DH mid life crisis

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on surviving DH’s mid-life crisis behavior? Late 40s, married 15 yrs, 1 kid - 14yrs old. Divorce or stick it out?

Pros
Great house, amazing school district, both have decent jobs, ok split of household expenses, peaceful environment- no fighting or abuse. We are respectful. Both attractive- look like perfect couple from outside.

Cons
Increased distance from relationship, I am not his priority lately, DH feels like he’s suffocating and needs space - worried about getting older, increased physical activities (running/bike- 4 hrs per week) increased video game playing (2 hrs per night), more focus on his hobbies to feel happy. We are glorified roommates at this point. No sex (not that we ever had a lot) but no cheating - can’t find any evidence. He‘s content living like this. Sees an individual therapist a few times a month which is where this “find what makes you happy” shift has come from. More escaping/avoiding behavior from my perspective.

We’ve done couple counseling - but progress doesn’t stick. Any attempts to actually work through this are avoided. Do I suck it up until kid is out of high school? I don’t see DH having the courage to leave despite his search for happiness, and disrupting our kid’s life at this point feels selfish to me.

'

Have you sat down with him -- NOT when he's eager to go do one of his hobbies or he's about to leave to take your kid somehwere etc. etc. -- and said what's in the bold? "We've done couples counseling but progress doesn't stick as far as I can see. I am feeling as if we are increasingly roommates, not a married couple and a partnership. I realize that your therapy is focusing you on doing what makes you happy and I support your being healthier, exercising, and having hobbies. But I also feel as if I don't interact with you and am something from which you're escaping. I'd like to talk about that right now, with a goal of restarting couples therapy so we can get back on track as a married couple and not as roommates."

I would also already have a first appointment lined up before you have this talk, so you can say that you've been looking and found someone to see you. Emphasize that you see a problem in the marriage, and if he says he doesn't see one and he thinks things are all good -- I've said this here before, but: If ONE person in a relationship perceives a problem with it, then there IS a problem with it, even if the other person simply does not perceive a problem at all. The relationship is a third thing, an entity of its own, comprised of the two of you and bigger than each of you individually. He is not feeding the relationship but honestly I'm not sure you are either, OP, unless maybe you're asking for time and he's saying no, you're asking for sex and get turned down, he won't engage with you on any level--??

Everything you cite does not sound like divorce-worthy stuff if you actually still love him as a person. Go back and think about why you and he married in the first place. And why he's in therapy himself and seems so avoidant. It does sound as if he's in his own bubble within the marriage and family, and he likely will not see at first that he's doing that. He needs to know that you perceive there's a lot of distance between you. And you need to decide if you'll work to make the marriage a marriage again. You sound like you've given up but I don't see any evidence that you have approached him to be crystal clear about how seriously this is making you question the marriage. (If you have, sorry. But I'd try again and he needs a real "come to Jesus" talk as the saying goes.)

OP here - thank you, definitely the advice that is much appreciated. I do still love him and would fight for us but also recognize he’s asked for space to focus on him, and I’ve backed way off (which is not easy for me). Time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on surviving DH’s mid-life crisis behavior? Late 40s, married 15 yrs, 1 kid - 14yrs old. Divorce or stick it out?

Pros
Great house, amazing school district, both have decent jobs, ok split of household expenses, peaceful environment- no fighting or abuse. We are respectful. Both attractive- look like perfect couple from outside.

Cons
Increased distance from relationship, I am not his priority lately, DH feels like he’s suffocating and needs space - worried about getting older, increased physical activities (running/bike- 4 hrs per week) increased video game playing (2 hrs per night), more focus on his hobbies to feel happy. We are glorified roommates at this point. No sex (not that we ever had a lot) but no cheating - can’t find any evidence. He‘s content living like this. Sees an individual therapist a few times a month which is where this “find what makes you happy” shift has come from. More escaping/avoiding behavior from my perspective.

We’ve done couple counseling - but progress doesn’t stick. Any attempts to actually work through this are avoided. Do I suck it up until kid is out of high school? I don’t see DH having the courage to leave despite his search for happiness, and disrupting our kid’s life at this point feels selfish to me.

Does he know you are this unhappy? Have you told him straight up that you are thinking of divorcing him in 4 years?

