I don’t like my daughter. I know this won’t ever change-

[Anonymous]

my daughter was a real little b**** during the teenage years. i would say from 14 - 21, she was awful.

thankfully she grew out of it at about 21. now she is a little mom and great to be around.

hopefully your's will grow up and grow out of this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

+1

I am automatically skeptical of poor me moms posting here, especially ones who speak so freely of not liking their children. I suspect most lack all understanding of child psychology/development and will lie to themselves their whole lives, giving themselves a free pass for causing the critical ego wounds in early childhood that disrupted their children’s attachment process and lead to a lifetime of attachment issues - which manifest in lots of self destructive ways.

Of course it’s all the child’s fault. S/he has a difficult personality. S/he was born with it. Has nothing whatsoever to do with hypercritical and cold mothering. Never that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Not necessarily. If OP is not informed on special needs and their presentation, she can absolutely dislike her difficult child and wonder it came to this.
And even with a known diagnosis, I can tell you I don’t always like my son, now 17!!! I love him, I care for him, but boy is it hard sometimes.

Now perhaps OP has something as well. But perhaps not. I have ADHD. DS gets the HFA from his father.

I think it’s messed up to assign all the blame to the child without looking inward.

Genetics, PP. This is the part you're missing. Genes are reassorted and transmitted. OP cannot do anything about that. Hop on to the Special Needs forum and people will tell you how hard and demoralizing it can to raise a child like this. OP need to be a SUPER-PARENT to raise such a child. If you haven't walked in her shoes, don't criticize.

Why are we taking OP at her word? I find it disgusting that she would post about hating her child and all these other people chime in, egging it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I had similar feelings about my child when he was much younger (6-10). Then he slowly began to change and my attitude began changing too. I know the teenage years are still ahead for the both of us (he is almost 13) but some things have helped me.
- accepting him as a lazy person trying to get away with doing as little as possible. I think it is very human, and people are born conscientious or lazy, it’s a scale. I do teach him work ethics but I have mostly accepted that he will be lazier than me or many others who actually achieve something;
- accepting that he is not ambitious;
- putting my child first. If there are any concerns from teachers, I approach it as trying to help him -
I used to be ashamed that he doesn’t perform up to par - now I give him the benefit of the doubt
- I keep telling him how being pleasant and displaying interest and a caring attitude can help one in life - he doesn’t have to really care but he needs to emulate respect and a positive attitude. I hope he fakes it till he makes it
- I keep telling him that unfortunately we are quite limited in how we live our lives and what we do. The art of happiness is choosing the least hated option and looking at the positive side of things. We all have to go to school and work and we can make the best of it but we can’t really escape it fully

It was mostly my acceptance that changed things I think. I plan to keep it up. He won’t ever be in a great college or an outstanding specialist at work, but at least he is smart and good looking and not horrible personality wise and hopefully he will be a productive citizen - what’s more to wish for?

There are quite a lot of assumptions made here. I feel sorry for your kid. Sounds like you have very unrealistically high expectations. To get the best out of your kid, lead, invite and inspire. See what happens. Be open. Deciding your kid is a loser no matter what and "making peace with it" is very lazy on your part.

[Anonymous]

Someone told me love the one you got, not the one you want. It’s a two-way street and the mother needs to try to meet her daughter in the middle. I don’t like my boss, but I’m pleasant and have a relationship. I work at it and want it to work. You have to have the thinking that you want it to work. Not that you’re ignoring her and counting the days until she leaves.

I have a very strained relationship with my mom. I don’t like her much and I’ve set a lot of boundaries that allow me to have a relationship with her. I do want my DCs to know her, so I find our common ground and limit one on one interactions.

