Anyone else’s teen have nobody to eat lunch with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your replies. DD does have social anxiety and we’re working on it but at this time she really only has acquaintances at school. She did have a very close friend who totally dumped her and that was a blow to her confidence. Perhaps because she’s so quiet/awkward, kids don’t naturally gravitate toward her or include her.

She does go to clubs when she can but she said people come with their friends and she does not try to break into their conversation; she might talk to some kids but it doesn’t seem to jump-start a friendship, maybe because most clubs only meet once a week, or more commonly every other week. She did do stage crew but did not make friends, so maybe it’s her. I’ve actually wondered if she’s very mildly on the spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make friends.

The counselor is aware because sometimes she will eat in an empty room in the counseling office but there are no lunch groups for similar kids so they don’t really have anything to offer. DD really feels like she’s the only one going through this, but that can’t be true.

She has asked to change schools, but if the problem is her, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s really hard to gauge what’s going on. Don’t most kids have at least a friend or two?

How old is she and has she had friends in the past? Did she have friends in elementary or early middle (is this a new problem from this year) or has she never had friends?

[Anonymous]

She needs to read a book (ideally about a subject she likes) or do an activity that she likes (art or craft etc). Other kids will notice and join her if they’re into similar things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your replies. DD does have social anxiety and we’re working on it but at this time she really only has acquaintances at school. She did have a very close friend who totally dumped her and that was a blow to her confidence. Perhaps because she’s so quiet/awkward, kids don’t naturally gravitate toward her or include her.

She does go to clubs when she can but she said people come with their friends and she does not try to break into their conversation; she might talk to some kids but it doesn’t seem to jump-start a friendship, maybe because most clubs only meet once a week, or more commonly every other week. She did do stage crew but did not make friends, so maybe it’s her. I’ve actually wondered if she’s very mildly on the spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make friends.

The counselor is aware because sometimes she will eat in an empty room in the counseling office but there are no lunch groups for similar kids so they don’t really have anything to offer. DD really feels like she’s the only one going through this, but that can’t be true.

She has asked to change schools, but if the problem is her, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s really hard to gauge what’s going on. Don’t most kids have at least a friend or two?

Have you tried meds for her anxiety? Don’t underestimate how hard this is on her and potnential long term self esteem issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all your replies. DD does have social anxiety and we’re working on it but at this time she really only has acquaintances at school. She did have a very close friend who totally dumped her and that was a blow to her confidence. Perhaps because she’s so quiet/awkward, kids don’t naturally gravitate toward her or include her.

She does go to clubs when she can but she said people come with their friends and she does not try to break into their conversation; she might talk to some kids but it doesn’t seem to jump-start a friendship, maybe because most clubs only meet once a week, or more commonly every other week. She did do stage crew but did not make friends, so maybe it’s her. I’ve actually wondered if she’s very mildly on the spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make friends.

The counselor is aware because sometimes she will eat in an empty room in the counseling office but there are no lunch groups for similar kids so they don’t really have anything to offer. DD really feels like she’s the only one going through this, but that can’t be true.

She has asked to change schools, but if the problem is her, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s really hard to gauge what’s going on. Don’t most kids have at least a friend or two?

How old is she and has she had friends in the past? Did she have friends in elementary or early middle (is this a new problem from this year) or has she never had friends?

This has been an ongoing struggle but it is hitting her harder in high school.

[Anonymous]

This was me as well. I was new to school, and had an impossible time meeting friends. I went to the library during lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to bring a book. The other kids who like to read will see that and start talking to her.

Or, can't she turn to someone she likes in the last period before lunch and say to them "hey can I sit with you for lunch?"

