DH mid life crisis

[Anonymous]

Any thoughts on surviving DH’s mid-life crisis behavior? Late 40s, married 15 yrs, 1 kid - 14yrs old. Divorce or stick it out?

Pros
Great house, amazing school district, both have decent jobs, ok split of household expenses, peaceful environment- no fighting or abuse. We are respectful. Both attractive- look like perfect couple from outside.

Cons
Increased distance from relationship, I am not his priority lately, DH feels like he’s suffocating and needs space - worried about getting older, increased physical activities (running/bike- 4 hrs per week) increased video game playing (2 hrs per night), more focus on his hobbies to feel happy. We are glorified roommates at this point. No sex (not that we ever had a lot) but no cheating - can’t find any evidence. He‘s content living like this. Sees an individual therapist a few times a month which is where this “find what makes you happy” shift has come from. More escaping/avoiding behavior from my perspective.

We’ve done couple counseling - but progress doesn’t stick. Any attempts to actually work through this are avoided. Do I suck it up until kid is out of high school? I don’t see DH having the courage to leave despite his search for happiness, and disrupting our kid’s life at this point feels selfish to me.

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to justify meeting someone new or having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Yes, but lose the “suck it up until kid is in high school” attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you trying to justify meeting someone new or having an affair?

No, not my style. Not looking for another relationship or affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but lose the “suck it up until kid is in high school” attitude.

^out of high school

[Anonymous]

What do you want this relationship to look/feel/function like? Write it down. Share it with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on surviving DH’s mid-life crisis behavior? Late 40s, married 15 yrs, 1 kid - 14yrs old. Divorce or stick it out?

Pros
Great house, amazing school district, both have decent jobs, ok split of household expenses, peaceful environment- no fighting or abuse. We are respectful. Both attractive- look like perfect couple from outside.

Cons
Increased distance from relationship, I am not his priority lately, DH feels like he’s suffocating and needs space - worried about getting older, increased physical activities (running/bike- 4 hrs per week) increased video game playing (2 hrs per night), more focus on his hobbies to feel happy. We are glorified roommates at this point. No sex (not that we ever had a lot) but no cheating - can’t find any evidence. He‘s content living like this. Sees an individual therapist a few times a month which is where this “find what makes you happy” shift has come from. More escaping/avoiding behavior from my perspective.

We’ve done couple counseling - but progress doesn’t stick. Any attempts to actually work through this are avoided. Do I suck it up until kid is out of high school? I don’t see DH having the courage to leave despite his search for happiness, and disrupting our kid’s life at this point feels selfish to me.

I wouldn’t be so sure. If he’s working on himself, he just might. Do you need to do work too?

[Anonymous]

He is thinking of or or is having some kind of affair/flirtation, imo
Classic behavior from both of you
You don’t think he is or ever would, you think he is fine with the roommate arrangement;he is getting away with it, for now. called being blindsided.

[Anonymous]

My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you might be having a midlife crisis as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

This, plus as PP said, work on yourself. My DH is going through something similar. I'm fairly confident he won't leave or cheat - he is introverted and we have a high net worth (he likes money, so won't want to lose half). We love and respect each other deeply, but not in the highschool infatuation way. I really had to expand my friend group and find the ladies that fill the social void he left. I can't expect him to be my everything, and now that the kids are older I have more time in general. Since I do have more friends things are getting better between us. I'm actually very happy he turned his focus to health rather than something destructive (drinking, collecting porches, partying like a college kid). I see other male colleges sometime do more destructive things and their marriages fall apart.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound so bad to me.

[Anonymous]

Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.

[Anonymous]

Op - you wrote that these new behaviors - exercising, playing video games - are escapism and avoidance. What is he avoiding? Is he dropping the ball somewhere? Or is it that time spent watching tv/hanging out with you has been reallocated?

[Anonymous]

So what is he doing wrong exactly? Sounds like he’s being physically active. What’s the problem?