Anyone else’s teen have nobody to eat lunch with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

Does your DS understand social cues and is able to navigate social situations? Does he have good social skills? Does he have varied interests? If yes to all of these then he’s probably not on the spectrum and maybe an extreme introvert or social anxiety.

Thanks for those ideas. I guess I’m not sure. DS comes off perfectly normally in social situations, just quiet. He does have varied interests and is a good student involved in school activities. He had a small but nice friend group through middle school but they sort of drifted during Covid, a few moved, etc and he’s never found a group in HS. He talks to kids in classes and so on but has no real friends at the moment. What I find odd is that it doesn’t seem to bother him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

Does your DS understand social cues and is able to navigate social situations? Does he have good social skills? Does he have varied interests? If yes to all of these then he’s probably not on the spectrum and maybe an extreme introvert or social anxiety.

Thanks for those ideas. I guess I’m not sure. DS comes off perfectly normally in social situations, just quiet. He does have varied interests and is a good student involved in school activities. He had a small but nice friend group through middle school but they sort of drifted during Covid, a few moved, etc and he’s never found a group in HS. He talks to kids in classes and so on but has no real friends at the moment. What I find odd is that it doesn’t seem to bother him.

This doesn’t sound like a huge problem to me. Definitely not a kid on the spectrum. He might just be a bit of a loner but if he’s happy, involved in activities and has good social skills I wouldn’t worry.

[Anonymous]

Does she have friends in other contexts? Does she try to make conversation? My son has a friend that he sees outside of school at an activity, but gave up on having lunch with him. He said that when he tried to make conversation at lunch, the boy gave him one word answers and never asked him questions about himself. He got frustrated with the situation, and decided to target other nerdy kids (like himself) to sit with instead.

[Anonymous]

If she goes into the bathroom, she will likely find others eating their lunches without company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

Does your DS understand social cues and is able to navigate social situations? Does he have good social skills? Does he have varied interests? If yes to all of these then he’s probably not on the spectrum and maybe an extreme introvert or social anxiety.

Thanks for those ideas. I guess I’m not sure. DS comes off perfectly normally in social situations, just quiet. He does have varied interests and is a good student involved in school activities. He had a small but nice friend group through middle school but they sort of drifted during Covid, a few moved, etc and he’s never found a group in HS. He talks to kids in classes and so on but has no real friends at the moment. What I find odd is that it doesn’t seem to bother him.

My son is exactly the same, he is a senior but otherwise everything you wrote is true of him, too. When I have expressed concern about him to friends they nicely say the same as a poster did, that so ling as my son is happy/fine, what is the issue. But I wonder whether I would be able to tell if my son really is “happy” - maybe he just has a thick shell or keeps all of his emotions inside - and also he misses out on so much (attebding school events, going to the movies, having others to share about the day to day in hs) since he doesn’t have friends to social with.

[Anonymous]

I have a shy kid who wants to be social. In my experience there are three interrelated areas to address:


-social skills that really get into how to approach someone and then how to deepen the relationship once you are at the point of exchanging pleasantries. My daughter was new to our district. She had a few girls who she kind of tagged along with because they all walked home to the same neighborhood. Then she became more accepted in the group but she still didn't know how to move things forward and needed some explicit coaching

-correcting cognitive distortions/wrong thinking-she needs strategies to talk herself down from thoughts like "I am the only person with no friends" or "the reason I don't have anyone to sit with is that they all think I'm a loser." Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with this.

-understanding that all relationships involve risk, so it can feel really vulnerable to ask to sit with someone or start a conversation, and it could end up badly, but if you want friends you gotta do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your replies. DD does have social anxiety and we’re working on it but at this time she really only has acquaintances at school. She did have a very close friend who totally dumped her and that was a blow to her confidence. Perhaps because she’s so quiet/awkward, kids don’t naturally gravitate toward her or include her.

She does go to clubs when she can but she said people come with their friends and she does not try to break into their conversation; she might talk to some kids but it doesn’t seem to jump-start a friendship, maybe because most clubs only meet once a week, or more commonly every other week. She did do stage crew but did not make friends, so maybe it’s her. I’ve actually wondered if she’s very mildly on the spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make friends.

