Teenage Drinking - A hard no? Or can this be done responsibly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is very alarming. I’m so glad she came to you. It is likely it would be very dangerous for to her ever drink again.

I suggest following up this initial pause from drinking with some education and counseling for everyone in your family about the profession of alcoholism and how it impacts the adolescent brain. Instead of focusing on responsible drinking, perhaps instead focus on the high risks associated with consuming any amount of alcohol for a teen who enjoys binge drinking go the point of blacking out, and equip her with the skills to say no and stand up to peer pressure.

I think it is very difficult to be proactive in this situation, but it would be worth it. I suggest starting with any of the local outpatient treatment programs to see what resources are available. It might be that outpatient treatment isn’t what is appropriate for your daughter, but they may be able to make some specific suggestions about programs that are appropriate for your family.

Good luck OP. Stay vigilant.

OP here.

We're trying, thank you. She began therapy shortly after coming to us and with a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and adolescents. She talks to her weekly.

the therapist must have an opinion on this OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Decide what's important to you, knowing that parties with drinks available are pretty much the norm in high school. I appreciate the "hard no" family's position, but you need to make peace with yourself that you are asking your kid to break rules/sneak around/do unsafe things so they don't get in trouble. We decided safety was most important to us. My 16yo ds is the sporty crowd and there are parties, I don't know if parents know drinks circulating or not. He has gotten the messaging (over and over again) that any mix of drinking/driving is a violation of trust so profound that his freedoms will be curtailed immediately, but that he will not get in trouble for calling us at any time for a ride home. I think a lot of parents say that, but you've gotta mean it. So if he's going out we ask where, we talk about whether he's driving and what alterative plan is if not, if there is a designated driver (in his peer group there often is).

This is our approach. Just a few weeks ago my 16 yo drove to her friends house and they had a few drinks. Her friends were encouraging her to drive home but she called us instead. My husband went to pick her up and said nothing other than “you made an excellent decision and we are proud of that.”
If a teen wants to drink, they will. I just want her to be safe if she’s doing it.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around letting my DD remain friends with those girls. Not only drinking but also encouraging drunk driving? Did you even call their parents?

[Anonymous]

So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide what's important to you, knowing that parties with drinks available are pretty much the norm in high school. I appreciate the "hard no" family's position, but you need to make peace with yourself that you are asking your kid to break rules/sneak around/do unsafe things so they don't get in trouble. We decided safety was most important to us. My 16yo ds is the sporty crowd and there are parties, I don't know if parents know drinks circulating or not. He has gotten the messaging (over and over again) that any mix of drinking/driving is a violation of trust so profound that his freedoms will be curtailed immediately, but that he will not get in trouble for calling us at any time for a ride home. I think a lot of parents say that, but you've gotta mean it. So if he's going out we ask where, we talk about whether he's driving and what alterative plan is if not, if there is a designated driver (in his peer group there often is).

This part really isn't just true. It's the norm with the kids who are doing it! That's for sure. Most kids are not doing this. I just think this kind of thinking really normalizes something that is not at all normal and statistics bear this out. I also think parents get very caught up thinking it will somehow ruin their child's social life if they message hard no on drinking. It really won't.

https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/data/sites/data/files/assets/images/fcys%20fact%20sheet%20-%20alcohol%2021.pdf

76 percent of students report never using alcohol in their lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really think anyone else’s teens are relevant.

YOUR teen got so worried about her frequent binge drinking that she asked for help from her parents. That’s pretty extreme. I remember getting so drunk I puked, but I would have never ever told my parents. She asked for help because she has a problem.

I think you should encourage her to consider whether or not she’s an alcoholic.

OP here. We agree that blacking out is extreme. She is being treated by a licensed therapist who specializes in substance abuse in adolescents.

What we are struggling with now (after keeping her in a protective bubble for the last few months) is how to navigate an environment where drinking in high school (at least in her fairly large peer group) seems to be prevalent. We can't keep her trapped at home for the next 2 years. It's helpful to get others perspectives.

You can, though. Your daughter has unfortunately picked the alcoholic peer group. She needs to find new friends. Most kids ARE NOT drinking. For those who are, most of them are not getting black out drunk.

Have you asked your daughter what she thinks she should do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

Doesn't it seem that maybe you're the clueless one if 76 percent of kids have never had a drink? And no they're not all losers sitting in their basements who never socialize.

I still think people should respond with compassion and sure some kids drink. But making fun of the hard no or calling all parents oblivious is well...clueless.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your daughter for acknowledging that there was an issue. That took a lot of insight and honor on her part to tell you.

I am the mother of 2 17y olds. Nope. We will never supply or condone underage drinking....though I have no ill illusions that my kids will drink before they are 21y.

