Teenage Drinking - A hard no? Or can this be done responsibly?

[Anonymous]

Oldest (DD) is a sophomore in high school. In the fall she started going to parties, experienced drinking, and continued to seek out parties where there was alcohol with the intention of getting drunk. We were oblivious (because reasons) until she came to us in November to express that she liked drinking too much and was afraid because she would often black out. And then with 20/20 hindsight, it was glaringly obvious to us that this had been going on.

DH and I are a hard "no" on underage drinking. Parties have been off limits for some months now. Our lines of communication are open with DD. She wants to go to parties with her friends, but knows that alcohol will probably be there. We talk about the temptation and whether or not she thinks she can be at a party with drinking and not drink. A good friend of hers (a Junior) is having a birthday party and there will be alcohol. She says her friend's parents know there will be alcohol (though I don't believe they are supplying it). From what DD says, this seems to be common - that parents know that kids are consuming alcohol in their home and and knowingly host these parties. She says that their stance is that kids are going to find a way to drink so they provide a safe space. (For context, DD's peer group is fairly mainstream - she's in honors classes and is an athlete and much of her peer group is similar.)

So 2 questions:

1. DH and I were a bit shocked that parents are knowingly allowing kids to get drunk in their homes. Is it really that purvasive? My initial thought was of the legal and ethical ramifications if someone were to be harmed as a result of drinking under our roof (i.e., drunk driving, assault, etc.) I'd be curious to understand the viewpoint of parents that do allow this.

2. As part of our recent conversation, DD asked if we will ever be ok with letting her drink at high school parties. My husband is a hard no. He did drink in excess in high school. I didn't experience alcohol until college. I drank in excess in college. Her question has me thinking though. How do we teach our kids to drink responsibily before they are off on their own (albeit still underage) and we aren't there to guide them?

[Anonymous]

We are a hard no family.

[Anonymous]

I am a father who only has sons. I would let them drink but if they ever got drunk drunk they would be in trouble. I would not let my daughter drink, if I had one. IMO there is no such thing as a safe space for a drunk girl

[Anonymous]

We were a hard no until 17. Our rules are no drinking and driving ever under any circumstances. Use the buddy system so always have friends with her looking after her. And no drinking to excess. We would never allow any other kids to drink alcohol in our house. She can have the occasional glass of champagne etc on special occasions. When she is 18 she can have a glass of wine or beer with dinner at home on weekends.

[Anonymous]

It’s really a good sign that she came to you.

We were also a bit oblivious and shocked that parents were hosting parties with alcohol Witt tons of really drunk kids. We have a few rules: no drinking and driving, can always call us, no drinking to point of vomiting or passing out, keep drink in your possession at all times. We can remind her of rules every time she goes out. These rules were negotiated with DD’s therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hard no on drinking at parties. And in your situation, I wouldn't even allow an occasional drink with the family at dinner, given that she has a known alcohol problem.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a huge mistake to think that, by permitting drinking, you are more in control. Kids push boundaries, period. So if you move drinking inside the “line” they are going to push for new things outside the line.

My stepmom did this with my sister. She ended up doing other wild stuff her mom didn’t approve of… because obviously.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think this would be a hard no for me, and therapy for her. Drinking until blacking out isn't normal, even for high school drinking. I would be realistic about the fact that she probably is going to drink again (including to excess) but I would not facilitate her doing it. And I would have some choice words for those parents.

I think you need to send a clear message to her that while some drinking is normal (including among teens) drinking regularly until you black out is NOT normal.

She can find ways to have fun and have friends that do not involve alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is an alcoholic. You need to be honest with yourself and her.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not, never. A child who had never experienced it I would be okay allowing a drink or two WITH ME PRESENT so that they could see how their body reacted in a safe way.

I teach high school. Teenagers are impulsive idiots. Drunk teenagers are insanely impulsive idiots. Even if your child was amazingly capable of making good choices at all times, her friends are not and she will find herself in dangerous/uncomfortable situations...and you have already shared that she is not capable of making good choices at all times.

[Anonymous]

I would call the cops on the party where minors are drinking alcohol. My neighbor was killed by a 20-year old drunk driver. I have zero tolerance for underage drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: How do we teach our kids to drink responsibily before they are off on their own (albeit still underage) and we aren't there to guide them?

I think you can teach them how to be more safe without it actually having to happen while they are in high school. What else would this apply to? Sex? Gambling? Weed? Etc.

Also, I would educate her to let her know that she may be higher risk of being an alcoholic. I think that teenage drinking is not unusual. I think that teenage drinking to the point of blacking out (more than once!) is unusual and is a sign that she should be more careful than her friends.

[Anonymous]

Hard no. Especially for a kid who said she likes drinking and has drunk to the point of alcohol-induced blackout. Have her talk to her pediatrician if you need backup.

I’m also a hard no on cannabis for teens. Both substances are horrible for adolescent brain development; there’s no “just alcohol” or “just pot” when it comes to teenagers and these substances. They may still try them, but you need to be clear as a parent that you expect them not to consume these substances. Yes, keep the lines of communication open, don’t be judgmental, etc., but FFS, do NOT supply your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oldest (DD) is a sophomore in high school. In the fall she started going to parties, experienced drinking, and continued to seek out parties where there was alcohol with the intention of getting drunk. We were oblivious (because reasons) until she came to us in November to express that she liked drinking too much and was afraid because she would often black out. And then with 20/20 hindsight, it was glaringly obvious to us that this had been going on.

DH and I are a hard "no" on underage drinking. Parties have been off limits for some months now. Our lines of communication are open with DD. She wants to go to parties with her friends, but knows that alcohol will probably be there. We talk about the temptation and whether or not she thinks she can be at a party with drinking and not drink. A good friend of hers (a Junior) is having a birthday party and there will be alcohol. She says her friend's parents know there will be alcohol (though I don't believe they are supplying it). From what DD says, this seems to be common - that parents know that kids are consuming alcohol in their home and and knowingly host these parties. She says that their stance is that kids are going to find a way to drink so they provide a safe space. (For context, DD's peer group is fairly mainstream - she's in honors classes and is an athlete and much of her peer group is similar.)

So 2 questions:

1. DH and I were a bit shocked that parents are knowingly allowing kids to get drunk in their homes. Is it really that purvasive? My initial thought was of the legal and ethical ramifications if someone were to be harmed as a result of drinking under our roof (i.e., drunk driving, assault, etc.) I'd be curious to understand the viewpoint of parents that do allow this.

2. As part of our recent conversation, DD asked if we will ever be ok with letting her drink at high school parties. My husband is a hard no. He did drink in excess in high school. I didn't experience alcohol until college. I drank in excess in college. Her question has me thinking though. How do we teach our kids to drink responsibily before they are off on their own (albeit still underage) and we aren't there to guide them?

For starters, OP, NO ONE CARES THAT SHE'S IN HONORS CLASSES AND IS AN ATHLETE. Why do people always throw this in, as if this somehow means, oh... well... not this special child. Clearly, she is smart and so mature, so she can "handle it."

And second, she is a SOPHOMORE? So, what, 15? Way too early for all of this.

Wake up OP. Your child is in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who drinks after often blacking out is irresponsible.

Any adult who provides alcohol to someone else’s teen is irresponsible.

A parent occasionally letting their own child sample a drink under supervision is being responsible, but that’s not what you’re describing.