Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently OP values washing her hair more than she values her DD having a relationship with her MIL. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

How did OP interfere with DD’s relationship with her MIL? Didn’t they spend the morning together? What on earth are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?

DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.

He does disrespect my time, generally.
It’s an overall vibe attitude that when he’s solo with dd he is doing something special or like it’s a favor to me that I get solo tune.
Unless I specifically ask, he will not give a bath, cut her nails, do dishes, vacuum something he or dd spills, etc.
If I don’t speak up he just exists, with no regard to his wake.
Expecting assuming that I will clean it up, handle it, register for this, buy the gift for that, etc

This is very problematic. I’m not one to recommend marriage counseling but I think it would help. This attitude would be bad enough if you were a SAHM, but you work full time and make more $$. This has to end or else you will be doing everything. Also, I agree with the advice to stop at one kid. Most people find two to be substantially more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently OP values washing her hair more than she values her DD having a relationship with her MIL. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

How did OP interfere with DD’s relationship with her MIL? Didn’t they spend the morning together? What on earth are you talking about?

Seriously. What a ridiculous comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll be back in a year with:

"My husband left me. What's OLD like for a single selfish mom?"

He’s not going anywhere. If he did, he’d have to do 100% of the parenting when DD is with him.

She outvearns him, goes to the gym, and does all the housework. She’s the one who’s be better off.

[Anonymous]

Hold firm.

[Anonymous]

Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll be back in a year with:

"My husband left me. What's OLD like for a single selfish mom?"

This pattern exists only in your fantasy land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

+100. We've been parents for 15 years and we've never had a ridgid weekly slot of alone time, ever. He had guys nights and I had girls nights and we had date nights with sitters, but never this "I don't have to be a parent from x time to y time every single week." Sounds really strange to me.

Great that works for you. So the rest of us have to do this?

Why are you willfully ignoring the point that op's husband considers this to be more a favor to op. Do you really not get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

I 100% agree with you. I didn’t do that and it’s hurt every aspect of our marriage. Stand firm. I have a 17 year old. Not sure what life looks like after high school. Hold firm.

I'll tell you. There are 3 adults in the house and one of them had been doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning and that one just went on strike. I should have done this long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

I 100% agree with you. I didn’t do that and it’s hurt every aspect of our marriage. Stand firm. I have a 17 year old. Not sure what life looks like after high school. Hold firm.

I'll tell you. There are 3 adults in the house and one of them had been doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning and that one just went on strike. I should have done this long ago.

Good job, PP; it’s never too late!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying OP is wrong, but I wonder how that kid feels picking up on the concept that taking care of her is a chore neither one of her parents want. I would hate for my kids to feel that way.

+1 This is what is bothering me. They are using their kid as a pawn in their marriage issues. Yeah these years are hard and we all need time "off" but its clear they resent each other, don't respect each other and likely don't even like each other anymore.[/quote

The kid isn't a pawn and the child is not being damaged by op speaking up. What ridiculous drama queens. It is disgusting that every time there is a post where a woman is asking for help as she fights for personal time or not being the default parent the same daughters of Satan show up saying she is damaging her child/children and will end up penniless and alone. F off with you backwards harridans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently OP values washing her hair more than she values her DD having a relationship with her MIL. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

You seem confused. Are you unable to read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?

DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.

He does disrespect my time, generally.
It’s an overall vibe attitude that when he’s solo with dd he is doing something special or like it’s a favor to me that I get solo tune.
Unless I specifically ask, he will not give a bath, cut her nails, do dishes, vacuum something he or dd spills, etc.
If I don’t speak up he just exists, with no regard to his wake.
Expecting assuming that I will clean it up, handle it, register for this, buy the gift for that, etc

This sounds like my experience with my ex—I wish I had established boundaries and held them firm from the getgo. Instead I accommodated for 15 years, wore myself ragged, then my dh cheated on me (probably unrelated). If I could go back in time I would have valued myself and my time more, and insist that he do the same (not just by his words/agreements, but his actions).

Hang in there, OP! Marriage counseling could be a good idea.