I think my tween needs to lose weight. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Please, please, please buy him clothes that fit. Even if he were overweight, which you say he’s not, he shouldn’t be forced to squeeze into clothing that make him feel self-conscious. When is the last time you bought him clothes? Are you still shopping in the boys section? Might be time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP weighs less than her growing son and is afraid that his body reflects poorly on her.

My mom was like this when I was 5'4 and 120 pounds as a young teen - she was 5'4 and 105. She thought I was fat and would just get fatter and fatter. (At 50, I am 5'4 and 115 pounds, but thanks for screwing up my body image, Mom!)

If your son is self-conscious about how his body looks right now, talk to him about how puberty looks different on everyone - he is not the only 11 year old with a pudgy middle and its perfectly normal for him to be built like that. Don't play muffin police or cut off food. Make sure his brothers arent bullying him over it. My kids ate more as tweens before their big growth spurts than they did as teens.

NO! (OP here). I am not worried about how it reflects on me. I want him to be happy and healthy. The American Academy of Pediatrics just recently came out with a big push to be more aggressive in fighting obesity or overweight status with kids/teens. I know my son is not obese or perhaps even technically overweight right now. But he's definitely heavier than most of his friends and I know it bothers him, and I'm just trying to figure out how to help. My top priority is to NOT give him a complex.

And for what it's worth I am not some weight-obsessed skinny mom. I'm solidly average, always have been, and am fine with that.

So, I totally understand where the AAP is coming from on this issue (I’m sure most agree) BUT we are just trying to tell you that your son’s pattern is SO SO COMMON among normal healthy kids. Suddenly getting a tad bit chubby at age 11 is so so normal. Honestly I am surprised he is self conscious about it based on what you posted- he sounds daily average. My son is 12 and 5’1” 90lbs and very slender- most of his similar height friends outweigh him by 10-20lbs for sure and look a bit more sturdy than he does- but definitely healthy and not overweight. I think it is a puberty thing (my son really hasn’t started and I assume many others have). Boys tend to get thicker with puberty, not a new thing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old son has been getting progressively pudgier - mostly around his waist, it's now almost at the point where his belly is hanging over his pants/shorts waist. I think this bothers him (his older brothers are both very lean) but he has not said anything about losing weight to me directly. He weighs about 110 and is 5'1 or 5'2.

HIs activity level is moderate - he is not super into sports but does do a sport activity 2-3 days a week, we are also training for a 5k together, and he walks to school every day.

He's on a low dose of Lexapro and Concerta for ADHD. His eating habits are a bit unique. He eats a HUGE breakfast - he is really hungry in the morning and usually eats a breakfast burrito or sandwich (homemade) with eggs and cheese, 1% milk, maybe some cereal, and a muffin. He does not have a huge lunch appetite and it's hard for me to know what exactly he's eating because he's at school. I've told him he is not allowed to get a breakfast item when he gets to school (he was sometimes buying another muffin or other baked good from the school). He usually then wants an after school snack - he will often get himself some cereal or something. He eats a moderate dinner - usually a balanced meal of meat, a starch (potatoes, egg noodles, rice, etc) and vegetable. We have a no-dessert rule for weekdays. He refuses to eat fruit but will eat vegetables. I suspect he may be sneaking unhealthy food when I'm not around.

Do I just let this go until a pediatrician says something? I will continue to push on physical activity but I suspect the issue is more diet. I have tried to cut back the starchy, carby food. I hesitate to cut him off at breakfast because he just seems so hungry and the ADHD medication means he's not super hungry at lunch - but then he is hungry after school. Do I ban after-school snack?

He also suffers from some anxiety and low self esteem and comparing himself negatively to his older brother (who actually needs to gain weight, so that's awkward for me - encouraging high calorie food for the older brother but restricting it for the younger one) and so I really don't want to make this a big deal, but I worry if we keep heading down this path it will make the anxiety and self-esteem issues worse when he is viewed as a "fat kid" in school.

Thanks for any advice.

No more muffins.

[Anonymous]

DH, DD and I are all planning to lose weight and exercise together. We all need it! We just baldly said: "we're all above our healthy weight, and clearly there's visible fat that shouldn't be there, so let's start eating better and exercising more." The pediatrician was supportive, so... the message was easy to get across. Now the actual implementation is a little harder

[Anonymous]

I think how you handle it is wait a couple years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. My ds started getting slightly pudgy at 9, despite the same exact food as his skinny sister eats. He put on more weight during the pandemic when school was online and he barely left the house (yes we got out to hike and bike etc, but it was different). At 13 he still has a big belly whereas the rest of him is strong. He swims 3-4 times a week. He hasn't hit a huge growth spurt yet, but I'm hoping that helps.

