How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

We all will support our kids because of chatGPT.

[Anonymous]

Yep, my friend readily admits in-laws purchased their home, pay for kids private school tuition, take them on annual vacations abroad, pay for kids summer camps, plan to pay for kids college, give them weekly $ for dinners out, and even let them use their Netllix/Apple TV passwords, etc. My friend is a SAHM and husband is a fed. There is no way they could afford their lifestyle on their income alone. I think there are a lot of families in the DMV like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t really bother me. PP wants to spend their money traveling, but maybe someone else wants to spend their money helping their kids out.

As OP points out it’s expensive to have kids and I’m certainly not going to say there’s anything better about using money to travel vs using it to help kids support grandkids. And holding onto the money until someone dies just to make a point seems like the worst idea of all.

+1 exactly for many parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my friend readily admits in-laws purchased their home, pay for kids private school tuition, take them on annual vacations abroad, pay for kids summer camps, plan to pay for kids college, give them weekly $ for dinners out, and even let them use their Netllix/Apple TV passwords, etc. My friend is a SAHM and husband is a fed. There is no way they could afford their lifestyle on their income alone. I think there are a lot of families in the DMV like this.

I would feel "owned" if my parents did this. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

I'm not the OP, but am approaching this moment. The inverse is that we didn't have to do this with my parents who had a fraction of the wealth of my ILs. My parents lived modestly and spent their last few years living in nursing homes on Medicaid. They didn't want to be a burden to their children. The minimal amount of money we spent on them is a fraction of what we may end up spending on my ILs, who had millions. Their trips and FL winter rentals over 30 years were not ostentatious, but they appear to have spent too much. My ILs clearly miscalculated on how much would be needed once one or both of them may need to enter a continuing care retirement community. They are still living in their own home, but one of them is in cognitive decline with occasional bodily mishaps. While they are fortunate to be living on one-level, IDK how much longer that will be sustainable in their home. I'm not sure DH fully grasps the costs of these communities.

I know it is not flattering that I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of spending our savings here. Our kids' full college expenses are covered, so that is not at risk. What kind of retirement we have and what we are able to give to charities and leave our children would be affected by any outlays. My MiL used to brag on "taking" her money with her. Well, now it looks like that and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my friend readily admits in-laws purchased their home, pay for kids private school tuition, take them on annual vacations abroad, pay for kids summer camps, plan to pay for kids college, give them weekly $ for dinners out, and even let them use their Netllix/Apple TV passwords, etc. My friend is a SAHM and husband is a fed. There is no way they could afford their lifestyle on their income alone. I think there are a lot of families in the DMV like this.

I would feel "owned" if my parents did this. No thanks.

IDK if I would feel "owned" if I were ever in that situation as my parents just didn't have that kind of (any) money. Concur that there are a lot of similar families in the DMV. Some are open about it while others seem unaware that their parents are basically providing the equivalent of a two-income household. AU Park is filled with these families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

Yes, we send them quite a bit and feel it.

Do they economize in any way? My parents worked hard their entire lives and had four children, including one with a developmental disability who lived at home until their early 50s. One can't squeeze a lawyer's salary out of a mechanic's paycheck. They were never extravagant and this may have made it easier for DH, though I don't know. He liked them and was a great SiL. We didn't have to spend a lot and it came during a time when our expenses were manageable (no longer in childcare, etc).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

I'm not the OP, but am approaching this moment. The inverse is that we didn't have to do this with my parents who had a fraction of the wealth of my ILs. My parents lived modestly and spent their last few years living in nursing homes on Medicaid. They didn't want to be a burden to their children. The minimal amount of money we spent on them is a fraction of what we may end up spending on my ILs, who had millions. Their trips and FL winter rentals over 30 years were not ostentatious, but they appear to have spent too much. My ILs clearly miscalculated on how much would be needed once one or both of them may need to enter a continuing care retirement community. They are still living in their own home, but one of them is in cognitive decline with occasional bodily mishaps. While they are fortunate to be living on one-level, IDK how much longer that will be sustainable in their home. I'm not sure DH fully grasps the costs of these communities.

I know it is not flattering that I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of spending our savings here. Our kids' full college expenses are covered, so that is not at risk. What kind of retirement we have and what we are able to give to charities and leave our children would be affected by any outlays. My MiL used to brag on "taking" her money with her. Well, now it looks like that and then some.