[Anonymous]

You’ve mentioned several times that he’s focused on his hobbies and there’s no romance/dates/sex. But you haven’t said what you’ve done to set up the romance/dates/sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

Fascinating! I think mine is going through something like this, too. I’m not truly worried - I like to see him change and evolve, even if it’s temporarily away from my direction. I’ve had my own few years of midlife anxiety/turmoil and I’m grateful he’s been there for me through it. For my DH, this period has meant detachment from work, new hobbies, the classic sports car (ugh), some general grouchiness. He’s around plenty and I don’t see him cheating, but even if he did somehow, we’d be ok. I’m learning to just go with this phase, give him lots of space, and trust that it won’t be forever.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to set up a date night?
Book a nice restaurant and tell him you want to go out with him and are looking forward to it - just the two of you. What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

If he is doing alot of grooming, I bet he is having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Man focuses on himself:
Selfish, suspicious, reason for concern

Woman focuses on herself:
Prioritizing her needs, practicing self care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man focuses on himself:
Selfish, suspicious, reason for concern

Woman focuses on herself:
Prioritizing her needs, practicing self care

Women self-focus groom and fashion for other women (non-sexual, competition).
Men self-focus groom and fashion for other women (sex, validation).

[Anonymous]

Middle-aged, involved parent, does housework, in therapy, and no sex drive?

OP has a wife.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband was in a depressive rut and he is doing the work with a therapist to figure out how to be healthy and happy, and this is a good thing! There are so many men who are unable to figure out how to help themselves. Is he distancing himself from you because your not supporting these changes he's making? Can you guys maybe explore hobbies to do together? I know a lot of people look down on video gaming, but it really can be a healthy escape from stresses. Look into co-op games that you can play as a family or just the two of you. There are a lot of fun multi-player Nintendo Switch games. It's also great that your husband is getting into physical shape, it will help him feel better. So many people develop health problems in their 40s because that is when unhealthy habits catch up with you. Can you go jogging together or biking as a family? Your child is 14 and getting to that age where he/she probably doesn't need you as much.

My husband and I haven't been having that much sex lately, but we are best friends and are always looking for hobbies and activities to do together. I mean, if you are done with him then just divorce him, but it sounds like you have a wonderful life together. Have you tried talking to him and telling him that you miss spending time together? What you wrote in you original post doesn't really sound like a midlife crisis or an affair, it more sounds like he was depressed and is trying to do the work to get himself to a better place mentally.

[Anonymous]

^ I’m going to put this out there. Since the individual therapy her spouse sought out, he’s drawn more into his own activities and become more self-focused.

My spouse put himself in therapy at 45 and I was all for it since that was out of character and I thought he seemed depressed, moody at times, with anger outbursts—but the majority of time things were really good with us—sex, had date nights, vacations, he helped out.

Turns out he was having an affair which I had zero idea about and apparently he was discussing it, among other things in therapy. Yes- he was going through a midlife crisis and more depressed, etc but the majority of the change in behavior was the stress of the affair which there was literally zero trace of- and he wasn’t even working late and was with us all weekend.

A lot of his behavior as others have pointed out is pretty text book for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man focuses on himself:
Selfish, suspicious, reason for concern

Woman focuses on herself:
Prioritizing her needs, practicing self care

Women self-focus groom and fashion for other women (non-sexual, competition).
Men self-focus groom and fashion for other women (sex, validation).

So, women only care what other women think of them. Gotcha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sex life is as a couple is atrocious. Of course OP’s husband is unhappy. He is trying to find an outlet for himself so that he does not finally snap and cheat on you.

OP here - thanks for your opinion. Believe it or not there are some men who aren’t sex crazed - I’d be happy 3-4 times a week, he’s happy with 1 or 2. He won’t be physical unless we’re emotionally connected, and the roommate situation kills that vibe. I realize that’s not the norm for many men. So, the easy blame game of making me the evil wife who won’t put out doesn’t apply to our situation. Depression, stress, resentment and lack of confidence play a huge role and it compounds over the years. Walls are up. I’m also not going to beg him to desire me, as that’s even more tragic than accepting this is my new life.

When my husband was cheating he told me that 1-2x a week was fine , too, bc he was more sex on the side so just be careful

[Anonymous]

My wife is happy with once every ten days or so. Guess she’s cheating, so thanks for the heads up. Or maybe I should do more around the house and then she will want sex? Or yeah, I’m not very confident and she outearns me, so there’s that. Maybe I should take her out for dinner and listen to her talk about herself? I probably should make changes according to her perception of the relationship so that she’s happy. Happy wife, happy life, after all.