How do people find marriage partners in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

I met DH in college in a study group. Any advice I would have for somebody based on my own experience is likely going to be outdated because this was before apps, but it would be to just get out of your comfort zone and talk to people, regardless of how weird or awkward you think you sound. Also don't rely on alcohol to get you social so that people get to know the real you. This advice has the benefit of being good not just for finding partners, but also making friends!

I know what you're saying about not sounding desperate, and here are my thoughts about that. This is a big gender generalization but I think that when men meet the person they want to marry, they know it really quickly. So even if you have an attitude of "At this time of life I could take it or leave it" about marriage, a man who really wants you will pursue you hard enough for you to know he wants to marry you. And the part about not sounding desperate for me was more about not feeling desperate. I wanted to get married someday but the partner was more important than the status, and so it wasn't hard to act like I wasn't eager to get married. And I guess there was also that element of him chasing me because I did have my own life with friends, family, and interests and I wasn't going to ditch it all for him. I wasn't playing hard to get, I just really wasn't easy to get. On the other hand, when I was around my future husband, he could tell that I *really* liked him so that was enough encouragement for him to keep pursuing.

But none of this was calculated and I didn't have the goal of settling down early. I don't think it's something you can force.

[Anonymous]

I met DH when I was 25. We met through mutual friends. I was out dating or out with friends all the time and doing online dating (pre-apps hah), so meeting all sorts of guys, so I think the first thing is just saying yes to any and all social events where you could possibly meet someone and just generally putting yourself out there even if the guy isn’t perfect (esp. physically) on paper - it is a bit of an odds game and early/mid 20s is absolutely the best time numbers-wise to find your person (not that it can’t be done later but there are just fewer opportunities).

Then I think, if you’re looking to get married, you really need to look at the qualities of the guy - is he reliable? Is he trustworthy? Is he generous? Does he put you first? Does he have a good career (or is at least starting the path to one)? Look at his friends too, are they getting engaged/married, or are they avoiding commitment?

These are not necessarily “exciting” qualities but they are ones that will make a good husband/father and someone who is likely to want to propose/settle down. Don’t waste time with someone you’ll have to convince - you might get what you want but I don’t think it’s a good long-term sign. And don’t focus on really superficial things, like if he is cute and funny and successful and treats you amazingly but is 5’9”… maybe get over that!

[Anonymous]

I met DH at a party my second weekend of college. We started dating a month later, got married after college, and are still together 12 years later. I feel very lucky.

[Anonymous]

We used to live in a more rural part of the mid-Atlantic region, about 1.5 hours from DC, as one of us got assigned there for work for a year. We did the usual DC thing and got married in 30s after grad school.

In that town, only 20% had even been to college, so most people got married in their 20s. I felt downright old when I'd see other parents in my kids' classes!

[Anonymous]

I met DH at work when I was 23 and he was 28. Neither of us are big partiers or into that scene.
It just happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know LTRs of course happen in college, but even the LTRs I knew about in college for the most part had some kind of expiration date or risk of one as people went their separate ways for jobs. Other than that, my experience dating from age 20-25 was that you just don't bring up the idea of being marriage-minded or commitment-minded, or else you come off as desperate. You were supposed to be "chill" with whatever happened and smile and hope for the best. This was my era, about 10 years ago.

If you married or found the partner you were to marry when you were in your early 20s, how did it go? What would be your advice to people who do want to settle down relatively early, but not scare men away by sounding too desperate for commitment? And how do you navigate the risks that come with transience of that stage of life? And let's say you're not religious and into meeting people at church socials and the like. Did you meet in college, at a job or internship? Did you stay close to where you grew up, or choose to stay in the city where you went to school? It seems like most people in their 20s aren't sure where they want to be within the next 5 years, let alone who they want to be with.

I’m 34 now. Even when I dated in college, I was honest that I wanted to get married someday. I was also honest that I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship/hadn’t met the right person. After a couple of long term relationships that didn’t work out, and a few shorter term ones, at 23/24 I knew generally what my dealbreakers were and was ready to be in a serious relationship moving towards marriage.

I had a short list of traits I was unwilling to compromise on. I was on an online dating app (paid) for 4 months after a breakup. I dated like it was a job for that summer. It was brutal, met a lot of duds and I’m sure people felt that way about me. Went on second dates if they had the traits that were important to me. I met dh at the end of that summer through the app.

A year before that, I had also met someone I could have been serious about through a setup from two people who knew us both well and thought we’d click. But I wasn’t ready or over a previous relationship at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know LTRs of course happen in college, but even the LTRs I knew about in college for the most part had some kind of expiration date or risk of one as people went their separate ways for jobs. Other than that, my experience dating from age 20-25 was that you just don't bring up the idea of being marriage-minded or commitment-minded, or else you come off as desperate. You were supposed to be "chill" with whatever happened and smile and hope for the best. This was my era, about 10 years ago.

