Experiences with neurodivergent adult child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

Is this OP? Why are you so judgmental? You sound super toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

I thought you said they were about to leave another job? Or do they run their own business?

Your op asked how to manage YOUR relationship with him. What are you have a hard time with?

If they're content, don't worry about jobs and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

I thought you said they were about to leave another job? Or do they run their own business?

Your op asked how to manage YOUR relationship with him. What are you have a hard time with?

If they're content, don't worry about jobs and friends.

Don’t think that was OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult DC with autism. In today’s vernacular they are level one, low support. They are 26 and have a good job.

They lived at home for the first 3 years Post college and now live in their own apartment. They need help with cleaning the apartment and other things. They generally consult with us on various decisions. We see them about once a week and FaceTime several times during the week. They are still active with their friend group online, but Covid has stunted their ability to find a friend group locally. They are in a job that is stereotypical for level one, low support, and have been able to do a few things outside of work with co-workers. The problem is that, for the most part, they are all still working from home. I think working in the office would be beneficial to them and their co-workers at this point in their careers.

I have thought more about this and want to add to my post above.

I would say, DC is still a work in progress and we are not done as parents. For DC, most things have been delayed but eventually things click.

We have had to break down some things into smaller steps. For example, when they learned how to drive we spent many more hours on the smaller roads gradually working up to larger and faster roads. They probably had closer to 100 hours of driving before they took Behind the Wheel - instead of the required 45. Getting other life skills has been similar. When they lived at home after college, they were responsible for one dinner meal a week and it took two years for them to get comfortable cooking enough recipes. The first few times they cooked something, we cooked together then I was just around for questions, then I would purposely go out for a walk while they were cooking. Same thing with laundry or cleaning the bathroom or other household tasks. It just took longer.

We have to be explicit in instructions, it just doesn’t come naturally. They make an excellent salary now and we had to explicitly tell them that they should pick Up the tab sometimes when we go out to eat or when they go out with an Aunt or Uncle - like maybe every third or fourth time, They just don’t get the implicit cultural norms without being told explicitly what they are.

[Anonymous]

It's very hard to answer this question, I guess, because the way asd presents in each individual.

Functionality is very diverse, situations are diverse.

Carry on...props to those dealing with difficult situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

But the question is are they happy? Content?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

Are they happy with their life? Maybe they don't need friends or long term jobs to feel content.

Its only a problem if they're always complaining about their situation and placing blame on the employers and the friends. That indicates they have poor insight and should seek counseling.

They have arranged it so that they don’t have to take direction from anyone in a job, operates own business but yet probably got married as an income and insurance back up. Relationships are fairly transactional, and have been that way since childhood.

But the question is are they happy? Content?

If they were happy, would they leave every friend and relationship they ever had, over and over again?
If everything is transactional, then basically this is a neurodivergent narcissist. So, probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe start by not invalidating their experience by calling it "high functioning." That's just another way of saying that the autism doesn't affect others, but ignores the affect it has on the autistic person. And masking is exhausting. You could begin to build a better relationship if you don't expect them to mask around you.
-Autistic adult

Advice for getting them NOT to mask around parents? Or most people.
I see a funny insightful human hiding behind a veneer. It’s so hard to get to the real person.

[Anonymous]

Following this post. My ADD daughter just quit college after freshman year. She is so disappointed in herself, and we don't quite know what to do with her. She can be incredibly sweet and friendly, but is just addicted to her phone and cannot seem to do the basics like check email, ya know, to see if one of the jobs she applied for reached out. So frustrating. It's honestly 100% executive functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an adult DC with autism. In today’s vernacular they are level one, low support. They are 26 and have a good job.

They lived at home for the first 3 years Post college and now live in their own apartment. They need help with cleaning the apartment and other things. They generally consult with us on various decisions. We see them about once a week and FaceTime several times during the week. They are still active with their friend group online, but Covid has stunted their ability to find a friend group locally. They are in a job that is stereotypical for level one, low support, and have been able to do a few things outside of work with co-workers. The problem is that, for the most part, they are all still working from home. I think working in the office would be beneficial to them and their co-workers at this point in their careers.

I have thought more about this and want to add to my post above.

I would say, DC is still a work in progress and we are not done as parents. For DC, most things have been delayed but eventually things click.

We have had to break down some things into smaller steps. For example, when they learned how to drive we spent many more hours on the smaller roads gradually working up to larger and faster roads. They probably had closer to 100 hours of driving before they took Behind the Wheel - instead of the required 45. Getting other life skills has been similar. When they lived at home after college, they were responsible for one dinner meal a week and it took two years for them to get comfortable cooking enough recipes. The first few times they cooked something, we cooked together then I was just around for questions, then I would purposely go out for a walk while they were cooking. Same thing with laundry or cleaning the bathroom or other household tasks. It just took longer.

We have to be explicit in instructions, it just doesn’t come naturally. They make an excellent salary now and we had to explicitly tell them that they should pick Up the tab sometimes when we go out to eat or when they go out with an Aunt or Uncle - like maybe every third or fourth time, They just don’t get the implicit cultural norms without being told explicitly what they are.

Thanks for this info. Thinking about using it with my ASD daughter in 9th grade. Seems like this would also be an approach that would work with her, since she seems to go longer and slower with things, and also doesn't understand cultural norms that aren't explained to her (and gets mad when we expect her to follow them). Thanks for the detail!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe start by not invalidating their experience by calling it "high functioning." That's just another way of saying that the autism doesn't affect others, but ignores the affect it has on the autistic person. And masking is exhausting. You could begin to build a better relationship if you don't expect them to mask around you.
-Autistic adult

Advice for getting them NOT to mask around parents? Or most people.
I see a funny insightful human hiding behind a veneer. It’s so hard to get to the real person.

There isn't any way to adequately describe all these people unless individually. My AC was an honor student in school, multiple degrees, high IQ, got plenty of jobs, has periodic and situational friends, looks like she's together, but is masking all the time. Anxiety, leaves all relationships eventually. All. Replaces people, jobs, residences all the time... like an escape. Has to start over. Obsesses over things- collects large amounts of one item to the point of hoarding. Fetishizes ideas, places. Is secretive when she doesn't need to be. Manipulates instead of engaging. Isn't interested in talking on the phone. Conversations are forced and awkward. She isn't young now, but will communicate with social media memes pretty much only.

It's so hard to watch her lose things that are positive in her life. We have to walk on eggshells all the time around her, and she can be very cruel. We do because it's our only lifeline to her and we love her. I've learned that worrying won't help, and she will have to manage on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

+1000 Agree

The person was joking sarcastically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

+1000 Agree

The person was joking sarcastically

Yes, that's why the responses to the poster were appropriate. The sarcastic person was horrible. It was fully understood.