Family dynamics not what I thought they would be

[Anonymous]

Did anyone else have very different expectations of what your family life would look like once you were grown and had your own kids?

I grew up with a very close knit family. It wasn’t huge - my parents each had one sibling and we had 2 cousins on each side, but we all spent a ton of time together (I have two siblings as well). There were weekly dinners, regular vacations, parties and get togethers. Us kids were all close in age and always had the best time together. Both of my grandmothers were matriarchs who really brought the family together.

Fast forward to today and we really have none of that. My siblings and I all live in different states, our parents don’t visit a ton and certainly don’t make much effort to bring the family together even for holidays. I married an only child whose parents are only children, and while we live closer to my in-laws there are no cousins or extended family at all really.

I am sad my children won’t have the loud, fun family filled childhood I had.

[Anonymous]

I never had any expectations, so... I'm not disappointed. All I wanted was kids. I only had my parents growing up, no aunts or uncles or grandparents. My entire family is scattered across the world and we hardly ever see each other. I'm glad I have my husband, my children and my friends here with me.

[Anonymous]

Yes, sort of. I have approximately 20 first-cousins on one parent’s side. I was born and raised in the same area as most of them, but some of them I’ve still never met and probably never will. My grandparents on that side were both deceased by my 4th birthday; had that not been the case, I think there would’ve been some awesome family gatherings at their house.

[Anonymous]

Can you become the family matriarch, OP? My MIL is still around and in good shape, but she’s never enjoyed hosting. We invite siblings and cousins for various holidays and vacations and have a lot of fun with whoever shows up.

[Anonymous]

I feel this so much, OP!! I grew up with my uncles nearby and cousins who were all very close in age to me and we saw each other all the time. On top of that, my parents truly had a village as part of their immigrant community, so they always had friends over or we were over at someone's house and were so busy!!

I have none of that - my family is not nearby (although my cousins and I are in touch and try to vacation together occasionally and I visit my parents and siblings once or twice a year and they visit me as much). I don't have a ton of friends here, definitely not included in that same community because I married outside of it, and my husband has one unmarried childless sibling, as does his mother, and the cousins on his dad's side are steps and much older.

I am also very, very sad about how my life has turned out in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Can totally relate. I try not to focus on it or dwell on it because I can't change it. Personally I think this is why Latinos in the US have some better health outcomes and indicators than whites in certain areas - because they have strong and big extended families.

[Anonymous]

It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.

NP. The above post is right. What you experienced, OP, was great at that time and good for you, but it's not replicable for you now, so rather than mourning what you can't have and can't give your kids---are you working at building a network of good friends where you've landed? If you spend too much mental energy on lamenting how your expectations aren't met or your kids won't have what you had, that is mental energy and time you could be using to take part in things locally, and at school, and join whatever matters to you and DH (a church, volunteer organizations, whatever you prefer). Your own kids may not ever have the cousins-all-pile-in-together sorts of vacations and holidays you had and wanted. But you can choose to let that be OK, or you can choose to let it make you sad and regretful.

And as someone else noted, you can take the role of host and inviter to all--but please don't do so while setting up new expectations that might not get met. Do it without expectations so you don't get disappointed again. Whoever comes, comes. All the siblings and all their kids etc. are not going to descend on you repeatedly, or someone else will want to host the year you said you planned to host, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Does life ever turn out the way we expect it to?

We did not live up to my in-laws expectations for what their life as grandparents would be like, but we made the choices that worked best for our family.

We facilitated a friend buying our neighbors house with expectations of our kids playing together as one big happy family. That did not pan out as we expected, especially after they divorced.

It's okay to be disappointed, but as others have stated, making the best of the situation you do have (which is what happened in both of my examples) or making a new plan to meet that expectation is the best way to move forward.

[Anonymous]

My mom “jokes” that I’m the matriarch. Even over my younger siblings. I don’t find it particularly funny that she’s managed to outsource all this emotional labor to me.