If you married or found the partner you were to marry when you were in your early 20s, how did it go? What would be your advice to people who do want to settle down relatively early, but not scare men away by sounding too desperate for commitment? And how do you navigate the risks that come with transience of that stage of life? And let's say you're not religious and into meeting people at church socials and the like. Did you meet in college, at a job or internship? Did you stay close to where you grew up, or choose to stay in the city where you went to school? It seems like most people in their 20s aren't sure where they want to be within the next 5 years, let alone who they want to be with.

I’m 34 now. Even when I dated in college, I was honest that I wanted to get married someday. I was also honest that I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship/hadn’t met the right person. After a couple of long term relationships that didn’t work out, and a few shorter term ones, at 23/24 I knew generally what my dealbreakers were and was ready to be in a serious relationship moving towards marriage.

I had a short list of traits I was unwilling to compromise on. I was on an online dating app (paid) for 4 months after a breakup. I dated like it was a job for that summer. It was brutal, met a lot of duds and I’m sure people felt that way about me. Went on second dates if they had the traits that were important to me. I met dh at the end of that summer through the app.

A year before that, I had also met someone I could have been serious about through a setup from two people who knew us both well and thought we’d click. But I wasn’t ready or over a previous relationship at the time.

I will add that “wants to be married” was one of the traits that was important to me. There are ways to gently broach the topic if you are giving with someone and it weeds out people you’re incompatible with.

[Anonymous]

Met our first semester of grad school. I was 22 and we were married at 25. We both moved to a big city away from our hometowns and enjoyed the change of pace, focusing on our careers, supporting each other. A lot of our friends got married coming out of grad school as well (all but one set still together 15 years later). We went through the “transience” as a team - so glad I experienced my 20s with my best friend by my side to share it with. We saved our pennies together, traveled together and created a solid foundation for our parenting life that came down the road.

I didn’t shy away from the fact that I was looking to get married even in my 20s, and I made it clear when he started talking about the city that I wouldn’t be joining him without a ring. He was also really mature, had a good relationship with his family, career focused and not scared off by the idea of commitment. I don’t understand why, if you are looking for marriage, you wouldn’t speak up. If someone is spooked by the idea of committing, then they aren’t the person for you, no?

[Anonymous]

We met at work. It happens. Think about it. If you work for a large company, people are somewhat pre-selected based on background. We were not the only ones who dated or hooked up at that long gone employer. Accounting firms are notorious for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met at work. It happens. Think about it. If you work for a large company, people are somewhat pre-selected based on background. We were not the only ones who dated or hooked up at that long gone employer. Accounting firms are notorious for this.

This is considered crass nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We met at work. It happens. Think about it. If you work for a large company, people are somewhat pre-selected based on background. We were not the only ones who dated or hooked up at that long gone employer. Accounting firms are notorious for this.

This is considered crass nowadays.

Is it? I would consider hooking up at the office crass, but not normal, relatively discreet dating.

[Anonymous]

Met DH online when I was 23 (10 years ago). most friends met their spouses in early 20s online or at work (assuming they did not meet in college).

[Anonymous]

It’s not how you meet but the location you are in. Like Boston is a great town for dating for young people because so many smart people flock to the numerous universities. On the online apps you are bound to meet more eligible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know LTRs of course happen in college, but even the LTRs I knew about in college for the most part had some kind of expiration date or risk of one as people went their separate ways for jobs. Other than that, my experience dating from age 20-25 was that you just don't bring up the idea of being marriage-minded or commitment-minded, or else you come off as desperate. You were supposed to be "chill" with whatever happened and smile and hope for the best. This was my era, about 10 years ago.

If you married or found the partner you were to marry when you were in your early 20s, how did it go? What would be your advice to people who do want to settle down relatively early, but not scare men away by sounding too desperate for commitment? And how do you navigate the risks that come with transience of that stage of life? And let's say you're not religious and into meeting people at church socials and the like. Did you meet in college, at a job or internship? Did you stay close to where you grew up, or choose to stay in the city where you went to school? It seems like most people in their 20s aren't sure where they want to be within the next 5 years, let alone who they want to be with.

I would think marriage minded women in their early 20s would have more luck dating men in their late 20s/early 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think this is something people should be aiming for. I do not think people tend to make great life choices in their early 20s, and picking a partner for life is one of them.

No. Don't wait until after 30 to make finding your mate a "sort of" priority. Well, do that if you want to be 40 alone with three cats. Land him in your prime. Your 20s.