Family dynamics not what I thought they would be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the opposite.

My immediate family are all criminals and not safe to have around my family.

i thought my DH family would be a place my family could find the whole cousins/family thing. Nope MIL hated me wrong side of the tracks.

So my kids have family friends as family.

Makes me sad some days. More from my side. If they weren
t criminals then life would have been different.

I feel seen. I have several members in jail and several others are alcoholics. The extended family I do love and keep in touch with live 5 hours away. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Agree you need to take the initiative and make some of this happen if it’s important to you. I live the furthest of my siblings and am also the organizer. I plan backpacking trips with my brother and his kids, find the vacation house for us to share every couple of years over thanksgiving, encourage my sister and her kids to meet us skiing. I take a week or two every summer and just drive around New England visiting them or meeting them for mini trips. My nuclear family has never spent a Christmas at home. It helps that I have willing siblings who all get along but my kids would have much less of a relationship with their cousins if I didn’t make a lot of sacrifices to make it happen, including giving up certain things like Christmas morning in our own home.

We also cultivate some of the same vibe locally with friends. There are a couple families we vacation regularly with and a larger group that does potlucks and Halloween and the occasional group camping trip. It’s not the same as cousins but pretty cool to see this group of high schoolers that have had shared experiences since early childhood. That’s not at all to say that these things are pre-reqs for a happy childhood, but if these are things you really want for you kids, take action to make them happen. Rent a cabin and invite some friends. Plan a trip and bring along a cousin.

My mom died when I was a young adult so I knew if I wanted these things for my family, it was on me to make them happen. I can imagine I might not have done that if she was still alive and I instead depended on others to organize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.

It's not that previous generations made an effort to stay in a region. It was just harder before the rise of the internet to find jobs outside of your city or region. Let's say you graduated from the University of Michigan in 1970. Your potential jobs would come from things like job fairs on campus, and alumni network connections, which means your potential first job would be in places like Detroit, Cleveland, and Chicago. You wouldn't even know how to apply to a job in a place like Los Angeles or Seattle.

Now, you can apply for a job anywhere in the country, or the world, even.

Idk, maybe my parents (who graduated college/professional school in the late 60s) were outliers? Each of them went to colleges several states away from their hometowns (where at least 2 generations of family had lived), and then on to grad schools several states away from both, and ultimately settled (after an overseas tour in the military due to Vietnam) in yet another different part of the country entirely. It's not just a new thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.

It's not that previous generations made an effort to stay in a region. It was just harder before the rise of the internet to find jobs outside of your city or region. Let's say you graduated from the University of Michigan in 1970. Your potential jobs would come from things like job fairs on campus, and alumni network connections, which means your potential first job would be in places like Detroit, Cleveland, and Chicago. You wouldn't even know how to apply to a job in a place like Los Angeles or Seattle.

Now, you can apply for a job anywhere in the country, or the world, even.

Idk, maybe my parents (who graduated college/professional school in the late 60s) were outliers? Each of them went to colleges several states away from their hometowns (where at least 2 generations of family had lived), and then on to grad schools several states away from both, and ultimately settled (after an overseas tour in the military due to Vietnam) in yet another different part of the country entirely. It's not just a new thing.

Keep in mind, 11% of Americans have never left the state they were born in. According to Pew Research, one-third of Americans never move from the town they grew up in, and a little over half of the people have lived in the same state their whole lives (this excludes military service and attending college out of state).

[Anonymous]

Yeah. My kids are little (2 and 4) so there's some time to change, but I have 6 first cousins on my moms side and we were all born within a 4 year span and to this day they are my absolute best friends in the world.

My kids don't have any cousins on my side (I have 2 brothers, neither married yet) and 2 cousins on my DH's side but they live a 7 hour drive away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom “jokes” that I’m the matriarch. Even over my younger siblings. I don’t find it particularly funny that she’s managed to outsource all this emotional labor to me.