I drank a lot in high school. Lots of weekend binge drinking at parties. And it was only by the grace of *whatever you believe in* that nothing bad happened. My parents openly served me at home when I was underage so the thought that if you permit it at home, it takes away the mystery/allure is BS.

Thankfully, my binge drinking was only from Junior year of HS through end of Freshman year of college and then it dropped dramatically. Now, as an adult, I drink 1-2 drinks/month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

You’re pretty naive. It’s possible to set limits for your kid - OP’s daughter is just 15. She doesn’t have to knowingly send her to a drinking party when she is *in the middle of therapy for substance abuse.* I mean, really. The important thing here is to send a message that it’s possible to socialize without getting drunk and that many, many kids did so. I never drank in HS and not really in college either. It’s not inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Could your daughter do less with her current friend group? and seek out another one in tandem thru a specific activity? I know that's difficult in practice.

[Anonymous]

You new-age parents are absolutely nuts. What the hell makes you feel comfortable with letting your underage kids drink alcohol and get pissy drunk in YOUR house and on YOUR dime? This is insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

Such a cool mom. I wonder what your kids will have to say about your permissive parenting style when they become parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard no. Especially for a kid who said she likes drinking and has drunk to the point of alcohol-induced blackout. Have her talk to her pediatrician if you need backup.

I’m also a hard no on cannabis for teens. Both substances are horrible for adolescent brain development; there’s no “just alcohol” or “just pot” when it comes to teenagers and these substances. They may still try them, but you need to be clear as a parent that you expect them not to consume these substances. Yes, keep the lines of communication open, don’t be judgmental, etc., but FFS, do NOT supply your kids.

+1

Hard no on drinking, on vaping/smoking, on pot/drugs

As a few others said, teens already push the boundaries we all set. If you start the boundary line further out, they will push past it instead of being "thankful that mom/dad let me drink as a teen". I have a firm boundary line, DS will either break it or not and we'll cross that bridge. That being said, DS also knows NO getting in the car with anyone who has been drinking, knows they can call me morning noon or night to come pick him up if he's in a situation that he needs pulling out of etc. Which I think (and I hope) sets the stage for college where he will likely go to parties etc. and not get in a car with someone who's been drinking. College I know I can't stop even though he'll still be underage.

[Anonymous]

Not permissive at all. Realistic and understand the world we live in and the importance of my kids feeling like they can talk to me and not have to sneak around like your kids are probably doing. My parents were extremely strict and that was not helpful to me. I just find it laughable how clueless people are. Wait until your kids are grown up and tell you all the stuff they did behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

I have a very open relationship with my DS on every subject under the sun. IF he drank, he would end up telling me. He knows I wouldnt be happy but I also wouldnt kill him (unless he did something stupid like get into a car with someone else who had been drinking). That being said, having a hard no on drinking/vaping/drugs does not mean he has no freedom and the fact that you equate the two is weird. There is a difference between freedom/trust with being unsafe/dangerous. From my experience, teens can't just drink one drink when they are altogether in a situation where they actually found a way to get alcohol. They need to drink it all, drink it fast and get rid of the evidence.

Signed, teen who drank way too much in high school and went to tons of parties where drinking in excess took place and is damn lucky nothing happened to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many clueless and judgemental replies as usual. I love the hard no. I have a very open relationship with my kids and I know they drink and punishing them and prohibiting does not work. My kids have lots of friends who get black out drunk and their parents have no idea. So get off your high horse and if you’re going to reply do it thoughtfully, without judgement and with some compassion. My child came home extremely drunk a handful of times in high school and while it was very upsetting to me I am now glad she did it while under my roof and with her close friends who would not take advantage of her. This is how she learned her limit. She is now a junior in college and a very responsible drinker. Unlike many of her friends who had no freedom in high school and had to sneak around. To the OP you are getting your daughter professional help which is great. And I think the fact that she reached out to you for help is a great sign. My feeling is she has to learn to be in the world and to navigate social settings with alcohol. I don’t think forbidding her to be social is beneficial to her now or in the long run. Over time, she will learn if she can drink in moderation but in any case she needs and sounds like wants a social like. The downside to not allowing that will prob be worse for her mental health.

I have a very open relationship with my DS on every subject under the sun. IF he drank, he would end up telling me. He knows I wouldnt be happy but I also wouldnt kill him (unless he did something stupid like get into a car with someone else who had been drinking). That being said, having a hard no on drinking/vaping/drugs does not mean he has no freedom and the fact that you equate the two is weird. There is a difference between freedom/trust with being unsafe/dangerous. From my experience, teens can't just drink one drink when they are altogether in a situation where they actually found a way to get alcohol. They need to drink it all, drink it fast and get rid of the evidence.

Signed, teen who drank way too much in high school and went to tons of parties where drinking in excess took place and is damn lucky nothing happened to them.

All together** that is