DH mid life crisis

[Anonymous]

Your husband is having an affair or wants one. His OPSEC is good which is why your snooping hasn’t found anything. He is grooming to make him self look good for AP.

I would stay married and go do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

No evidence? Mine was very very very good at leaving no trace and making g it seem impossible and unlikely. He really upped the working out and fixation on appearance which since I could find zero trace assumed he was getting healthy and changing habits midlife like a lot of us do. We always were into exercise, etc. so it wasn’t out of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

They just didn’t get caught. Truthfully. I can’t tell you how many guts I know that had the 2-3 year midlife meeting someone else married on the internet for no strings sex with nobody the wiser. Only one guy in a group of 5 buddies doing it got caught and that was after 3 years of doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.

DP. OMG three years. Can I take this. We are one year down and TWO to go?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on surviving DH’s mid-life crisis behavior? Late 40s, married 15 yrs, 1 kid - 14yrs old. Divorce or stick it out?

Pros
Great house, amazing school district, both have decent jobs, ok split of household expenses, peaceful environment- no fighting or abuse. We are respectful. Both attractive- look like perfect couple from outside.

Cons
Increased distance from relationship, I am not his priority lately, DH feels like he’s suffocating and needs space - worried about getting older, increased physical activities (running/bike- 4 hrs per week) increased video game playing (2 hrs per night), more focus on his hobbies to feel happy. We are glorified roommates at this point. No sex (not that we ever had a lot) but no cheating - can’t find any evidence. He‘s content living like this. Sees an individual therapist a few times a month which is where this “find what makes you happy” shift has come from. More escaping/avoiding behavior from my perspective.

We’ve done couple counseling - but progress doesn’t stick. Any attempts to actually work through this are avoided. Do I suck it up until kid is out of high school? I don’t see DH having the courage to leave despite his search for happiness, and disrupting our kid’s life at this point feels selfish to me.

'

Have you sat down with him -- NOT when he's eager to go do one of his hobbies or he's about to leave to take your kid somehwere etc. etc. -- and said what's in the bold? "We've done couples counseling but progress doesn't stick as far as I can see. I am feeling as if we are increasingly roommates, not a married couple and a partnership. I realize that your therapy is focusing you on doing what makes you happy and I support your being healthier, exercising, and having hobbies. But I also feel as if I don't interact with you and am something from which you're escaping. I'd like to talk about that right now, with a goal of restarting couples therapy so we can get back on track as a married couple and not as roommates."

I would also already have a first appointment lined up before you have this talk, so you can say that you've been looking and found someone to see you. Emphasize that you see a problem in the marriage, and if he says he doesn't see one and he thinks things are all good -- I've said this here before, but: If ONE person in a relationship perceives a problem with it, then there IS a problem with it, even if the other person simply does not perceive a problem at all. The relationship is a third thing, an entity of its own, comprised of the two of you and bigger than each of you individually. He is not feeding the relationship but honestly I'm not sure you are either, OP, unless maybe you're asking for time and he's saying no, you're asking for sex and get turned down, he won't engage with you on any level--??

Everything you cite does not sound like divorce-worthy stuff if you actually still love him as a person. Go back and think about why you and he married in the first place. And why he's in therapy himself and seems so avoidant. It does sound as if he's in his own bubble within the marriage and family, and he likely will not see at first that he's doing that. He needs to know that you perceive there's a lot of distance between you. And you need to decide if you'll work to make the marriage a marriage again. You sound like you've given up but I don't see any evidence that you have approached him to be crystal clear about how seriously this is making you question the marriage. (If you have, sorry. But I'd try again and he needs a real "come to Jesus" talk as the saying goes.)

[Anonymous]

Your sex life is as a couple is atrocious. Of course OP’s husband is unhappy. He is trying to find an outlet for himself so that he does not finally snap and cheat on you.

[Anonymous]

No sex and never had a lot? Why is that???

[Anonymous]

He's working out more and distanced from you. He's having sex with someone, just not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sex life is as a couple is atrocious. Of course OP’s husband is unhappy. He is trying to find an outlet for himself so that he does not finally snap and cheat on you.

It doesn’t sound like that was her fault if you read the original post. And, I’ll add, my spouse went through the same thing at 45 and we were having sex at least 3 times a week yet he still had an affair during that time which his therapist knew about- but not me!!!! Some of them just fall apart midlife with past childhood issues, self-loathing and an escape from the realities of parenting/work/stressful years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's working out more and distanced from you. He's having sex with someone, just not you.

Those long rides are also a window for a 30-45 min bang.

[Anonymous]

4 hours a week of exercise doesn’t seem two extreme, I think . If he was reading two hours a night I doubt you’d be as upset. I’d give him some space for a couple years and find some things to check off on your own life list- learn a new language or travel with a sibling or parent-and just let him do his thing. Maybe you will reconnect stronger, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sex life is as a couple is atrocious. Of course OP’s husband is unhappy. He is trying to find an outlet for himself so that he does not finally snap and cheat on you.

OP here - thanks for your opinion. Believe it or not there are some men who aren’t sex crazed - I’d be happy 3-4 times a week, he’s happy with 1 or 2. He won’t be physical unless we’re emotionally connected, and the roommate situation kills that vibe. I realize that’s not the norm for many men. So, the easy blame game of making me the evil wife who won’t put out doesn’t apply to our situation. Depression, stress, resentment and lack of confidence play a huge role and it compounds over the years. Walls are up. I’m also not going to beg him to desire me, as that’s even more tragic than accepting this is my new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's working out more and distanced from you. He's having sex with someone, just not you.

Those long rides are also a window for a 30-45 min bang.

OP here - lol it’s a peloton

[Anonymous]

Todays men sex drive peaks really early. So women be ready for that. If you have a husband that still satisfies you sexually on-demand consider yourself lucky. And further I don’t think it’s necessarily midlife crisis him prioritizing his needs that’s just the typical behavior of a man his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.

Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.

I have not dealt with this, but the reality is this behavior is super selfish. I find it hard to believe his therapist is really encouraging only “sole” focus and nothing for the two of you as a couple. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this. There is a way to strike a balance between activities as an individual and activities as a couple.

I don’t see this as selfish at all. Their kid is high school age and doesn’t need them the way little kids do. When that time comes, as parents we have to develop new interests and things to fill our time. Four hours working out a week is nothing - most people I know spend far more, especially if you consider commuting time to and from the gym. Personal interests are also good to have - just because you’re part of a couple doesn’t mean everything needs to be together.

The only problems I see here are that OP and her DH have not yet figured out what their new common interests are and they apparently haven’t rekindled their pre kid common interests. Also it doesn’t seem like OP has built her own new life in the wake of the independence of having all of your kids in HS brings.