New School for 10th Grader

[Anonymous]

My DD had a similar situation when she was a sophomore Her tight group of friends fragmented with one being the lead in getting nasty and dividing the group. Our DD was upset as she had never experienced something like this but just powered through. We coached her on bigger picture as best we could but teenage years are so tough.

The "nasty" girl came around and our DD learned a valuable lesson. Through it all, she kept her head up even though we could see she was hurting. It also strengthened friendships with other girls who were suffering the same. Those girls are now still tight tight going into their junior year of college. None of them speak to the mean girl anymore.

It's so hard for them to trust at this stage that it will all work out. But it usually does work itself out....and while it may seem like the end of the world, it's just a very short blip in their lives. Encourage her to keep her head up, focus on the right priorities and friend(s) and ignore the noise.

..and...This may sound harsh but I have no other way to say it

Don't feed the drama with school changes etc and I'm not saying the drama is on her. BUT she is NOT a victim and she needs to know that and she needs to find a way to deal with it. She is going to have similar issues at other schools and in life. Enable and encourage her to find a path through it all and not just become a "victim". Life is NOT EASY! Why continue to pretend that it is? Let her know this is the first of many tough situations she will face and she is more than capable of getting through it.

She can do this! And she can rock it despite the challenges....don't let her give in/up. Life lesson...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had a similar situation when she was a sophomore Her tight group of friends fragmented with one being the lead in getting nasty and dividing the group. Our DD was upset as she had never experienced something like this but just powered through. We coached her on bigger picture as best we could but teenage years are so tough.

The "nasty" girl came around and our DD learned a valuable lesson. Through it all, she kept her head up even though we could see she was hurting. It also strengthened friendships with other girls who were suffering the same. Those girls are now still tight tight going into their junior year of college. None of them speak to the mean girl anymore.

It's so hard for them to trust at this stage that it will all work out. But it usually does work itself out....and while it may seem like the end of the world, it's just a very short blip in their lives. Encourage her to keep her head up, focus on the right priorities and friend(s) and ignore the noise.

..and...This may sound harsh but I have no other way to say it

Don't feed the drama with school changes etc and I'm not saying the drama is on her. BUT she is NOT a victim and she needs to know that and she needs to find a way to deal with it. She is going to have similar issues at other schools and in life. Enable and encourage her to find a path through it all and not just become a "victim". Life is NOT EASY! Why continue to pretend that it is? Let her know this is the first of many tough situations she will face and she is more than capable of getting through it.

She can do this! And she can rock it despite the challenges....don't let her give in/up. Life lesson...

I disagree with this. If a school is very small there will be very limited choices for friendships, sports and activities. Why should a child be miserable in the place they spend the most time? Would you stay at a job for eight hours per day for two more years if you were surrounded by a group of co-workers who made your life miserable? Would you encourage someone to stay in a bad marriage? I get the “life is hard” part but in life we also have choices. It’s perfectly fine to think carefully about situation and make a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had a similar situation when she was a sophomore Her tight group of friends fragmented with one being the lead in getting nasty and dividing the group. Our DD was upset as she had never experienced something like this but just powered through. We coached her on bigger picture as best we could but teenage years are so tough.

The "nasty" girl came around and our DD learned a valuable lesson. Through it all, she kept her head up even though we could see she was hurting. It also strengthened friendships with other girls who were suffering the same. Those girls are now still tight tight going into their junior year of college. None of them speak to the mean girl anymore.

It's so hard for them to trust at this stage that it will all work out. But it usually does work itself out....and while it may seem like the end of the world, it's just a very short blip in their lives. Encourage her to keep her head up, focus on the right priorities and friend(s) and ignore the noise.

..and...This may sound harsh but I have no other way to say it

Don't feed the drama with school changes etc and I'm not saying the drama is on her. BUT she is NOT a victim and she needs to know that and she needs to find a way to deal with it. She is going to have similar issues at other schools and in life. Enable and encourage her to find a path through it all and not just become a "victim". Life is NOT EASY! Why continue to pretend that it is? Let her know this is the first of many tough situations she will face and she is more than capable of getting through it.

She can do this! And she can rock it despite the challenges....don't let her give in/up. Life lesson...

Thank you. I really appreciate the advice, all of it.