PP here. Similar. My FIL golfs all winter long, but DH insists on paying his mortgage AND paying for his long vacation to a sunny place every year, and our kids' college funds are not done. We are fine in that we make a lot of money and we are on track to have our kids' college fully funded, but we're not there yet. We also have a mortgage and DH has a car payment. The situation is very frustrating to me, but I try to focus on what I can control. My own parents, who are enjoying their retirement, have also set a side a lot of money for their end of life care and have gone over it with all us kids, so the contrast between families is stark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

I'm not the OP, but am approaching this moment. The inverse is that we didn't have to do this with my parents who had a fraction of the wealth of my ILs. My parents lived modestly and spent their last few years living in nursing homes on Medicaid. They didn't want to be a burden to their children. The minimal amount of money we spent on them is a fraction of what we may end up spending on my ILs, who had millions. Their trips and FL winter rentals over 30 years were not ostentatious, but they appear to have spent too much. My ILs clearly miscalculated on how much would be needed once one or both of them may need to enter a continuing care retirement community. They are still living in their own home, but one of them is in cognitive decline with occasional bodily mishaps. While they are fortunate to be living on one-level, IDK how much longer that will be sustainable in their home. I'm not sure DH fully grasps the costs of these communities.

I know it is not flattering that I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of spending our savings here. Our kids' full college expenses are covered, so that is not at risk. What kind of retirement we have and what we are able to give to charities and leave our children would be affected by any outlays. My MiL used to brag on "taking" her money with her. Well, now it looks like that and then some.

PP here. Similar. My FIL golfs all winter long, but DH insists on paying his mortgage AND paying for his long vacation to a sunny place every year, and our kids' college funds are not done. We are fine in that we make a lot of money and we are on track to have our kids' college fully funded, but we're not there yet. We also have a mortgage and DH has a car payment. The situation is very frustrating to me, but I try to focus on what I can control. My own parents, who are enjoying their retirement, have also set a side a lot of money for their end of life care and have gone over it with all us kids, so the contrast between families is stark.

Did the FiL help your DH when he was coming up? I might not begrudge if FiL was golfing at public courses and living in a modest apartment inland in Florida. But I would find it harder if that were not the case. Perhaps this mortgage property will end up being an investment to sell after your FiL passes. I'm the PP and I don't see how I can really object if we end up in this scenario as I know DH would have done it in heart beat for my parents. I worked hard to ensure that really never came to pass as a large monthly nut would have really taken its toll over time. But he always said, "don't worry - we can take care of this," which was such a relief to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

I'm not the OP, but am approaching this moment. The inverse is that we didn't have to do this with my parents who had a fraction of the wealth of my ILs. My parents lived modestly and spent their last few years living in nursing homes on Medicaid. They didn't want to be a burden to their children. The minimal amount of money we spent on them is a fraction of what we may end up spending on my ILs, who had millions. Their trips and FL winter rentals over 30 years were not ostentatious, but they appear to have spent too much. My ILs clearly miscalculated on how much would be needed once one or both of them may need to enter a continuing care retirement community. They are still living in their own home, but one of them is in cognitive decline with occasional bodily mishaps. While they are fortunate to be living on one-level, IDK how much longer that will be sustainable in their home. I'm not sure DH fully grasps the costs of these communities.

I know it is not flattering that I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of spending our savings here. Our kids' full college expenses are covered, so that is not at risk. What kind of retirement we have and what we are able to give to charities and leave our children would be affected by any outlays. My MiL used to brag on "taking" her money with her. Well, now it looks like that and then some.

PP here. Similar. My FIL golfs all winter long, but DH insists on paying his mortgage AND paying for his long vacation to a sunny place every year, and our kids' college funds are not done. We are fine in that we make a lot of money and we are on track to have our kids' college fully funded, but we're not there yet. We also have a mortgage and DH has a car payment. The situation is very frustrating to me, but I try to focus on what I can control. My own parents, who are enjoying their retirement, have also set a side a lot of money for their end of life care and have gone over it with all us kids, so the contrast between families is stark.

Did the FiL help your DH when he was coming up? I might not begrudge if FiL was golfing at public courses and living in a modest apartment inland in Florida. But I would find it harder if that were not the case. Perhaps this mortgage property will end up being an investment to sell after your FiL passes. I'm the PP and I don't see how I can really object if we end up in this scenario as I know DH would have done it in heart beat for my parents. I worked hard to ensure that really never came to pass as a large monthly nut would have really taken its toll over time. But he always said, "don't worry - we can take care of this," which was such a relief to hear.

Sure, FIL helped raise DH. That doesn't help me get passed how I feel. A big part of it is that we are "middle aged" and deep into raising our young kids and we both work big jobs that involve late nights and DH travels quite a bit, so I haven't found a way to feel good about paying for FIL to golf in Florida at our cost while we work a ton and raise our young kids, which is wonderful but also taxing. We have a lot of financial obligations, like child care, a mortgage, DH's car payment, saving for college, saving for our own retirement. Paying for ILs retirement just feels crappy.

[Anonymous]

but I try to focus on what I can control.

you can. Tell your husband no dice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this. It starts by talking to them when they're young.
Figure it out yourself because Dad and I are traveling the world with the money we have now that we're not supporting children at home. And don't have any kids yourself if you can't afford it.