[Anonymous]

Why should your parents be making the effort? You and your siblings are the ones who moved away. That was a pretty clear signal that family ties aren’t actually all that important to you. If you want this dynamic, YOU volunteer to host holidays, even in your hometown if that is a central location that is easy to get to for many.

I don’t expect my mom to host my dad’s side of the family (and my dad doesn’t do anything like that), so when the spirit moves me to get my siblings and cousins and aunt on dad’s side of the family together, *I* clean my parents’ house, pay for a big pizza party, and clean up afterward. My siblings usually help a bit if they are around.

I invite my parents to visit a lot. It’s not a general “you’re welcome anytime,” it’s set dates that we work around. I also have worked out a rotation with my sister (who lives far away) for Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we celebrate with my parents and then our respective ILs in a rotation that doesn’t step on any toes. My brother lives pretty close to me and joins in our holidays.

Also, if you want loud big fun boisterous, you can always include friends in holidays, or have slightly offset holidays like Friendsgiving, or a big New Year’s party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should your parents be making the effort? You and your siblings are the ones who moved away. That was a pretty clear signal that family ties aren’t actually all that important to you. If you want this dynamic, YOU volunteer to host holidays, even in your hometown if that is a central location that is easy to get to for many.

I don’t expect my mom to host my dad’s side of the family (and my dad doesn’t do anything like that), so when the spirit moves me to get my siblings and cousins and aunt on dad’s side of the family together, *I* clean my parents’ house, pay for a big pizza party, and clean up afterward. My siblings usually help a bit if they are around.

I invite my parents to visit a lot. It’s not a general “you’re welcome anytime,” it’s set dates that we work around. I also have worked out a rotation with my sister (who lives far away) for Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we celebrate with my parents and then our respective ILs in a rotation that doesn’t step on any toes. My brother lives pretty close to me and joins in our holidays.

Also, if you want loud big fun boisterous, you can always include friends in holidays, or have slightly offset holidays like Friendsgiving, or a big New Year’s party.

^^^And I should note that I live 10 hours from my parents, so when I get a dad’s-side reunion together, it’s a big deal. My mom’s side more naturally gets together with a rotating group of aunts/uncles/cousins who are willing to host, or have people stay with them if a big clump comes out here to visit, for example. The point is; if you want to do something, make it happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom “jokes” that I’m the matriarch. Even over my younger siblings. I don’t find it particularly funny that she’s managed to outsource all this emotional labor to me.

Hmmm, how funny that it was your MOM’S emotional labor to “outsource,” and not your PARENTS. As in your dad probably has a phone and the same house as your mom, and could organize Bob Evans takeout to host people, yes? How interesting also that it was your MOM’S emotional labor to “outsource,” and not your entire sibling group once you realized she wasn’t up for that.

Mom doesn’t have to be Martha Stewart just because she is older and has a vagina. Her interests and the ways she chooses to spend her time lie elsewhere, and that is fine. So funny your dad got none of your derision, nor your other siblings.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that if you want it then you can try to make it happen. That said, your siblings may not have enjoyed it all as much as you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom “jokes” that I’m the matriarch. Even over my younger siblings. I don’t find it particularly funny that she’s managed to outsource all this emotional labor to me.

Hmmm, how funny that it was your MOM’S emotional labor to “outsource,” and not your PARENTS. As in your dad probably has a phone and the same house as your mom, and could organize Bob Evans takeout to host people, yes? How interesting also that it was your MOM’S emotional labor to “outsource,” and not your entire sibling group once you realized she wasn’t up for that.

Mom doesn’t have to be Martha Stewart just because she is older and has a vagina. Her interests and the ways she chooses to spend her time lie elsewhere, and that is fine. So funny your dad got none of your derision, nor your other siblings.

+1. Not only that, but did your parents create nice holidays for you growing up? If yes, then why do they "owe" you more cleaning, cooking, hosting, shopping, baking, decorating and logistics when you are a grown-ass adult?