Yes, to bring a book. The thing is if there are social skills issues, she may ask the wrong person to sit with her. Better to just go to a table and sit down than to put someone on the spot. Plus, if one person gets hot lunch and the other brings-good luck finding eachother. I would gently push her to experment-1 day bring a book and see what happens. Another day, try sitting at a table and so forth. The hiding in a classroom just reinforces the anxiety. If she needs it now and then-fine, but not every day. Teens need to be uncomfortable to grow and these are good skills to learn for college. You can validate her feelings, but also help her take baby steps forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are they able to wonder at lunchtime? My middle schooler has to go to the lunchroom. There is not option to stay in a classroom or hang out in library.

Also, from what I hear, they have those long cafeteria tables that hold tons of kids on either side. No one is “alone” because they are all packed in together.

I'm the PP who's a school librarian: students at my school have to go to cafeteria first, where they get a pass to come to the library. So they're not wandering and everyone knows where they are - otherwise there would be issues. A few students have standing passes to come straight to the library at lunchtime, which happens after conversation with counsellor and documentation in schedule/attendance system. Essentially if the school is willing to make it happen, a system can easily be set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

PP here. We used Social Grace LLC in Arlington.

Not the PP but thank you, I have a HS jr DS that eats alone most days. He claims he’s fine with it but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Sometimes I wonder if he could be slightly on the spectrum also (what would that look like?) but mostly I think he’s shy and got a bad start to HS during the pandemic. He’s not unhappy unlike OP’s DD which is mostly good but also bad (less interested in working to change things).

Does your DS understand social cues and is able to navigate social situations? Does he have good social skills? Does he have varied interests? If yes to all of these then he’s probably not on the spectrum and maybe an extreme introvert or social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

My introverted son joined the crew team. No cuts - everyone makes it and you meet so many kids. At our school, crew trends nerdy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD finds a teacher’s room and just kind of hides during lunch, because she’s so self-conscious about not having anyone to eat with. She said that everywhere she looks, there are groups of kids talking, laughing and having fun. She doesn’t notice anyone sitting all alone like her - she said everyone else seems to have at least one or two friends, even the unpopular kids. It’s so heartbreaking.

You need to take action and help your kid find her people. This can be very sad for her and I can not imagine it makes her feel good. Please talk to the school and help her find a group that meets at lunch or something but no she should not eat alone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD finds a teacher’s room and just kind of hides during lunch, because she’s so self-conscious about not having anyone to eat with. She said that everywhere she looks, there are groups of kids talking, laughing and having fun. She doesn’t notice anyone sitting all alone like her - she said everyone else seems to have at least one or two friends, even the unpopular kids. It’s so heartbreaking.

You need to take action and help your kid find her people. This can be very sad for her and I can not imagine it makes her feel good. Please talk to the school and help her find a group that meets at lunch or something but no she should not eat alone like this.

I wish it were so easy. I’m fully aware this isn’t good for her, and it pains be greatly. There are no lunch bunches in her high school. The counselor is fully aware she is eating alone. I’m not sure what else to do.

[Anonymous]

My add eats lunch alone 4 days a week and has no friends to hang out with on weekends and after school. It has literally caused me to become depressed. It’s so painful to watch your child suffer. Best of luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD finds a teacher’s room and just kind of hides during lunch, because she’s so self-conscious about not having anyone to eat with. She said that everywhere she looks, there are groups of kids talking, laughing and having fun. She doesn’t notice anyone sitting all alone like her - she said everyone else seems to have at least one or two friends, even the unpopular kids. It’s so heartbreaking.

You need to take action and help your kid find her people. This can be very sad for her and I can not imagine it makes her feel good. Please talk to the school and help her find a group that meets at lunch or something but no she should not eat alone like this.

I wish it were so easy. I’m fully aware this isn’t good for her, and it pains be greatly. There are no lunch bunches in her high school. The counselor is fully aware she is eating alone. I’m not sure what else to do.

I feel like the key is probably treating her anxiety. Have you looked into therapy and medication for her? Sorry if I missed it if you’ve already looked into this.

She needs help, and I don’t think she’s gonna get it on her own, and it’s not something a parent can fix for her