Experiences with neurodivergent adult child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

+1000 Agree

Are you both 12 years old? S-A-R-C-A-S-M.

-NP

Hon we know it was sarcastic, but the thing you don't get is that some of us parents of autists actually do loathe our children. Do our autistic children pick up on it? Who knows, who cares.

Fascinating. And true on all accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult DC with autism. In today’s vernacular they are level one, low support. They are 26 and have a good job.

They lived at home for the first 3 years Post college and now live in their own apartment. They need help with cleaning the apartment and other things. They generally consult with us on various decisions. We see them about once a week and FaceTime several times during the week. They are still active with their friend group online, but Covid has stunted their ability to find a friend group locally. They are in a job that is stereotypical for level one, low support, and have been able to do a few things outside of work with co-workers. The problem is that, for the most part, they are all still working from home. I think working in the office would be beneficial to them and their co-workers at this point in their careers.

What exactly is a stereotypical job for a level one ASD person? My DC is about to graduate from college with a STEM degree and is having a hard time interviewing and landing a job despite great qualifications.

computer/electrical engineering in the aerospace industry.

Computer programming, works at home.

Was fired from everything else or if in the office. He’d say too much goofy stuff or miss deadlines, take vacation at the wrong time- right before a big known annual deadline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe start by not invalidating their experience by calling it "high functioning." That's just another way of saying that the autism doesn't affect others, but ignores the affect it has on the autistic person. And masking is exhausting. You could begin to build a better relationship if you don't expect them to mask around you.
-Autistic adult

For starters OP, don’t take anything personally when Autistic Adults constantly verbally attack you. They can’t not disagree and be belligerent.

Detach

Have your social needs and supports from other circles of friends.

Offer advice but not enabling or codependency

Allow them lots of daily decompression time

Watch for their anxiety or depression episodes and help them get treatment or meds

Get them therapy tune ups and executive functioning coaches as needed

Do not pressure them to be social, date or get married.

Do not hide their diagnoses from any serious significant others. Do not.
Offer help or advice but dont keep a family secret.

The only thing I don't agree with is the social part. I would not "pressure", but I would see it a sign of poor functioning and be willing to pay for therapy or offer up other suggestions. One day we will not be here. Our kids need friends and connections. I think it is enabling to stand back if someone is socially isolated and if you don't keep using the social skills you learned you can lose them. I don't think anyone has to have a bunch of friends, but it's not OK to have no friends and no peers you ever do anything with or communicate with in some way.

[Anonymous]

Agree, basic social skills, doing niceties, and maintaining friends is important for humans. They also require ongoing “practice”.
But you can only work on social skills for so many decades of peer groups, therapy, cycling through new friends.

I am answering this from the perspective of knowing my HFA father and my HFA 40yo brother who lives at home still. My father got really rusty after “retiring” at age 50, and my brother turned more inward after a bunch of tough times at work or living with roommates.
Anxiety and depression seems away a knock away with my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. My neurodivergent almost adult makes me crazy and I'm not sure I can handle her coming home again after college. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

I'm following this because I need help with this topic.

X1000

[Anonymous]

What drives me crazy is that there is no federal support for level 1 autism. We say it's a lifelong condition, but you can't actually get any money to survive because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult DC with autism. In today’s vernacular they are level one, low support. They are 26 and have a good job.

They lived at home for the first 3 years Post college and now live in their own apartment. They need help with cleaning the apartment and other things. They generally consult with us on various decisions. We see them about once a week and FaceTime several times during the week. They are still active with their friend group online, but Covid has stunted their ability to find a friend group locally. They are in a job that is stereotypical for level one, low support, and have been able to do a few things outside of work with co-workers. The problem is that, for the most part, they are all still working from home. I think working in the office would be beneficial to them and their co-workers at this point in their careers.

I have thought more about this and want to add to my post above.

I would say, DC is still a work in progress and we are not done as parents. For DC, most things have been delayed but eventually things click.

We have had to break down some things into smaller steps. For example, when they learned how to drive we spent many more hours on the smaller roads gradually working up to larger and faster roads. They probably had closer to 100 hours of driving before they took Behind the Wheel - instead of the required 45. Getting other life skills has been similar. When they lived at home after college, they were responsible for one dinner meal a week and it took two years for them to get comfortable cooking enough recipes. The first few times they cooked something, we cooked together then I was just around for questions, then I would purposely go out for a walk while they were cooking. Same thing with laundry or cleaning the bathroom or other household tasks. It just took longer.

We have to be explicit in instructions, it just doesn’t come naturally. They make an excellent salary now and we had to explicitly tell them that they should pick Up the tab sometimes when we go out to eat or when they go out with an Aunt or Uncle - like maybe every third or fourth time, They just don’t get the implicit cultural norms without being told explicitly what they are.

This is really helpful. I'm a single mom and my oldest is autistic (self identifies as a level 1) and a year out of college. We have a very good relationship but it is a delicate dance to help them become aware of the life skills needed, and then facilitate learning. And of course not enable or helicopter. Their two younger sibs are more neurotypical, but have need me as well.

What I find the most challenging right now figuring out what they know and don't know about basic life skills/cultural norms. And help them recognize what they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

+1000 Agree

Are you both 12 years old? S-A-R-C-A-S-M.

-NP

Hon we know it was sarcastic, but the thing you don't get is that some of us parents of autists actually do loathe our children. Do our autistic children pick up on it? Who knows, who cares.

NP. This is very sad.