Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
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Anonymous
| I really enjoyed our reunions not that long ago every summer w. mainly our own families from my former family. That was plenty of people -all related & the younger generation enjoyed gathering w. all their cousins. More recently, however , my siblings had been inviting a lot More people , some of whom had little to DO with our activity of week long boating. A few times I'd look around & notice even my grown childs In Laws there too , & by day that entire family at the beach joining us. The in-laws were already from our own state & hometown , & I had already grown so sick of sharing our few gr.children with Them who already had lots more gr.kids and even adult children. It was always so stressful between us back home. So there was THEM. Now the Hosts, have also extended invitations to many more -mainly our grown cousins , & by now - most siblings & even some cousins I looked forward to just joining up with just among ourselves at Their home, are all excited about this ONE cousin in particular whom I Can NOT Stand! Some are now changing our original idea of just Meeting Up ourselves , & wanting to GO instead to the Reunion & all excited about -"Because Janey will be there " !. ("Janey" a fake name and really way too Cute for this domineering monster w. the BIG Mouth & not even all that attractive in looks OR personality) is also an old FCBK friend of mine who stuck her nose out & read ME Off on fcbk . after stating something really opinionated & I took the bait & left a comment. Well-SHE just stabbed me in the back on cite & full of put downs , while no one Else on there also related to us cared to defend me , not even my own siblings. They were Always SO RESPECTFUL of some of the Most obnoxious people! Really cow tailing. BTW -also since last I saw those in-laws, my grown child got divorced, but it's really awkward how much the Host still includes THEM in their lives. So many now are really interested in now attending this reunion by Next yr. & all MEETING UP . I'm so turned OFF & considering NOT attending. The reunion has also dampened the former Interest I had suggested over just we 3 cousins. Turns out -THEY also want that other cousin, "Janey" to join up over THAT too ! The Host has just ruined what had been a good thing goin -far as I'm concerned . I also blame them for interfering w. my grown childs relationship w. his wife, before & after the divorce. Sometimes a sibling also wishes they'd just QUIT inviting ALL those people & concentrate on our Own family which is large enough! But by now she's just as excited as the REST that "Janey " & HER family are coming & a lot of that also diminishes any quality time spent w. my Own family after having to travel a long ways just to get there & spend a lot of money over lodging., etc.. The Host seems to have turned it into a Popularity Contest -but really too many & the dynamics are Changed with a swing towards a reunion of frenimies., from my perspective. Some other siblings have never even attended -& just go enjoying their Own families & home where they live. I am somewhat enviable of THEM by now. I am still a little torn though -if I should attend, or not , or just wait & see what the actual Turn-Out may be over it . But -perhaps it's my Own un-doing -I still can end up serving everyone Else as Scapegoat, too in our original large family -always being the Youngest . Old family roles die hard. I may consider going elsewhere w. just my own small family , OR we COULD go there & stay w. friends there which is nice , as thats not even an option for my siblings who have No close friends left there -at least that would offer to take them in . When things get too sticky for me w. Family.It's nice having our friends to plan on spending even half of our time there with & is a great declaration over choosing to not hang around serving as Scapegoat or from attacks from a goat , herself-:"Janey ". I fail to see what the BIG deal is about this Monster . She's really not even Nice., just domineering. , and unattractive. A lot to also be said for Small Family Gathering ! |
Anonymous
