ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I should have added - we follow the same routine every single day down to about the minute with many cushions of time built into the schedule.

7:30-7:45 wake-up and use the bathroom
7:50-8:40 breakfast (plenty of time for her to focus and eat)
8:40-8:50 bathroom (pooping time and brushing teeth)
8:50-9:00 get dressed and hair combed (clothes are laid out for her)
9:00-9:10 get shoes and socks and coat on (all laid out for her)
9:10-9:15 walk out the door (we get her lunch and backpack, she just has to walk to the car)

We have a visual schedule for her. We have used sand timers and phone timers since she was in preschool. She hates them and throws the sand timers or flips them. Phone timers she ignores or just asks for more time when they run out. Or she gets upset and starts crying “no timer no timer!” When we put it out and it becomes a fight/distraction and not a tool.

She’s in weekly therapy and the therapist is working on listening and following directions.

I am ADHD myself and have had to figure out how to survive with no diagnosis til I was 33 and no medication. My mom gave up on me when I was young and just let me nearly miss the bus most days. She didn’t ever break tasks down or help me move from one activity to the other.

Our mornings are not us just yelling at yer. They are a series of us kindly saying, Larla, it’s time to get out of bed. Larla, please go use the bathroom and wash your hands, Larla,
Please go to your room and take your Pajamas off and put on your clothes. We walk with her through every activity. We give warnings repeatedly for everything - you have 5 minutes left to finish breakfast, you have 2 minutes left for breakfast, ok now breakfast is over and it’s time to go to the bathroom. She is only left alone to poop and if she skin picks when the door is closed the door is then left open, she loses her privacy, and we cover her wounds with bandaids so she can’t pick them.

She doesn’t care about rules. It does not matter if we say, no toys at the the table or in the car. She has no respect for what we tell her to do if it opposes what she wants. If we take away privileges as a punishment she just screams and flips out and has an epic meltdown that can take 20 minutes to get her to reset.

She doesn’t get out of bed often in the mornings because she doesn’t want to. She had an appropriate bedtime. She often takes 30-45 minutes or more to fall asleep. If we give her melatonin she has emotional outbursts the next day so we don’t use it anymore.

We aren’t just some a home parents screaming at our kids. We are providing extensive scaffolding, support, etc. and she just won’t comply. If we move her through activities she doesn’t want to do she hurts is because she’s 45 pounds now and big enough to do damage.

omg this is one hour and 45 min of getting ready in the morning! That is seriously wild. I'd want to throw the timers too. I don't think 6 year olds can follow timers.

Get yourself completely ready. Then go get her. Breakfast is too long and maybe she's just not hungry. Pack a bigger lunch. You need to cut this whole thing down to 30 min tops. Stop arguing with her because it's not working. Just calmly dress her. If she tries to tantrum or hit you, just hold her hands and keep on dressing her. Tantrums mean she gets carried to the car and handed breakfast in her car seat. Epic meltdowns are fine, just keep carrying on with the routine and don't feed the tantrum or acknowledge it.

But she is hungry because she doesn’t eat lunch every day. Literally she will maybe eat half of one nugget or drink some slurps of her milk and the rest of the lunch I stayed up preparing is untouched. She eats it after school often in the car on the way home.

If I am calm and force her to get dressed she will fight me. She’s nearly broken my glasses. I’ve been hit and punched in the stomach. She’s old enough to do damage and she’s too old to force.

What are you looking for? You know what you need to do. Why you would let your kid and your family suffer so much is a mystery.

[Anonymous]

My kiddo could care less about food. It is an inconvenience from which they derive no pleasure. That said, when truly hungry, they will eat.

[Anonymous]

If she is punching you in the stomach sounds like you have bigger fish to fry

[Anonymous]

At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I don't think OP is a troll but I think she thinks she knows best. Listen OP, we've been there, done that. Bought the tshirt. We wear the scars.

Again, I'd be SHOCKED if adhd was the only dx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I don't think OP is a troll but I think she thinks she knows best. Listen OP, we've been there, done that. Bought the tshirt. We wear the scars.

Again, I'd be SHOCKED if adhd was the only dx.

That or she's the type who wants to martyr herself so that everyone knows she has the hardest job and the most difficult kid. Even though there are things that would help. But some people don't actually want to make it better, they just want all the sympathy and hair pats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).

Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.

She gets upward of 10 hours a day.

so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).

Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.

She gets upward of 10 hours a day.

so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.

Bedtime is 8:30 but she can take until 9:00 or 9:30 to be asleep. She often picks her skin or just tosses and turns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

Just the ADD panel was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

Just the ADD panel was done.

Who did you see for the ADD panel? What type of professional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She literally eats nothing at school most days. Often doesn’t drink water. So she will go an entire school day without eating so we serve a massive breakfast to remedy that. Her weight gain is not great. She gets cereal, hot eggs/pancakes, sausage, etc. A very full meal. If we just do cereal or something sugary she will be melting down after school so it’s protein heavy.

I see why you are serving protein but could you find a school-based solution so as to avoid the massive breakfast?

She’s a picky eater. Will refuse any food that isn’t home prepared.

Ok OP. In that case I would suggest:
1. call your pediatrician to ask about medication - look up Russell Barkley on the effects of medication
2. a therapist mainly to work with you and your partner
3. a pediatric gastroenterologist to walk you through how to break this crazy food pattern
4. a parenting class (start with Dan Shapiro's Parent Child Journey)
5. seriously consider how to get more than 10 hours of sleep in per night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

Doesn’t matter what her diagnosis is, you need to change your parenting style and expectations immediately or she is only going to get worse as she gets older and you won’t be able to handle her at all and you’ll be asking about residential placement.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this same post. Also an ADHD mom here. Also losing it on a regular basis on our kid who just can't get out of the door. Also have tried so so so many different things with no success. We are late to school 90% of the time with everyone feeling upset and it's an awful way to start the day.

I learned about pathological demand avoidance recently and it sounds so much like our kid. Read up on it.

No real tips but you are not alone. It's so very hard. Hopefully we can both find some things that work well for our families.