This is what my parents did. I guess they are wealthy - they have two homes, travel a lot and ski 50+ days a year. It never occurred to me to begrudge them for enjoying their retirement, nor did I ever feel entitled to gifts from them. I'm just glad we don't have to send them any money like we do my in-laws. The outflow to parents stinks. I have no intention of supporting my children after they are 22/done with college; however, if we were filthy rich, I could see sending them $17k per year because it makes sense from an estate planning perspective. However, it is not something I spend any time thinking about or aspiring to do.

You have to send your in laws money?

I'm not the OP, but am approaching this moment. The inverse is that we didn't have to do this with my parents who had a fraction of the wealth of my ILs. My parents lived modestly and spent their last few years living in nursing homes on Medicaid. They didn't want to be a burden to their children. The minimal amount of money we spent on them is a fraction of what we may end up spending on my ILs, who had millions. Their trips and FL winter rentals over 30 years were not ostentatious, but they appear to have spent too much. My ILs clearly miscalculated on how much would be needed once one or both of them may need to enter a continuing care retirement community. They are still living in their own home, but one of them is in cognitive decline with occasional bodily mishaps. While they are fortunate to be living on one-level, IDK how much longer that will be sustainable in their home. I'm not sure DH fully grasps the costs of these communities.

I know it is not flattering that I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of spending our savings here. Our kids' full college expenses are covered, so that is not at risk. What kind of retirement we have and what we are able to give to charities and leave our children would be affected by any outlays. My MiL used to brag on "taking" her money with her. Well, now it looks like that and then some.

PP here. Similar. My FIL golfs all winter long, but DH insists on paying his mortgage AND paying for his long vacation to a sunny place every year, and our kids' college funds are not done. We are fine in that we make a lot of money and we are on track to have our kids' college fully funded, but we're not there yet. We also have a mortgage and DH has a car payment. The situation is very frustrating to me, but I try to focus on what I can control. My own parents, who are enjoying their retirement, have also set a side a lot of money for their end of life care and have gone over it with all us kids, so the contrast between families is stark.

Did the FiL help your DH when he was coming up? I might not begrudge if FiL was golfing at public courses and living in a modest apartment inland in Florida. But I would find it harder if that were not the case. Perhaps this mortgage property will end up being an investment to sell after your FiL passes. I'm the PP and I don't see how I can really object if we end up in this scenario as I know DH would have done it in heart beat for my parents. I worked hard to ensure that really never came to pass as a large monthly nut would have really taken its toll over time. But he always said, "don't worry - we can take care of this," which was such a relief to hear.

Sure, FIL helped raise DH. That doesn't help me get passed how I feel. A big part of it is that we are "middle aged" and deep into raising our young kids and we both work big jobs that involve late nights and DH travels quite a bit, so I haven't found a way to feel good about paying for FIL to golf in Florida at our cost while we work a ton and raise our young kids, which is wonderful but also taxing. We have a lot of financial obligations, like child care, a mortgage, DH's car payment, saving for college, saving for our own retirement. Paying for ILs retirement just feels crappy.

I should have been more specific about "help" - my parents put pretty much everything into raising us, often at their expense as they had little money. I'm able to live the life I do now largely because of my parents - most of my peers didn't go onto college but our parents supported our ambition to do so (along with a lot of federal student aid/loans). Even just encouraging us was definitely at odds with the rest of the neighborhood.

If that were the case with your FiL, I can see why DH may be willing to do this. I think that's why it made it easier for DH to offer to do similarly with my parents, though we never had to face my parents living their best life in FL. They remained in their home town in their small home with minimal treats (I'm talking about going out for ice cream on a summer night) until they were no longer able to live there on their own.

I hope your situation is able to change and that you are able to feel less crappy about it.

[Anonymous]

I have friends whose parents pay for kids tuition, college funds, fronted house down payment, etc. I'm incredibly jealous because I feel like these types of people must have no worries in life. That may not be entirely true but, man, when you have no financial worries what else is there??

A friend told me that she would rather share her wealth with children while she was living rather than have them count the days until her death. The idea being it'd be better (and more financially advantageous) to spend together.

I totally understand that. Wish it were me!

[Anonymous]

Apparently I'm like a lot of people who posted here. My parents gave us a sizeable sum towards a down payment, make annual gifts to me and my kids, pay for private school tuition, vacations when we travel with them, and have so purchased us cars (my dad likes to buy cars). DH and I both work, although I'm in the non-profit field. We couldn't afford our lifestyle on what we make although it's not like we're useless, helpless people. I realize we're lucky. And I think it's sometimes awkward for my DH to get so much money from his ILs.

[Anonymous]

My favorite example of intergenerational help is at a club we belong to that is quite expense both to join and in dues. The parents cover their kids' membership, which gives them a ton of great family bonding time with their kids and grandkids. I love this idea of sharing a luxury with my kids someday but not creating a codependent relationship with them otherwise.