How do people find marriage partners in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

24 y/o men don’t do trial runs for marriage. They found a girl to sleep and hangout with, agree to move in together, and then at some point a few years later she finally drags him over the finish line.

Yes, this is the opposite thing I wanted. I know some men just married however was around at the time they felt like they were ready to get married, and felt like they owed it to the woman who had been with them for many years. Sometimes it worked out but often they just didn't seem to like their wives that much. I never wanted to wonder if my husband really loved me deeply or if I just wore him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think this is something people should be aiming for. I do not think people tend to make great life choices in their early 20s, and picking a partner for life is one of them.

No. Don't wait until after 30 to make finding your mate a "sort of" priority. Well, do that if you want to be 40 alone with three cats. Land him in your prime. Your 20s.

+1. Focus on making better life choices in your mid 20s instead of Peter Pan syndrome.

[Anonymous]

I met my DH before the start of senior year of college when we did an internship together. I was just coming out of a long, tortured FWB situation and I had told myself that I was going to have a summer of not dating at all. I met now DH and within a week or two, I found myself with a feeling I couldn’t explain that I knew we would end up getting married.

We dated for 5 years and got married at 26 after each of us had finished grad school and did long distance for a year. It’s been almost 13 years now and things are going well.

Also, we moved in together at around 24/25 as basically a trial run at marriage before getting engaged. That pattern was extremely common among our friends, except ones that were extremely religious. I’m finding the responses above to the young man living with his girlfriend at 24 to be really off base. Maybe all those posters are older/from a different era?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

Getting free sex in your 20s benefits men more, not women. It is prime years for women to find a worthy spouse. She is wasting it by playing house with a man without the benefit of a ring. What trial run for marriage does this man need? He already knows her character and if there are dealbreakers like promiscuity or addiction. Which obviously there are not. What else does he need to know? Will he breakup with her if she is a lousy cook or a messy person or if she snores? SMH.

Good for the PP's son to arrange for a free hole for his pole, but, OMG, young women are sooooo fekking stupid!!

I think this is a disturbing way of looking at sex and I do believe there are men capable of viewing women as more than a “hole for their pole”. That said, I am not against premarital sex and don’t view sex as something I had to trade for marriage so I think I am coming at this from a different vantage point.

As someone who married in my mid 20s I dated men who were kind and respectful of me and got serious with someone who wanted to pursue the same things I wanted in terms of marriage and kids. We met at a friends holiday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think this is something people should be aiming for. I do not think people tend to make great life choices in their early 20s, and picking a partner for life is one of them.

No. Don't wait until after 30 to make finding your mate a "sort of" priority. Well, do that if you want to be 40 alone with three cats. Land him in your prime. Your 20s.

Just stop with this trope already, brunch granny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

Getting free sex in your 20s benefits men more, not women. It is prime years for women to find a worthy spouse. She is wasting it by playing house with a man without the benefit of a ring. What trial run for marriage does this man need? He already knows her character and if there are dealbreakers like promiscuity or addiction. Which obviously there are not. What else does he need to know? Will he breakup with her if she is a lousy cook or a messy person or if she snores? SMH.

Good for the PP's son to arrange for a free hole for his pole, but, OMG, young women are sooooo fekking stupid!!

I think this is a disturbing way of looking at sex and I do believe there are men capable of viewing women as more than a “hole for their pole”. That said, I am not against premarital sex and don’t view sex as something I had to trade for marriage so I think I am coming at this from a different vantage point.

As someone who married in my mid 20s I dated men who were kind and respectful of me and got serious with someone who wanted to pursue the same things I wanted in terms of marriage and kids. We met at a friends holiday party.

Agree, and there are even men who are afraid of commitment and will end up wasting her time if they are living together. They want sex, sure, but also companionship.

[Anonymous]

Even if young people are mature and find great partners, others misguide them into keep playing the field. Parents are also very protective of their nuclear families and doesn't want adult children to become fully independent, single seems like a child to them while coupled seems like out of their control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think this is something people should be aiming for. I do not think people tend to make great life choices in their early 20s, and picking a partner for life is one of them.

No. Don't wait until after 30 to make finding your mate a "sort of" priority. Well, do that if you want to be 40 alone with three cats. Land him in your prime. Your 20s.

There are many years between 22 and 30. Everyone I know who married in their early 20s is now divorced. A lot who married in their mid 20s are also divorced. No one is saying to wait until 30.

[Anonymous]

In this era of instant gratification, tinder, casual sex, shallowness o feel for anyone who actually wants to settle and be married.

[Anonymous]

I saw scary statistics out there about how how men are less and less interest in sex, have lower libido, and are happy just being single. Now combined this with the fact there are more women than men and the pool of men is further shrinking due to suicide and drug abuse. The competition is fierce. I think it’s far easier today for a man to pick and choose than the other way around. Sadly the ratio is in favour of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met at work. It happens. Think about it. If you work for a large company, people are somewhat pre-selected based on background. We were not the only ones who dated or hooked up at that long gone employer. Accounting firms are notorious for this.

Laughing thinking about my friend’s experience at a local accounting firm. The whole cohort of new hires were going out for HH every night and hooking up constantly. My friend very quickly saw that was NOT where she’d meet her husband, but ended up meeting him through a friend she made in that cohort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

24 y/o men don’t do trial runs for marriage. They found a girl to sleep and hangout with, agree to move in together, and then at some point a few years later she finally drags him over the finish line.

Yes, this is the opposite thing I wanted. I know some men just married however was around at the time they felt like they were ready to get married, and felt like they owed it to the woman who had been with them for many years. Sometimes it worked out but often they just didn't seem to like their wives that much. I never wanted to wonder if my husband really loved me deeply or if I just wore him down.

Don’t delude yourself. Either way it’s because you were in the right place at the right time.

You know what they say. Women want to get married when they meet the right guy. Men want to get married when it’s the right time.

[Anonymous]

DH told me I was the one when we started dating at ages 24 and 25. He proposed 2 years later. He was in med school.

I think the stronger the person, the easier it is to make it work. A very strong student could easily get a job in NYC or SF.

I wanted to move to NY for work. DH moved to NYC for me. I know couples are who couples matched for residency. If you are a lawyer, very easy to get a job in NYC. Same for NYC, DC, LA, Chicago, etc. obviously you have to be in love and want to make it work.

I have gone on a date where I didn’t even want to travel to the other side of Boston or Manhattan, a fifteen minute hassle. I remember there was a decent guy who would always want me to hang out with him but it required me to transfer trains. I never once went to him. I would only hang out if he came to me. I remember him getting upset and annoyed. That relationship didn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Almost all of my female friends who married in their mid-20s (and didn’t meet their spouse in college) met their spouses online, either while working or in grad school. You do hear a few ”serendipity” type stories (one couple I know met on an airplane, and another met through work as a real estate lawyer and a general contractor), and a few were set up through friends, but all the others were online dating/apps. And most of them ended up with guys a few years older. You just have to be up front about your expectations and not afraid to scare guys away. Those aren’t the ones for you anyway!

[Anonymous]

Met in college sophomore year while dating others. Were friends for over a year. Broke up with others. One evening, went to the movies and it felt like a date, rather than just friends meeting up at movies. Dated through senior year.

After college ended up in 2 different countries. Stayed long distance for the next 7-8 years during which broke up and got back together 3-4 times. Moved ahead along career paths and graduate degree. Got married at 30. Have been married almost 20 years.

Not sure ours is a path to emulate or to aspire to, but that’s what we had.