[Anonymous]

I had multiple girls go through an area all-girls Catholic (not the Gators. Nearby but more middle class) with great success. Sure there were groups that weren’t ideal but they found close, solid friendships with so many nice kids that have really lasted. They steered clear of the big sports and status seekers and found the kids that did Best Buddies, peer ministry, service organizations, etc were more like-minded.

[Anonymous]

DD chose NCS over Stone Ridge so I don’t have any direct experience. But I’m also not surprised by OP’s experience. I definitely sensed potential for trouble when touring. I saw it too among the girls who were visiting during open house - it was clear they were from the same parochial school and somehow ended up visiting on the same day. I feared what the school may be like if those girls represented the pool of students the school draws from. My impression could have been totally wrong, but people I know have validated my impression. What is noteworthy though is that NCS, which DCUM would have you believe is full of vipers, has turned out really great for my kid. She tells me that there is no mean girls in her grade, although there is, she admits, varying degrees in other grades. I sense that NCS girls are more internally driven for success and less externally competitive, so perhaps that play a part. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t judge a book by its cover. And you can’t be guaranteed the absence of toxic people (if anything is the reverse). Anyway, I hope you and your DD best of luck. I agree though that if she’s found 3 awesome friends, then she’s golden. It’s more about focusing on those 3 and less on getting sucked into the drama of others.

[Anonymous]

OP. Our local public is BCC. Any thoughts on the kids there? Don’t want to pull her out of her current school then put her with another unkind group.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Our local public is BCC. Any thoughts on the kids there? Don’t want to pull her out of her current school then put her with another unkind group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Our local public is BCC. Any thoughts on the kids there? Don’t want to pull her out of her current school then put her with another unkind group.

Group dynamics + teenage girls just does not equal kindness. You have to be realistic; as PPs have noted, adolescence is about developing coping skills.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m asking where are the least sucky girls? LOL. BCC? Field? Holy Child? Burke? SJC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m asking where are the least sucky girls? LOL. BCC? Field? Holy Child? Burke? SJC?

Holy Cross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m asking where are the least sucky girls? LOL. BCC? Field? Holy Child? Burke? SJC?

So I teach 8th grade.

To find a school where you child will fit in, think about what your child likes and identifies as (sport/drawing/acting....) and choose a school that supports that.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who left Gators after 9th grade to attend BCC and is thriving there. Going public is not always a bad thing and there are far more people for your daughter to chose from to find friends.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I did speak with DD about not leaving because of on and off friends and to focus on the true friends she does have because they are great ones. There is no other reason to leave, she’s a straight A student who likes her classes and teachers. It can be hard but it can be hard anywhere. The privilege of many girls bothers her but she needs to hang out with people who don’t have a lot of privilege. We can look at BCC and then decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in 9th at an area girls school (since we are not naming schools, I will just call them the Gators). It has not been at all what we were hoping. She loved her visitation day and felt the girls were so nice. Now, at school, the cliques are terrible. She does have a few nice friends, but they are left out of everything else. And the moms are even worse. We are still figuring out what to do about next year. I really regret sending her.

OP here. We are at the same school. Gators. She’s been there a long time, had a really good group of friends, but lately it’s just been cliquish and unkindness. What’s really coming out is that we have basically raised our kids to be compassionate and empathetic people but the other parents have raised their kids to be so competitive, it’s a real win at all costs attitude. She still has some good friends, but the hurt feelings of broken friendships without explanation and being excluded has worn her down. We are trying to figure out what to do for next year too, which is why I posted the original post. We can’t go to Madeira, it’s a million miles from us in Bethesda.

Why don't you just say Stoneridge? Any of the area Catholics are going to be more diverse and bigger, so you have a larger group of kids/interests. Look at AHC if you want single sex. Good Counsel or SJC if you want co-ed. I've sent 3 kids through SJC and have known a few kids to transfer in for 10th grade. They all made friends and enjoyed their SJC experience as transfers.

[Anonymous]

SJC seems like a good fit. I hear there is zero parent involvement though no opportunities to volunteer and there isn’t even a directory for parents to connect. There is mothers club and fathers club but unless you attend that one monthly meeting you don’t know about the one or two chances to volunteer. Also those meetings sound incredibly formal with the HOS giving a school update etc. or did I receive the wrong information? Love to learn more from the parent perspective.