It's hard because his diet isnt perfect, but it's far healthier than many of his friends (no soda, juice on occasion, he eats fruits and vegetables happily and we don't eat junk food much at all) he's still pudgier than many of them that drink sodas and have McDonalds every week. It's hard when the advice given in these situations vary so much. Don't restrict because it'll give them an eating disorder, don't let them have what they want because they'll just keep gaining, teach them moderation (that's so subjective), keep them active, okay but he's still heavy for his frame despite that.

People judge so quickly when a kid is overweight, but for some reason they don't judge a skinny kid who eats unhealthy all the time. He's a hungry growing boy and we are doing our best to set healthy habits for his future without giving him a complex about his weight. Especially having a skinny sibling.

So I have no advice for you, just commiserating.

This is so true. Mine is 10 and much bigger than her BFFs, where she eats dinner a lot (the mom is a good friend of mine too). . Those kids literally only eat pizza, nuggets and pasta for dinner and have dessert every night. I sometimes say to the mom hey, let’s skip dessert tonight because the kids just came from a birthday party (or whatever) and she’ll say, oh, kids are only young once! I can’t imagine what others would say about me if I did the same thing with an overweight child. DCUM would crucify me.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered buying your kid better clothes?

[Anonymous]

Buy clothes that fit him. It may be not slim pants that youre used to getting for your other kids.

[Anonymous]

OP you do sound a little intense about this.

I think it’s a great idea for intense food parents to outsource nutritional information. There are so many good nutritionists out there. Use your pediatrician to find one. Then you can say to your kid something like:

“Me and your doctor have noticed you’re overweight. That doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy, or that you’ve done anything wrong. We all have different bodies and they respond differently to food and all kinds of other factors. To be honest, this is a tough area for me. I am really intense about watching my food intake, and I’m not sure that’s the best approach. What I want to do is have you meet with a nutritionist. They will teach you more about food and how it works in our bodies. That way you have the info, and you don’t have to rely on me.
Another thing I want to do is make sure you have clothes that fit. There’s no reason to wear clothes that are too small or too big. I’ll make sure you have clothes that fit even if you get bigger or smaller.
You and your brothers have different bodies. This whole eating and weight thing isn’t the same for everybody. Eating healthy is a lot harder for some people, and science doesn’t really know why yet. So I don’t want you to think that your brothers are just better at this than you.
I also hope you already know this, but just in case I want to make sure I say that this is your body. I love you no matter what size you are, and I’m proud of you no matter what size you are. You don’t have to lose weight to be “okay” or “right” or “good.” You’re okay and right and good now, and I love you. The reason I’m sending you to the nutritionist is just to learn. You don’t have to do anything with the information if you decide not to.”

[Anonymous]

JFC do NOT send your perfectly healthy child who is NOT OVERWEIGHT and doesn’t YET have an eating disorder to a freaking nutritionist. Unless you’d like them to develop a complex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you do sound a little intense about this.

I think it’s a great idea for intense food parents to outsource nutritional information. There are so many good nutritionists out there. Use your pediatrician to find one. Then you can say to your kid something like:

“Me and your doctor have noticed you’re overweight. That doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy, or that you’ve done anything wrong. We all have different bodies and they respond differently to food and all kinds of other factors. To be honest, this is a tough area for me. I am really intense about watching my food intake, and I’m not sure that’s the best approach. What I want to do is have you meet with a nutritionist. They will teach you more about food and how it works in our bodies. That way you have the info, and you don’t have to rely on me.
Another thing I want to do is make sure you have clothes that fit. There’s no reason to wear clothes that are too small or too big. I’ll make sure you have clothes that fit even if you get bigger or smaller.
You and your brothers have different bodies. This whole eating and weight thing isn’t the same for everybody. Eating healthy is a lot harder for some people, and science doesn’t really know why yet. So I don’t want you to think that your brothers are just better at this than you.
I also hope you already know this, but just in case I want to make sure I say that this is your body. I love you no matter what size you are, and I’m proud of you no matter what size you are. You don’t have to lose weight to be “okay” or “right” or “good.” You’re okay and right and good now, and I love you. The reason I’m sending you to the nutritionist is just to learn. You don’t have to do anything with the information if you decide not to.”

Uhhh she claims one kid needs to gain weight so shouldn't all of them be consuled? Especially her since she is projecting issues onto her son???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you op. My ds started getting slightly pudgy at 9, despite the same exact food as his skinny sister eats. He put on more weight during the pandemic when school was online and he barely left the house (yes we got out to hike and bike etc, but it was different). At 13 he still has a big belly whereas the rest of him is strong. He swims 3-4 times a week. He hasn't hit a huge growth spurt yet, but I'm hoping that helps.