Find mutual interest - issues she’s passionate about, movies, music, food, shopping. You can find something you both like and do that together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I had similar feelings about my child when he was much younger (6-10). Then he slowly began to change and my attitude began changing too. I know the teenage years are still ahead for the both of us (he is almost 13) but some things have helped me.
- accepting him as a lazy person trying to get away with doing as little as possible. I think it is very human, and people are born conscientious or lazy, it’s a scale. I do teach him work ethics but I have mostly accepted that he will be lazier than me or many others who actually achieve something;
- accepting that he is not ambitious;
- putting my child first. If there are any concerns from teachers, I approach it as trying to help him -
I used to be ashamed that he doesn’t perform up to par - now I give him the benefit of the doubt
- I keep telling him how being pleasant and displaying interest and a caring attitude can help one in life - he doesn’t have to really care but he needs to emulate respect and a positive attitude. I hope he fakes it till he makes it
- I keep telling him that unfortunately we are quite limited in how we live our lives and what we do. The art of happiness is choosing the least hated option and looking at the positive side of things. We all have to go to school and work and we can make the best of it but we can’t really escape it fully

It was mostly my acceptance that changed things I think. I plan to keep it up. He won’t ever be in a great college or an outstanding specialist at work, but at least he is smart and good looking and not horrible personality wise and hopefully he will be a productive citizen - what’s more to wish for?

There are quite a lot of assumptions made here. I feel sorry for your kid. Sounds like you have very unrealistically high expectations. To get the best out of your kid, lead, invite and inspire. See what happens. Be open. Deciding your kid is a loser no matter what and "making peace with it" is very lazy on your part.

Being average isn’t being a loser. He will be an average adult in terms of achievement and personality. And that’s fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no rule that says you have to like or live your children. Sure, it makes life easier but each of you are individual people. When she becomes an adult, she may be a person you don’t want to interact with. You may also be a person she doesn’t want to interact with.

You will always be her mother. You need to provide her a stable home life and set her on the path to become a productive member of society. It’s really okay not to like her but there’s no need to let her know that. Your relationship may just gradually drift apart once she leaves home. It’s sad but I don’t think it’s u heard of.

Wow would definitely try to work on this before casually letting her "drift" out or your life aka you reject her!!!

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP some kids are duds. Hoping your daughter will be out of the house soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please go to therapy, for both of your sakes. I could tell my mother didn't like me and it took me decades to get over it.

I had little in common with my mom unlike my siblings. She didn’t bother to hide her disdain for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP some kids are duds. Hoping your daughter will be out of the house soon.

What a disgusting response. The poor kid is definitely traumatized growing up with a parent that openly disdains her and never met her halfway.

[Anonymous]

I’m familiar with this pattern. When the grandkids come you’ll be the best gramma in the world and they will be so puzzled as to why Mom says Gramma was a witch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m familiar with this pattern. When the grandkids come you’ll be the best gramma in the world and they will be so puzzled as to why Mom says Gramma was a witch.

Well, until the grandkids develop their own personality and opinions, any way.

[Anonymous]

I don't think my parents like my sister. They will never admit it and they surely have made their peace with her a long time ago. She certainly isn't excluded and they were no less generous to her than to me, but their relationship is not close nor is it warm and confidential. I see this in how they rarely talk to each other about anything except a handful of very safe, neutral topics and don't rush to call each other if anything happens. My father is having elderly health issues and my mother talks to me about it all the time and confides in me all the doctor details, but never to my sister, who in turn also never asks. My sister isn't a bad person but they have very different personalities and outlooks (no, not politics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP some kids are duds. Hoping your daughter will be out of the house soon.

What a disgusting response. The poor kid is definitely traumatized growing up with a parent that openly disdains her and never met her halfway.

Nothing disgusting about it. Some kids are duds. Or just have different personalities that don't mesh well with the parents. Nothing says you have to like your kid. You just gotta love them and try to make home a safe place. Liking them makes it easier but definitely not a requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grant it she’s in her terrible teens (16) but she was a difficult toddler, child, adolescent, now teen. I can’t see her ever changing. Yes, it’s terrible but it’s the truth, I don’t like her- love her but I don’t like her personality essence. I tell her I love her, she’s beautiful, etc. but I’m counting down the time when she leaves, my fear is she won’t. She’s so insecure, confrontational, negative- please someone tell me it gets better and when. I just shut down around or walk away from her now, I can’t take it.

OP, have you ever tried to figure out why your DD has such a hard time? As a toddler? As a small child? What did you do to try to help her? Poor kid.