Similar situation here. My parents do nothing to facilitate relationships anymore. My siblings and I all live within 30 miles of each other and get together once a quarter, maybe. We all have very young children and we all work and getting everyone together at someone's house on the weekend is a lot of work for the host. Wish my parents stepped in and helped, but they have a weird relationship where my dad controls all of the money and my mom is passive and doesn't pushback, and my dad just doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can totally relate. I try not to focus on it or dwell on it because I can't change it. Personally I think this is why Latinos in the US have some better health outcomes and indicators than whites in certain areas - because they have strong and big extended families.

+1

DH barely knows his cousins, I grew up with mine. I attribute that to my being first generation. We were lucky to have an upbringing that most Americans do not have, OP. To top it off, when we spend time with DH's family, they crop us out of the photos LOL. Yup. We see my family as much as possible. My Aunts' first question when we talk is "when will you be here?!" It warms my heart, because my family taught me what family truly is, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

We have one side that's huge and close, and one that is small and connection, let alone contact, is almost non-existent. It is what it is. We do our best to make our own holiday traditions and spend time with family members (both sides) when we can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone else have very different expectations of what your family life would look like once you were grown and had your own kids?

I grew up with a very close knit family. It wasn’t huge - my parents each had one sibling and we had 2 cousins on each side, but we all spent a ton of time together (I have two siblings as well). There were weekly dinners, regular vacations, parties and get togethers. Us kids were all close in age and always had the best time together. Both of my grandmothers were matriarchs who really brought the family together.

Fast forward to today and we really have none of that. My siblings and I all live in different states, our parents don’t visit a ton and certainly don’t make much effort to bring the family together even for holidays. I married an only child whose parents are only children, and while we live closer to my in-laws there are no cousins or extended family at all really.

I am sad my children won’t have the loud, fun family filled childhood I had.

Yes, absolutely. I dont' want to go into details but, it has been very painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom “jokes” that I’m the matriarch. Even over my younger siblings. I don’t find it particularly funny that she’s managed to outsource all this emotional labor to me.

Similar situation here. My parents do nothing to facilitate relationships anymore. My siblings and I all live within 30 miles of each other and get together once a quarter, maybe. We all have very young children and we all work and getting everyone together at someone's house on the weekend is a lot of work for the host. Wish my parents stepped in and helped, but they have a weird relationship where my dad controls all of the money and my mom is passive and doesn't pushback, and my dad just doesn't care.

If you are all adults, than the baton has been passed to you and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Op, start planning the life you want. Do you enjoy your siblings and their kids? Make an effort. Travel to visit. The more everyone does it, the easier it is to maintain going forward.

And honestly, in our family the oldest cousin is 13 and I can see how childhood has FLOWN BY so fast. I am incredibly grateful we spend time with our cousins. Mainly because childhood is fleeting and you only have a few really terrific years after the hard core physical labor of infancy/toddlerhood and when they aren't interested in cousins anymore.

[Anonymous]

It is an enormous amount of work to have big lively family events. Try it. Maybe it suits you. If you are willing to have them all stay overnight in your home-even more family time there. If not, can everyone afford hotels?

I had some family events some people loved and missed when I stopped. I hated them. There was always some drama. It was a ton of work. Often I had to check in with people several times to find out if they were coming to make sure I had enough food. I rarely if ever even heard "thank you" verbally from anyone, but apparently when I stopped it was greatly missed, yet nobody wanted to try to host. I still don't miss it, nor do my kids.

[Anonymous]

I feel this so hard. I know we're all mobile and go where the jobs take us and that's a good thing in many ways, but so much has been lost in that.

[Anonymous]

I honestly feel if it is important than people find a way. The issues is that very few people feel these obligations are important. Myself included. I had a HUGE extended family growing up, so did my DH. We both HATED all of the family stuff all of the time. Sure, some memories were awesome, but i remember my mom stressing for days cooking and packing the car to drive to a relatives house. Staying in crappy motels over the holidays, one had no AC over the 4th of July. UGH.
I don't want that life at all. She did it becasue it was expected and I just don't think it is.
I see the family I want to see, I plan things with the family I want to plan things with and the rest I let go.
If it is important to you, try planning something, If no one seems interested there is your answer. If they do, well congratuationsl. Have fun hosting.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you need extended family. I had 3 kids and we have loud, wonderful holidays. I go all out on holidays. I host and grandparents show up.