What Did Your MIL Do to Welcome You Into the Family?

[Anonymous]

My MIL shouted at us in public and hurled racial slurs at me, so I'd say so far you're way ahead of the game. I would have been perfectly happy with some basic kindness and courtesy, and suspect the new DIL feels the same. In fact, doing something special beyond just, say, a celebratory dinner or small party, might make some people uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After the wedding, my MIL paid off my college student loan, 50K, and bought me a brand new Toyota RAV4. She treats me like I am her own daughter. I go out to lunch every Saturday afternoon with my MIL and SIL and we call ourselves the triplets.

I would be so uncomfortable with this so early in the marriage. Good for you that you're into it, but I'd feel awkward and indebted... like how do you decline a social invitation or favor from someone after that?

Only on DCUM would someone turn such a generous act into such a negative. My MIL was a horrible witch (dh's step monster). To the lucky poster--- too bad more MILs are not like yours!

+1 Only on DCUM.

My MIL lives a few minutes from us and we always come over to her house for dinner three times a week when DH and I are busy working and I don't have time to cook. I actually called my MIL to let her know that we will be eating dinner at her place and she asked me and DH what we would like to eat. Both MIL and FIL are very generous and nice people. They don't get involved in my family situation unless I ask them to do so. I often go to the spa with my MIL, and she treats me a lot better than my own mother. I hope to be able to do that to my future DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best thing you can do is get to know her and find out about her family. She is starting a new family with your son, not becoming an appendage to your family (I am not assuming this is your attitude, but it is common).

Yes. More than any one present or declaration, I wish my MIL had this attitude. Instead my side of the family was seen as a complete threat. She was touchy and hostile. She still bristles a bit when I bring up things I've done with my family and I've known her over 15 years.

A small gift or something celebratory is certainly lovely. But in general being patient and loving as she and your son figure out their new lives is the most wonderful gift you can give them. If you start to feel defensive or upset about choices they make, really work on the how and why you are feeling that way.

I had a very rocky few years with my MIL. It's mostly calmed down now that my kids are elementary age and maybe she's finally chilled out a bit. But she damaged our relationship pretty severely, so I don't really trust her. I know she means well, loves us, etc. But she hasn't taken care with my feelings or really made an effort to love my side of the family, and I still feel deeply offended about it on a lot of levels, even though it's not an issue that comes up regularly anymore. Mainly because I keep both sides almost completely apart. She *could* have become at a minimum easy going and friendly with my mom, but she choose iciness over that in our first years, so that ship sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I ever wanted from my MIL was for her to consistently kind. I didn't need any gifts or celebrations. Just kindness. Didn't get it. I took the high road, but eventually we did need to distance ourselves because it was constant drama. She was that way with everyone though-very tormented soul.

+1

Same. My MIL's entitled attitude poisons the rest of the family. She actually shuns DH, who still helps her and her family members. It is so gross. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. One example: MIL will celebrate Mother's Day with all her local kids but DH. She is not a nice person, to say the least - and she has raised her other kids to be like her. DH is warmly welcomed and included by my family, and DH has so much in common with my family, it is really nice to see DH enjoy and appreciate my family, and them, him. It makes my heart sing to see DH so loved and welcomed and not judged, only accepted warmly - both of us, actually. MIL takes my being different as a personal affront, and wants to treat me the way they always treated DH. I ignore it, at this point - because she wants a reaction, and I am not giving her that. I only expect negativity from her. She is mean and hurtful, but I would expect nothing more (than her dividing her own kids) from such an obviously bitter, snarky person. MIL's toxic attitude and negative behaviors remind me that only the good die young. She teaches me what not do do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best thing you can do is get to know her and find out about her family. She is starting a new family with your son, not becoming an appendage to your family (I am not assuming this is your attitude, but it is common).

+3 this is what my MIL did.

[Anonymous]

She gave me a blue garter to wear that all the women in her family have worn at their weddings. But even before that, she referred to me as one of her kids and treated me the same as them.

[Anonymous]

Be a drunk alcoholic, lie about me and gossip to anyone who would listen. She is a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best thing you can do is get to know her and find out about her family. She is starting a new family with your son, not becoming an appendage to your family (I am not assuming this is your attitude, but it is common).

THIS!!!

[Anonymous]

My MIL did nothing, and continues to do nothing to make me feel part of the family. Wish I had a nice thoughtful MIL like you OP!

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Nothing. Was she suppose to do something? Happily married now 28 years.. Never thought about this. We are good. 😀

[Anonymous]

Told me how lucky I was to be marrying her son?

[Anonymous]

My MIL did nothing.

Why don't you get her something or maybe them something for the house with your last name/initial on it if she's taking your son's last name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is getting married in October. I have a good relationship with his fiancee and would like to do something to "officially" welcome her into the family. Any ideas? Thanks!

My mom and wife get along.

My mom and dad wrote a handwritten letter to my wife that they gave to her with a string of expensive pearls the morning of our wedding. My wife opens and that letter every year on our anniversary twenty years later. I don’t know what it says.

We see my mom two or three times a year when she comes to visit. She always declares that she’ll take care of the kids for the weekend and insists we spend the weekend together at a hotel. Used to be she’d book us at the Ritz, but when she found out how much we make, that part ended and we had to pay our own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is getting married in October. I have a good relationship with his fiancee and would like to do something to "officially" welcome her into the family. Any ideas? Thanks!

So how long has she been in his life? Your life? Start with no hassle or interference or criticism on their wedding planning. Since it's 5 months out they should have a venue and vendors but content on stuff like a final guest list, food, flowers, rehearsal dinner, transportation, etc is still developing. At a minimum commit to the couple getting the same funding as a daughter would receive whether it's cash or equivalents [vendor payments].