The counselor is aware because sometimes she will eat in an empty room in the counseling office but there are no lunch groups for similar kids so they don’t really have anything to offer. DD really feels like she’s the only one going through this, but that can’t be true.

She has asked to change schools, but if the problem is her, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s really hard to gauge what’s going on. Don’t most kids have at least a friend or two?

She is not the only one. A lot of kids struggle socially, so they are all looking out for themselves versus looking to see if other people need pulled in. I think masking made it worse for shy kids, because it made it harder to hear everyone and see facial expressions. Perhaps encourage her to eat lunch in the cafeteria and really take a good look around. Are there kids alone, quiet kids? Are there kids that seem harmless that she could sit near? Or have her bring a book, so she can read, and other kids could approach her.

Changing schools is drastic, but, if she is being iced out on purpose, it coukd make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

Does your DS understand social cues and is able to navigate social situations? Does he have good social skills? Does he have varied interests? If yes to all of these then he’s probably not on the spectrum and maybe an extreme introvert or social anxiety.

Thanks for those ideas. I guess I’m not sure. DS comes off perfectly normally in social situations, just quiet. He does have varied interests and is a good student involved in school activities. He had a small but nice friend group through middle school but they sort of drifted during Covid, a few moved, etc and he’s never found a group in HS. He talks to kids in classes and so on but has no real friends at the moment. What I find odd is that it doesn’t seem to bother him.

My son is exactly the same, he is a senior but otherwise everything you wrote is true of him, too. When I have expressed concern about him to friends they nicely say the same as a poster did, that so ling as my son is happy/fine, what is the issue. But I wonder whether I would be able to tell if my son really is “happy” - maybe he just has a thick shell or keeps all of his emotions inside - and also he misses out on so much (attebding school events, going to the movies, having others to share about the day to day in hs) since he doesn’t have friends to social with.

Interesting, I’m the PP and maybe it’s not that uncommon especially for boys. I think one of the issues with my DS is that we are a close and happy family and that’s great, but I think we sort of meet his social needs. He’s happy to hang out with us. He probably had social anxiety but it doesn’t seem to bother him so it makes it hard to get help for it. Like,he’d be totally out off if I suggested therapy gir something he doesn’t perceive as a problem. I’ve tried to talk to him about the fact that when he goes to college he’s going to want to build relationships because we won’t be there. I’m hoping he finds his people in college.

[Anonymous]

Which school system is this?

My kids attend MCPS high schools, two different ones, and they eat in classrooms.

[Anonymous]

My HS junior DS has friends to sit with, but he prefers to go to the band room and practice his instrument. Does she have any interest like that she could do during lunch? Art, music, reading or writing in the library?

As a high schooler I volunteer to work in the library over lunch. I don’t seem to remember it being because I didn’t have friends, I think I just thought it was cool. Let her think outside of the box maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD finds a teacher’s room and just kind of hides during lunch, because she’s so self-conscious about not having anyone to eat with. She said that everywhere she looks, there are groups of kids talking, laughing and having fun. She doesn’t notice anyone sitting all alone like her - she said everyone else seems to have at least one or two friends, even the unpopular kids. It’s so heartbreaking.

Hugs, OP.

Does she at least have friends on social media to turn to ?

[Anonymous]

The boys who eat alone at DC's school are on their Chromebooks. Maybe she can look for someone reading or on their Chromebooks and ask if she can sit with them?

[Anonymous]

What is her class before lunch? Can she ask someone in that class if she can sit with them?

DD tended to walk to lunch with the kids in the period before and sit with them when she was struggling to find people to eat with. Now that it's later in the year her group sits in a specific spot every lunch period so they are easier to find.

[Anonymous]

My DD went through this phase and it was heartbreaking. Talking to a counselor will definitely help. Try setting up some hangouts or playdates

[Anonymous]

My DD went through this phase and it was heartbreaking. Talking to a counselor will definitely help. Try setting up some hangouts or playdates

This is a reasonable suggestion for a tween, but if OP's child is a teen, they are likely too old for mom to do this for them.