Experiences with neurodivergent adult child

[Anonymous]

If you have a high functioning neurodivergent adult child that has gotten in life and work by with masking, but their relationships with others are weak at best, and they make poor life decisions, how have you managed your relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Maybe start by not invalidating their experience by calling it "high functioning." That's just another way of saying that the autism doesn't affect others, but ignores the affect it has on the autistic person. And masking is exhausting. You could begin to build a better relationship if you don't expect them to mask around you.
-Autistic adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe start by not invalidating their experience by calling it "high functioning." That's just another way of saying that the autism doesn't affect others, but ignores the affect it has on the autistic person. And masking is exhausting. You could begin to build a better relationship if you don't expect them to mask around you.
-Autistic adult

I call it high functioning for this forum not because I call it that. It's for everyone here that doesn't know this person has never identified personally as autistic, probably wouldn't, has multiple degrees and a high IQ, and works, but one job after. No lasting relationships or situations. Approaching middle age now.

But everyone around this person knows. Everyone. When this person announces various life choices that seem odd, the comment that is always elicited from others is " Well, of course, because they are...." Did I know all this time? Yes, probably. Autism wasn't as defined as it is now, but, yeah.

[Anonymous]

I have an adult DC with autism. In today’s vernacular they are level one, low support. They are 26 and have a good job.

They lived at home for the first 3 years Post college and now live in their own apartment. They need help with cleaning the apartment and other things. They generally consult with us on various decisions. We see them about once a week and FaceTime several times during the week. They are still active with their friend group online, but Covid has stunted their ability to find a friend group locally. They are in a job that is stereotypical for level one, low support, and have been able to do a few things outside of work with co-workers. The problem is that, for the most part, they are all still working from home. I think working in the office would be beneficial to them and their co-workers at this point in their careers.

[Anonymous]

OMG. My neurodivergent almost adult makes me crazy and I'm not sure I can handle her coming home again after college. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

I'm following this because I need help with this topic.

[Anonymous]

Hoping to get advice in how to maintain good relationship, which we have, on their terms of course, which involves as little communication as possible outside of texts, but-it is painful to watch. I realize they are an adult and will make their own decisions regardless of how ill advised they are, and constantly leaving friendships that, at least, provided community. I don't give advice at all any more, this person is pushing 40, but I do realize they are, despite very intelligent on paper, is very insecure and immature, too, which won't end really. About to leave yet another job which was going well and a group of friends.

[Anonymous]

Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

Cute. But you missed the point and are assuming a lot. ND sibling is the high achiever. And no one is comparing anyone anyway, so inserting your own perception where it makes zero sense isn't helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

Gee, only a year ago? Seems like with your obtuse sense of humor it would have been much longer ago than that!

[Anonymous]

Clear boundaries and expectations. Ask how your communication is being received and if there is something you can do differently. If you helicopter or don’t check in enough.

Talking to them when they are most likely to be receptive. My kid does much better before 6pm. 8pm is not the time to address a problem that can wait until the morning.

Three positive comments for every criticism/ piece of advice. Actively look for places they are doing well or have made improvements and things they are proud of and comment on them. Save the advice/criticism part for the really important things (aKA choose your battles). Plus, if you start looking for the positives, you see your kid in a more positive light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clear boundaries and expectations. Ask how your communication is being received and if there is something you can do differently. If you helicopter or don’t check in enough.

Talking to them when they are most likely to be receptive. My kid does much better before 6pm. 8pm is not the time to address a problem that can wait until the morning.

Three positive comments for every criticism/ piece of advice. Actively look for places they are doing well or have made improvements and things they are proud of and comment on them. Save the advice/criticism part for the really important things (aKA choose your battles). Plus, if you start looking for the positives, you see your kid in a more positive light.

I don't give any advice. Just want to have a relationship where I don't have to pull out basic information, like, how are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear boundaries and expectations. Ask how your communication is being received and if there is something you can do differently. If you helicopter or don’t check in enough.

Talking to them when they are most likely to be receptive. My kid does much better before 6pm. 8pm is not the time to address a problem that can wait until the morning.

Three positive comments for every criticism/ piece of advice. Actively look for places they are doing well or have made improvements and things they are proud of and comment on them. Save the advice/criticism part for the really important things (aKA choose your battles). Plus, if you start looking for the positives, you see your kid in a more positive light.

I don't give any advice. Just want to have a relationship where I don't have to pull out basic information, like, how are you?

Well, when my kid is home from college, he views showers at annoying and optional. Once the odor from his room wafts to other parts of the house or no one wants to ride in the car is him, it’s is suggested he shower.

When he’s home for the summer, it’s suggested that he acknowledge when family members greet him and suggested that he do something besides gaming and sleeping until noon for summer break.

If you live with other people, sometimes there need to be rules and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear boundaries and expectations. Ask how your communication is being received and if there is something you can do differently. If you helicopter or don’t check in enough.

Talking to them when they are most likely to be receptive. My kid does much better before 6pm. 8pm is not the time to address a problem that can wait until the morning.

Three positive comments for every criticism/ piece of advice. Actively look for places they are doing well or have made improvements and things they are proud of and comment on them. Save the advice/criticism part for the really important things (aKA choose your battles). Plus, if you start looking for the positives, you see your kid in a more positive light.

I don't give any advice. Just want to have a relationship where I don't have to pull out basic information, like, how are you?

Well, when my kid is home from college, he views showers at annoying and optional. Once the odor from his room wafts to other parts of the house or no one wants to ride in the car is him, it’s is suggested he shower.

When he’s home for the summer, it’s suggested that he acknowledge when family members greet him and suggested that he do something besides gaming and sleeping until noon for summer break.

If you live with other people, sometimes there need to be rules and boundaries.

Those do not sound like rules and boundaries. Suggestions? I would enforce the rules rather than suggest in your house. Luckily, my son with ASD responds well to "rules." If your son does not, then I would suggest ramping up the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ableist mom here. I make sure I compare them to their super high achieving gifted sibling. I am deeply embarrassed by their way of being in the world, and LOL, I stopped hiding it when they were in high school. I have zero tolerance for people who are not mentally and physically fit.

My ND daughter thinks I'm ignorant and arrogant. She abruptly severed ties with me a year ago. Oh well.

What a fing horrible person you are.

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