I don’t like my daughter. I know this won’t ever change-

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP, and it’s ok. You recognize that you do love her. I hope that you don’t let on that you don’t like her, because that would indeed be damaging, but parents, especially mothers, don’t have to be self sacrificing martyrs who put their kids on pedestals. Seriously, parents didn’t used to have these pressures, much less the demands of parenting today. Your job is to take care of her and raise her to be a functional and contributing member of society.

I don’t particularly care for some of my relatives, but I treat them well and we have relationships. I also have a ton of lovely people in my life I’m not biologically related to.

[Anonymous]

What OP (and some responders) are missing here is that if OP is thinking the thoughts "I don't like my daughter and never will," these feelings will be telegraphed to her daughter, even if unintentionally.

While we don't need to be martyrs, good parents don't give up on their 13 year olds unless the kid is a serial killer. Find things to like, make an effort to connect, make a choice to find things to love about that kid, even if they are a challenge.

If you continue down this path, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

(and BY THE WAY, kids can change a lot between 13 and whenever... )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What OP (and some responders) are missing here is that if OP is thinking the thoughts "I don't like my daughter and never will," these feelings will be telegraphed to her daughter, even if unintentionally.

While we don't need to be martyrs, good parents don't give up on their 13 year olds unless the kid is a serial killer. Find things to like, make an effort to connect, make a choice to find things to love about that kid, even if they are a challenge.

If you continue down this path, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

(and BY THE WAY, kids can change a lot between 13 and whenever... )

OP’s daughter is 16, not 13.

My mother and I never got along either. Our personalities are way too different, and they are still that way. I still visit her once a year (she’s on the other coast). It’s fine OP. Just do your best to be a parent, and make sure she has the confidence and skills necessary to leave the nest when she’s an adult. That’s something you need to do just as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What OP (and some responders) are missing here is that if OP is thinking the thoughts "I don't like my daughter and never will," these feelings will be telegraphed to her daughter, even if unintentionally.

While we don't need to be martyrs, good parents don't give up on their 13 year olds unless the kid is a serial killer. Find things to like, make an effort to connect, make a choice to find things to love about that kid, even if they are a challenge.

If you continue down this path, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

(and BY THE WAY, kids can change a lot between 13 and whenever... )

OP’s daughter is 16, not 13.

My mother and I never got along either. Our personalities are way too different, and they are still that way. I still visit her once a year (she’s on the other coast). It’s fine OP. Just do your best to be a parent, and make sure she has the confidence and skills necessary to leave the nest when she’s an adult. That’s something you need to do just as a parent.

The saying blood is thicker than water does exist. It doesn't mean you have to like and cherish your offspring or parents as long as you acknowledge there still remains a tie with some obligations. I can care about a family member without liking them. I do think in recent decades we've lost sight of a lot of common understanding of human nature and society is imbued with constant, seemingly impossible messages about how things should be that actually only worsen the tensions, such as the inability to differentiate between love and like when it comes to family relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, hold out hope. Her brain is still developing. I was a whiny, obstinate toddler, needy, sensitive child and drama queen teen and my parents and I are super close as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

+1

I am automatically skeptical of poor me moms posting here, especially ones who speak so freely of not liking their children. I suspect most lack all understanding of child psychology/development and will lie to themselves their whole lives, giving themselves a free pass for causing the critical ego wounds in early childhood that disrupted their children’s attachment process and lead to a lifetime of attachment issues - which manifest in lots of self destructive ways.

Of course it’s all the child’s fault. S/he has a difficult personality. S/he was born with it. Has nothing whatsoever to do with hypercritical and cold mothering. Never that.

Damn is this a spoof or what? Not all personality difficulties are due to parents inflicting ego damage in early childhood! Do you have kids? A lot is inborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well unfortunately you could be right

I wonder who the PP think adults were with borderline personality disorder. Guess what? They were kids with issues. As a society we need to get better about accepting that kids can and do have real mental health issues and they don’t outgrown them and they aren’t fixable just manageable

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Tough love is needed. And make sure no access to guns....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What OP (and some responders) are missing here is that if OP is thinking the thoughts "I don't like my daughter and never will," these feelings will be telegraphed to her daughter, even if unintentionally.

While we don't need to be martyrs, good parents don't give up on their 13 year olds unless the kid is a serial killer. Find things to like, make an effort to connect, make a choice to find things to love about that kid, even if they are a challenge.

If you continue down this path, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

(and BY THE WAY, kids can change a lot between 13 and whenever... )

OP’s daughter is 16, not 13.

My mother and I never got along either. Our personalities are way too different, and they are still that way. I still visit her once a year (she’s on the other coast). It’s fine OP. Just do your best to be a parent, and make sure she has the confidence and skills necessary to leave the nest when she’s an adult. That’s something you need to do just as a parent.

The saying blood is thicker than water does exist. It doesn't mean you have to like and cherish your offspring or parents as long as you acknowledge there still remains a tie with some obligations. I can care about a family member without liking them. I do think in recent decades we've lost sight of a lot of common understanding of human nature and society is imbued with constant, seemingly impossible messages about how things should be that actually only worsen the tensions, such as the inability to differentiate between love and like when it comes to family relationships.

The saying is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” meaning that the bonds you choose to make are stronger than the ones you are born into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Mom,

Don't worry, I know you hate me which is why I declined to see you as I'm not putting on a show and I moved on. My husband hates how you treat me which is why he avoids you. And, we both hate how you treat our kids. No worries. You haven't been much of a mom to me for many years and I know if I need something not to call as you'd never help out.

Take care.

Daughter where is your responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please go to therapy, for both of your sakes. I could tell my mother didn't like me and it took me decades to get over it.

Same and I'm on my late 40s and am still working through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough love is needed. And make sure no access to guns....

I swear, this line about guns is even more irritating and completely useless than calling everyone trolls

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. There will be brighter days. Sometimes just gotta make it through the bad days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi Mom,

Don't worry, I know you hate me which is why I declined to see you as I'm not putting on a show and I moved on. My husband hates how you treat me which is why he avoids you. And, we both hate how you treat our kids. No worries. You haven't been much of a mom to me for many years and I know if I need something not to call as you'd never help out.

Take care.

Daughter where is your responsibility?

Her mom didn't like her as a child. The child had zero responsibility for a nut case of a mom.

[Anonymous]

My very difficult teen became a lovely human around age 20. We needed the break from each other.