| I really enjoyed our reunions not that long ago every summer w. mainly our own families from my former family. That was plenty of people -all related & the younger generation enjoyed gathering w. all their cousins. More recently, however , my siblings had been inviting a lot More people , some of whom had little to DO with our activity of week long boating. A few times I'd look around & notice even my grown childs In Laws there too , & by day that entire family at the beach joining us. The in-laws were already from our own state & hometown , & I had already grown so sick of sharing our few gr.children with Them who already had lots more gr.kids and even adult children. It was always so stressful between us back home. So there was THEM. Now the Hosts, have also extended invitations to many more -mainly our grown cousins , & by now - most siblings & even some cousins I looked forward to just joining up with just among ourselves at Their home, are all excited about this ONE cousin in particular whom I Can NOT Stand! Some are now changing our original idea of just Meeting Up ourselves , & wanting to GO instead to the Reunion & all excited about -"Because Janey will be there " !. ("Janey" a fake name and really way too Cute for this domineering monster w. the BIG Mouth & not even all that attractive in looks OR personality) is also an old FCBK friend of mine who stuck her nose out & read ME Off on fcbk . after stating something really opinionated & I took the bait & left a comment. Well-SHE just stabbed me in the back on cite & full of put downs , while no one Else on there also related to us cared to defend me , not even my own siblings. They were Always SO RESPECTFUL of some of the Most obnoxious people! Really cow tailing. BTW -also since last I saw those in-laws, my grown child got divorced, but it's really awkward how much the Host still includes THEM in their lives. So many now are really interested in now attending this reunion by Next yr. & all MEETING UP . I'm so turned OFF & considering NOT attending. The reunion has also dampened the former Interest I had suggested over just we 3 cousins. Turns out -THEY also want that other cousin, "Janey" to join up over THAT too ! The Host has just ruined what had been a good thing goin -far as I'm concerned . I also blame them for interfering w. my grown childs relationship w. his wife, before & after the divorce. Sometimes a sibling also wishes they'd just QUIT inviting ALL those people & concentrate on our Own family which is large enough! But by now she's just as excited as the REST that "Janey " & HER family are coming & a lot of that also diminishes any quality time spent w. my Own family after having to travel a long ways just to get there & spend a lot of money over lodging., etc.. The Host seems to have turned it into a Popularity Contest -but really too many & the dynamics are Changed with a swing towards a reunion of frenimies., from my perspective. Some other siblings have never even attended -& just go enjoying their Own families & home where they live. I am somewhat enviable of THEM by now. I am still a little torn though -if I should attend, or not , or just wait & see what the actual Turn-Out may be over it . But -perhaps it's my Own un-doing -I still can end up serving everyone Else as Scapegoat, too in our original large family -always being the Youngest . Old family roles die hard. I may consider going elsewhere w. just my own small family , OR we COULD go there & stay w. friends there which is nice , as thats not even an option for my siblings who have No close friends left there -at least that would offer to take them in . When things get too sticky for me w. Family.It's nice having our friends to plan on spending even half of our time there with & is a great declaration over choosing to not hang around serving as Scapegoat or from attacks from a goat , herself-:"Janey ". I fail to see what the BIG deal is about this Monster . She's really not even Nice., just domineering. , and unattractive. A lot to also be said for Small Family Gathering ! |
Anonymous
| Our Host Couple would always gain a lot of assistance over the big Gathering. It was Still a LOT of work for the Usual Family Assistants ! Then, despite all that, the Host couple would just Continue inviting more family & friends , also more like distant relatives from our already Large original family. A sibling who had always done the Most work over it -always gets disgusted w. the Host because her "guest list" just keeps Increasing. Meanwhile the Host began to feel that her OWN niece & family shouldn't come -because She has a LOT of kids. That while she invites MY sons EX in-laws entire family & some friends we don''t even know every yr. , or a siblings in-laws as well., and so on. A sibling hoped she'd tone it Down, but then the host also invited our cousins families & so most just changed their tune finally, all excited that the big mouth monster is coming ! Then -after all that -I always hear from my sibling How Exhausted she is & never doing THAT again.,but Does. Our Family Tradition. |
Anonymous
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Funny, a distant cousin was lamenting this on Facebook recently and posted an old pic of all of us from days gone by. Those were fun times growing up. We'd go from house to house at Christmas time and trim each others trees. My cousins didn't live in the area but my aunt and uncle would make the trip or we'd all go to visit them.
