If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

I think he has secondary depression from ADHD. He needs a stimulant, not an ssri--which is probably killing his libido and one of the reasons he's spending more time on the phone. I'm a little evangelic about this bc I just got diagnosed and started meds (at age 38) and it's been life-changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he consider being evaluated for adhd? Depression? Seems like something might be getting in the way of his ability to complete tasks.

OP. He is medicated for depression and sees a therapist. I don’t know if he has ADHD. But honestly most of it, to me, is that he just doesn’t care. He sleeps a lot and watches sports a lot. He’s just…lazy.

Not making excuses for your husband at all, but that’s exactly the way ADHD can appear when untreated, and a lot of times ADHD and anxiety/depression go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he has secondary depression from ADHD. He needs a stimulant, not an ssri--which is probably killing his libido and one of the reasons he's spending more time on the phone. I'm a little evangelic about this bc I just got diagnosed and started meds (at age 38) and it's been life-changing.

If he is diagnosed, he can easily take and benefit from both and many people do.

[Anonymous]

I would support him in the job. If you don’t, he could resent you for it the rest of his life. He isn’t helping now anyway. If he takes this job, at least he will be working instead of napping. It might make you both less resentful.

Also, friend, you need to step it up and take care of your house and children. Your kids shouldn’t grow up in a house where they have to eat in a dirty kitchen or shower after they poop because their parents are engaged in some kind of passive aggressive battle of wills and neither of them wants to be the first to break and clean the kitchen or buy the toilet paper.
Get rid of the Fair Play cards. They aren’t helping. Figure out systems to get things done around your house without his help. He isn’t going to help. And be nice. Act how you want your kids’ spouses to treat them. It takes two people to have a screaming match. Stop your part.

I realize that it sounds like you will be falling into old fashioned gender roles where he is at work all of the time and you are taking care of everything at home, and that feels like you failed in some way, but you have to do what works for your family, and what you are doing now isn’t working for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would support him in the job. If you don’t, he could resent you for it the rest of his life. He isn’t helping now anyway. If he takes this job, at least he will be working instead of napping. It might make you both less resentful.

Also, friend, you need to step it up and take care of your house and children. Your kids shouldn’t grow up in a house where they have to eat in a dirty kitchen or shower after they poop because their parents are engaged in some kind of passive aggressive battle of wills and neither of them wants to be the first to break and clean the kitchen or buy the toilet paper.
Get rid of the Fair Play cards. They aren’t helping. Figure out systems to get things done around your house without his help. He isn’t going to help. And be nice. Act how you want your kids’ spouses to treat them. It takes two people to have a screaming match. Stop your part.

I realize that it sounds like you will be falling into old fashioned gender roles where he is at work all of the time and you are taking care of everything at home, and that feels like you failed in some way, but you have to do what works for your family, and what you are doing now isn’t working for anyone.

I agree with all this with the caveat that the fact that you begin this path of action now does NOT mean you stay in the marriage. You can do all of this while you take some time to see if you can convince him to be evaluated for ADHD and eventually to be treated if needed; see if there is a shift in behavior when he gets the job; see if you find it easier when you hire help and lastly, see if you prefer to get divorced. Good luck, OP! This sounds like a lot.

[Anonymous]

I would get rid of this entire man. Unless he is a danger to your children, getting rid of him means he’s doing 50% of the childcare and you’re getting 50% of your life back, and doing 0% of his dishes or “coming up short on bills” nonsense.

[Anonymous]

You need to push the ADHD diagnosis. At the very least, it needs to be ruled out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and stop expecting your husband to change. As you say, he does not care. You can’t change him and he is not motivated to do anything differently. I’m sorry.

This is HOW to stay with him…but WHY would she want to?

This guy would hold no appeal to me (playing games on his phone all night??!!)

I would start exploring divorce. You have tried. He is not mature or responsible.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are the jerk. Why are you treating him like a child. Fair play cards? Just buy some TP from costco delivery when you are running low.Also, sounds like he has ADD, would he agree to get an eval and go on meds if you support him in this new role?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he has secondary depression from ADHD. He needs a stimulant, not an ssri--which is probably killing his libido and one of the reasons he's spending more time on the phone. I'm a little evangelic about this bc I just got diagnosed and started meds (at age 38) and it's been life-changing.

If he is diagnosed, he can easily take and benefit from both and many people do.

Sure, but for many, including me, the stimulants are actually mood stabilizing without a lot of the side effects off ssri. The SSRI doesn't sound like it's doing much for him anyway but they're easier for doctors to prescribe than stimulants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.

But you know he does nothing. Why did you not have TP delivered? Why do you keep wasting precious time and energy on charts and cards that cannot fix his fundamental selfish laziness? He understands that it is not fair, he is not willing to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.

But you know he does nothing. Why did you not have TP delivered? Why do you keep wasting precious time and energy on charts and cards that cannot fix his fundamental selfish laziness? He understands that it is not fair, he is not willing to change.

Yep, he's not changing.

He doesn't help at home, he's apparently bad at his job but expects OP to support him in a job venture he's clearly going to fail at? Then he screams and destroys things.

Seriously why are you with this guy? He's such a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.

But you know he does nothing. Why did you not have TP delivered? Why do you keep wasting precious time and energy on charts and cards that cannot fix his fundamental selfish laziness? He understands that it is not fair, he is not willing to change.

He said he wanted to take on restocking home supplies. I had no idea we were out until it was literally all gone. Obviously now I have to take back that job, too.

The issue is he’s angry I’m not supporting him in this job. I don’t support him, because I know the little he does do will also be dropped. Why should I be excited for him? I don’t think it’s wrong for me to point out he can barely manage as it is, he’s not going to be able to manage when his workload doubles.

Also, I can’t afford to have things delivered. I am on a shoestring budget as it is because he can’t manage his money.

[Anonymous]

It kills us to admit that many men feel this way. They see the existential task that makes them good partners as their ability to contribute financially. It doesn't matter if their wives contribute as much or more. Earning a paycheck means that they are worthy. The ugly truth is that many men feel this way but cannot overtly make their wives into domestic servants. Just think about how many households in which the woman does more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.

But you know he does nothing. Why did you not have TP delivered? Why do you keep wasting precious time and energy on charts and cards that cannot fix his fundamental selfish laziness? He understands that it is not fair, he is not willing to change.

He said he wanted to take on restocking home supplies. I had no idea we were out until it was literally all gone. Obviously now I have to take back that job, too.

The issue is he’s angry I’m not supporting him in this job. I don’t support him, because I know the little he does do will also be dropped. Why should I be excited for him? I don’t think it’s wrong for me to point out he can barely manage as it is, he’s not going to be able to manage when his workload doubles.

Also, I can’t afford to have things delivered. I am on a shoestring budget as it is because he can’t manage his money.

I bet you would have more money if you divorced this guy. And you wouldn’t have to clean up after him.