It's hard because his diet isnt perfect, but it's far healthier than many of his friends (no soda, juice on occasion, he eats fruits and vegetables happily and we don't eat junk food much at all) he's still pudgier than many of them that drink sodas and have McDonalds every week. It's hard when the advice given in these situations vary so much. Don't restrict because it'll give them an eating disorder, don't let them have what they want because they'll just keep gaining, teach them moderation (that's so subjective), keep them active, okay but he's still heavy for his frame despite that.

People judge so quickly when a kid is overweight, but for some reason they don't judge a skinny kid who eats unhealthy all the time. He's a hungry growing boy and we are doing our best to set healthy habits for his future without giving him a complex about his weight. Especially having a skinny sibling.

So I have no advice for you, just commiserating.

This is so true. Mine is 10 and much bigger than her BFFs, where she eats dinner a lot (the mom is a good friend of mine too). . Those kids literally only eat pizza, nuggets and pasta for dinner and have dessert every night. I sometimes say to the mom hey, let’s skip dessert tonight because the kids just came from a birthday party (or whatever) and she’ll say, oh, kids are only young once! I can’t imagine what others would say about me if I did the same thing with an overweight child. DCUM would crucify me.

Exactly. But because her kids are skinny, it's "fine" :/

[Anonymous]

At 11 my son had a little "extra", as he called it. He grew a foot from 5'3" to 6'3" in the next few years. He'll need every stored calorie, so don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you do sound a little intense about this.

I think it’s a great idea for intense food parents to outsource nutritional information. There are so many good nutritionists out there. Use your pediatrician to find one. Then you can say to your kid something like:

“Me and your doctor have noticed you’re overweight. That doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy, or that you’ve done anything wrong. We all have different bodies and they respond differently to food and all kinds of other factors. To be honest, this is a tough area for me. I am really intense about watching my food intake, and I’m not sure that’s the best approach. What I want to do is have you meet with a nutritionist. They will teach you more about food and how it works in our bodies. That way you have the info, and you don’t have to rely on me.
Another thing I want to do is make sure you have clothes that fit. There’s no reason to wear clothes that are too small or too big. I’ll make sure you have clothes that fit even if you get bigger or smaller.
You and your brothers have different bodies. This whole eating and weight thing isn’t the same for everybody. Eating healthy is a lot harder for some people, and science doesn’t really know why yet. So I don’t want you to think that your brothers are just better at this than you.
I also hope you already know this, but just in case I want to make sure I say that this is your body. I love you no matter what size you are, and I’m proud of you no matter what size you are. You don’t have to lose weight to be “okay” or “right” or “good.” You’re okay and right and good now, and I love you. The reason I’m sending you to the nutritionist is just to learn. You don’t have to do anything with the information if you decide not to.”

Is this satire?

Ha ha, heres a 10-minute lecture for a tween of a completely normal weight telling him that he’s almost obese, but no worries, we (are trying to) love him anyway!

[Anonymous]

I am a doctor, however let me give two comments right off the bat:

1) I am not a pediatrician. The vast majority of my experience is with adults;

2) I am not your son's doctor. I do not have access to his medical records (and don't want access to them) and have never seen or met him.

Based on BMI (adjusted for teenagers/children), he may be slightly overweight. I dont put much stock into BMI, at least for any definitive purpose, but from your description it sounds like he may be slightly overweight to overweight based on his body fat %, activity level, and appearance (i.e. moderate-to-low activity level, visible stomach, etc), however I don't see any reason to go overboard or encourage dieting. I feel as though nowadays people tend to overreact, it is important to realize that many people who are 5-10 pounds overweight live long, healthy, and productive lives with very, very minimal complications due to their weight. And your son is at an age where kids tend to put on a bit of weight before a growth spurt. Certainly encourage healthy eating (everybody should!), but it does not sound like any drastic intervention is needed, at least regarding the weight.

My one concern is the irregular eating pattern. It sounds like he eats excessively (and a breakfast burrito, cereal, and occasionally a muffin for breakfast is a excessive, especially at his age), has a light (non-existent?) lunch, and typical dinner. In my experience, a lot of people who do have weight problems as adults often follow irregular and/or disordered eating patterns. I have worked with a lot of overweight/obese individuals who skip breakfast, as an example, and most academic research actually backs this up. I think getting in the habit of overeating at one meal at the expense of another tends to lead to a pattern of eating less one meal, then over compensating for that at the next. My only suggestion would be to lightly encourage him to spread out that food over breakfast and lunch rather then cramming it in at breakfast, he probably is hungrier in the morning because he isn't eating a reasonable lunch, is then just maintaining at dinner, which leads to him waking up starving. Don't make it about his weight, or how he looks, but just encourage eating three balance meals.