DH and I are the youngest of our families, got married late and had kids late while our sibs had kids in early 20s. My kid's youngest cousin is several years older. All others are at least 10-15 years older. Furthermore, nobody lives in same town anymore. My aunts who had most the parties didn't work. They're long gone now. |
Anonymous
Same except I’m not bitter about it. I am grateful and proud. My mom is a flighty free spirit. She was never up to the task. |
Anonymous
| I had lots of cousins & my kids have very few, so I know the situation well. One of the most insightful books I ever read was “The Pursuit of Loneliness” by Philip Slater. It came out decades ago, but is still available. It details how many innovations & features of American society have combined to isolate us from each other. |
Anonymous
| My kids had that when they were younger, but as young adults the cousin bond is just not what it was when the were younger. |
Anonymous
|
I grew up without much family nearby. My parents seemed to be the only ones in their families who ever left their states. My grandma did move to live near us when I was in ES so we had her. Every few years we'd take a big trip to visit our relatives in the midwest (Dad's family) and east coast (Mom's family). The trips weren't frequent but they were special to us and we still felt a strong relationship with these cousins. My parents encouraged it by having xmas gift exchanges between us and our closest-age cousins on dad's side and my sister and I were pen pals with closest-age cousins on Mom's side. My parents seemed to visit their siblings more often once they were empty nesters and they had the time + $$ for more frequent plane trips.
I would have loved to grow up with more regular engagement with my cousins but as an adult I also liked my life/job here too much to move near my sister to get that for my kids. My siblings and I all followed our parents model and now live in 3 different cities. Fortunately my parents moved near my sister when they retired and she and I have similar-age kids. So I made visiting my parents/sister every summer a priority. Occasionally we'd also go during winter or spring break. This does mean we've sacrificed travel to a wider variety of places. We only have so much vacation time. We usually do a 1-week non-family trip per year. It got harder as our kids got older and they'd get a bit bored with just going to the grandparents. Plus my brother had younger kids and we couldn't all be at my parents' at the same time. So we started an annual trip with a big house rental and we pick a different place every year. So we get good hang-out time together and get to see a wider variety of destinations. It has been great and even now that the oldest grandkids are in college they prioritize that week. No, it's not the same as being in each others' daily lives but it is possible to feel close to the relatives you can only see a couple times a year. But it takes initiative from multiple people. It's not the grandparents' job to do that. For our big annual house rental that's usually decided among my siblings (either my sister or I does the vrbo research). My parents are happy to go wherever we will be. I didn't mention DH's family because we are basically not part of their lives. His parents have died and his brother/SIL are pretty uninterested in having a relationship. We see them at Thanksgiving mainly because I take the initiative to contact SIL and let her know we are coming. It's unfortunate since they live just a few hours away but it is what it is. |
Anonymous
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I'm a family you choose type of person. We have family friends we've had since college (not the parents of our kids' friends) and our kids have grown up together like cousins. We spend some holidays together and travel together some times.
I also grew up with cousins and as adults they're all really annoying. |
Anonymous
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Living in the same area I grew up in helps a lot with family connection. I grew up in the house my Dad grew up in and all his siblings didn’t move far, so I have a close relationships with cousins. My siblings have done the same as we all still live in the area.
However proximity isn’t the only portion of the equation. You need a kinkeeper - I’m the one who regularly texts to get donut Sundays or dinners on the calendars so my kids can see their cousins. Sometimes I get resentful that it feels like I do more legwork but then I remember my family relationships are important to me and planning things is a strength. |
Anonymous
Not to mention, the huge (different generations, entirely) age disparity on DH's side, and no age disparity on my side (for all generations), thankfully. |
Anonymous
The age disparity can make a big difference. DH's family is just a few hours away from us and if it was my family we'd see them frequently. But he is not close with his brother and his parents have died. When we married his brother already had three kids. They were age 13+ when our kids were born. We see them 1-2x a year for holidays but I think there'd have been a much greater pull to get over their childhood issues if we'd had similar age kids and wanted to nurture that relationship. |
Anonymous
| It's harder after your parents die. Even if there was family dysfunction and age-related disability, it keeps a certain amount of interaction going between siblings even if it is just for that parent. When they pass, it makes each sibling assess how much they wish to remain in contact with each other. Is there still a reason to visit during the holidays to only see your siblings? I'm stunned how different things feel now. |
Anonymous
| Same here OP. We do still get together, but not as often as I did as a child. I hope I can do the same for my grandchildren. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'd start cultivating the relationship you want with your siblings and their children. It won't look identical to your childhood, since you don't all live in the same place, but you can still do it.
Start planning how to get together with everyone at least once a year. At the same time, start building the life you want with what you have in front of you. If you want lots of kids around, go out of your way to have "family friends" who are other people with kids. Ages don't have to line up perfectly, but within a few years is usually best. Just start inviting people to your house! |