-on work at least, if not a few days, so you'd better be ready to do whatever needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say "Sorry, I don't want to risk hurting myself." or you laugh and say "Aren't you old enough to hire movers yet??"

Forget 40s. When I was a 20-something big law associate, another big law associate asked me and my husband to help move. We laughed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be lifting boxes, but I’d offer to spend time either unpacking or putting in shelf liners or something easier on the back like that. And I’d say, “My back can’t handle dealing with boxes. I’m too old for that anymore. But I’ll [xyz].” If you don’t help at all, OP, then don’t look for any favors from them in future.

I’m with you, OP, that the actual packing and carrying of boxes should be done by paid professionals once you’re over 35, assuming you can at all afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

The in-laws didn’t ask for help. In the OP the IL said “which weekend would you like to help?” That’s not asking. That’s telling. The only option OP got was which weekend. It was assumed she would pick one.

Exactly. That is the way a parent talks to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be lifting boxes, but I’d offer to spend time either unpacking or putting in shelf liners or something easier on the back like that. And I’d say, “My back can’t handle dealing with boxes. I’m too old for that anymore. But I’ll [xyz].” If you don’t help at all, OP, then don’t look for any favors from them in future.

I’m with you, OP, that the actual packing and carrying of boxes should be done by paid professionals once you’re over 35, assuming you can at all afford it.

I doubt OP intends to ask for any favors from BIL and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

[Anonymous]

OP where’d you go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be lifting boxes, but I’d offer to spend time either unpacking or putting in shelf liners or something easier on the back like that. And I’d say, “My back can’t handle dealing with boxes. I’m too old for that anymore. But I’ll [xyz].” If you don’t help at all, OP, then don’t look for any favors from them in future.

I’m with you, OP, that the actual packing and carrying of boxes should be done by paid professionals once you’re over 35, assuming you can at all afford it.

She'll be packing boxes and carrying other stuff. I'll bet they only have the movers doing the furniture and big items. Sounds like they are moving a lot of boxes themselves. So packing, lifting, using their cars, unpacking, cleaning, etc.

[Anonymous]

3 weekends means a lot of personal schlepping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.

But if the issue is that her DH can't say no, then it has nothing to do with the IL's perceived cheapness. It's an issue with her DH being unable to say no to his family.

Besides, that's not what OP said. She just said her DH has agreed to help his brother move and she's mad about it. She didn't say he really doesn't want to but feels in has to. In fact, she is the one saying that she feels like she can't say no to helping even though numerous posters have explained that yes, of course she can.

My presumption is that people do what they want and what works for them. So if her DH is helping his brother move, I assume it's because he wants to. I'm guessing OP, who very clearly does not want to help, will find a way not to do so. One strategy she has is to come on here and complain about the very fact that her ILs are asking. She will use this to help get out of it. But what I'm saying is that she doesn't have to. She can just say that she doesn't want to help move.

ILs are too cheap to hire movers and impose on OP and DH to help because they are family. If the ILs could not afford movers, OP would have said so. OP was checking with DCUM to see if this was the norm in your 40s to ask other people to help move you for free. DCUM responded by saying it is not.

True but that’s not OP’s real problem. If she were married to DCUM, she wouldn’t have a problem at all. Her problem is her husband was willing to do it.

They are asking her to help too, not just DH.

Which isn’t a problem at all. As many people have already pointed out with sample scripts for saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously I’m not moving boxes but I could not imagine saying I can’t help unpack the kitchen 1 weekend day or not let my H do what he wants because I feel jealous he’s spending time with his sibling.

Btw, if your over 40 why not hire someone to do the chores at your house you need done?

OP should hire someone to work at her house so she can go unpack her BIL’s house?
I can’t figure if you’re trolling or just dumb.

My vote is just dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.