What Did Your MIL Do to Welcome You Into the Family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay attention to who she actually is. If she doesn’t like the spotlight or a lot of focused attention, she might not want a big gesture. Think about her as an individual person, not some abstract “what my DIL should be.” Is she an introvert or an extrovert? Does she like to talk about herself, or is she a bit guarded? Let that inform how you approach this. A nice heartfelt note is a very kind gesture that anyone would like. Do not say anything about being her mom now or something.

This. This. This.
My MIL was overwhelming when we first got engaged. She went right into planning mode and I felt swept along in her energy. She also knew I came from a rocky home life so she thought she would "save" me by volunteering to be my new mom. I was already an adult working through family issues in therapy, her savior approach was also overwhelming. Her heart was in the right place but my advice would be to respond to who this woman is beyond your new daughter-in-law.

It's sweet that you're asking here, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

Why do you need a place to put your ring? Don’t you wear it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After the wedding, my MIL paid off my college student loan, 50K, and bought me a brand new Toyota RAV4. She treats me like I am her own daughter. I go out to lunch every Saturday afternoon with my MIL and SIL and we call ourselves the triplets.

I would be so uncomfortable with this so early in the marriage. Good for you that you're into it, but I'd feel awkward and indebted... like how do you decline a social invitation or favor from someone after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay attention to who she actually is. If she doesn’t like the spotlight or a lot of focused attention, she might not want a big gesture. Think about her as an individual person, not some abstract “what my DIL should be.” Is she an introvert or an extrovert? Does she like to talk about herself, or is she a bit guarded? Let that inform how you approach this. A nice heartfelt note is a very kind gesture that anyone would like. Do not say anything about being her mom now or something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

Why do you need a place to put your ring? Don’t you wear it?

NP here. It's called a ring holder. I have a Waterford crystal one. I don't wear my ring to bed or in the shower because the diamond could accidentally scratch or get soap film on it.

[Anonymous]

My MIL gave her mother's engagement ring to DH to give to me when he proposed. That meant she approved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

Why do you need a place to put your ring? Don’t you wear it?

NP here. It's called a ring holder. I have a Waterford crystal one. I don't wear my ring to bed or in the shower because the diamond could accidentally scratch or get soap film on it.

What do you think is hard enough to scratch your diamond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

Why do you need a place to put your ring? Don’t you wear it?

NP here. It's called a ring holder. I have a Waterford crystal one. I don't wear my ring to bed or in the shower because the diamond could accidentally scratch or get soap film on it.

What do you think is hard enough to scratch your diamond?

Scratch a person, not itself.

[Anonymous]

I married the youngest of 3 boys. My MIL gave me a diamond tennis bracelet. My FIL was in the jewelry business - but apparently at some point she bought 3 with the idea to give to all of her future DILs and saved them for years. She bought it way before she ever met me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Key here is to know your DIL. As you can see from the responses, some people would love a great big “welcome to the family” and others wouldn’t.

True. It was all too much with my MIL and it pushed me away for many years. We never have been close. It would have been better if she was just nice in everyday situations and didn’t try to push things like instant family. She probably thought she was being very welcoming. To me, it came off as having boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave me a crystal bowl with a spike to hold my ring when I got engaged. I use it every day - married 12 years.

Why do you need a place to put your ring? Don’t you wear it?

NP here. It's called a ring holder. I have a Waterford crystal one. I don't wear my ring to bed or in the shower because the diamond could accidentally scratch or get soap film on it.

What do you think is hard enough to scratch your diamond?

NP. I think she meant the diamond could scratch her, or could scratch another surface or snag on blankets or something. I take my rings off every night. I often also just wore my wedding band and not my engagement ring when my children were babies; I didn’t want to risk scratching them or snagging their clothing during diaper changes or anything. I have never worn jewelry to bed. I also don’t want to become one of those women who gets their rings stuck on their hands, or gets a huge welt in their finger! My mom could barely take her rings off for surgery, and there’s a permanent indentation in her finger.

[Anonymous]

My MIL gifted me a Van Cleef bracelet right before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Pitch a fit that we wanted a small wedding and therefore she couldn’t invite every person she ever knew. Pitched an absolute fit and threatened not to pay for the wine, which we totally could have covered ourselves, but she had insisted on providing for us. Don’t be that MIL. Realize that your son and DIL are a new family unit and respect that.

[Anonymous]

What about FIL? Why only asking about MIL? Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about FIL? Why only asking about MIL? Interesting.

because OP is about to be a MIL and is asking how to be welcoming. We don’t even know if there is a FIL but if so, he can ask for himself if he’s interested in soliciting opinions about this.