Women expecting other women to be in charge of all holidays/logistics/family dynamics

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

My SILs aunts etc are still picking up the rope *shrug* like I say I’m not playing games about who “should” do it. I’m operating in accordance with experience.

…and modeling to your sons and daughters that family relationships, holidays, logistics, meals, and the like are “women’s work.” You are showing your sons and daughters that men can do nothing but relax and enjoy the holidays and family gatherings that are organized by women. Great job!

Okay, well, so be it. I don’t need to add more steps to holiday coordination in case my 4 yo son reads my texts and makes inferences. Just keeping the ball moving.

Welp, you’re raising a son, so chances are, you will reap what you sow: very few calls, total disinterest in vacations and holidays, and mayyyyyybe he will remember your birthday.

That doesn’t describe his father so I doubt it. But no, his dad doesn’t call my BIL or his wife or his parents to arrange holiday menus. And I would rather have a good menu nailed down through communication that yields results than play along with whatever dramatic little game of telephone you’re cooking up.

Time will tell! It’s doubtful that you’ll get a passive ninny for a DIL, though. Likely she’ll have a backbone and won’t feel the need to be the point of contact for YOUR family. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

My SILs aunts etc are still picking up the rope *shrug* like I say I’m not playing games about who “should” do it. I’m operating in accordance with experience.

…and modeling to your sons and daughters that family relationships, holidays, logistics, meals, and the like are “women’s work.” You are showing your sons and daughters that men can do nothing but relax and enjoy the holidays and family gatherings that are organized by women. Great job!

Okay, well, so be it. I don’t need to add more steps to holiday coordination in case my 4 yo son reads my texts and makes inferences. Just keeping the ball moving.

Welp, you’re raising a son, so chances are, you will reap what you sow: very few calls, total disinterest in vacations and holidays, and mayyyyyybe he will remember your birthday.

That doesn’t describe his father so I doubt it. But no, his dad doesn’t call my BIL or his wife or his parents to arrange holiday menus. And I would rather have a good menu nailed down through communication that yields results than play along with whatever dramatic little game of telephone you’re cooking up.

Time will tell! It’s doubtful that you’ll get a passive ninny for a DIL, though. Likely she’ll have a backbone and won’t feel the need to be the point of contact for YOUR family. Best of luck.

Great! IDGAF about who texts who what as long as it works. You’re the one with rigid thinking about how to get from A to B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what also pisses me off? When Dh punts it back to me. His parents will ask what the plans are for the holiday and he’ll say “let me see what wife is planning.” Or “can you ask wife?” Or when he doesn’t want to do something he’ll say “sounds good! Let me see if it’s okay with wife” and then he makes it sound like it’s my fault that we aren’t doing the activity. I had a come to Jesus conversation with Dh around this, but he just can’t stop.

+100 DH throws me under the is all.the.time. I assumed it was intentional. I’ve finally decided he’s just has low EQ. Still seems like a cop out to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what also pisses me off? When Dh punts it back to me. His parents will ask what the plans are for the holiday and he’ll say “let me see what wife is planning.” Or “can you ask wife?” Or when he doesn’t want to do something he’ll say “sounds good! Let me see if it’s okay with wife” and then he makes it sound like it’s my fault that we aren’t doing the activity. I had a come to Jesus conversation with Dh around this, but he just can’t stop.

+100 DH throws me under the is all.the.time. I assumed it was intentional. I’ve finally decided he’s just has low EQ. Still seems like a cop out to me.

And then people wonder why I opt out of the game of telephone and go straight to the woman in the relationship… probably because I’m a misogynist.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

OP here. I was born in 1979 and plenty of my mom’s peers had jobs, including my mom, but it’s like they still have this ingrained homemaking servitude chip embedded in them. My dad does no holiday prep or planning, no meal prep or planning, doesn’t even buy cards and gifts for his own sister. I can recall holidays where my brother was allowed to stay at the table while my sister and I were expected to clear the table. I don’t get it, I really don’t.

I think because if it was left to the majority of men nothing would happen. Seriously. My husband doesn't care about Thanksgiving or Easter dinners. If it were up to him, he would just find someplace that has takeout. Same with special holiday traditions for the kids. I do care about it though. So there it is.

It's this. I overheard a dad talking at the end of the season sports game yesterday about the coach gift. Another dad asked something about it, and the first dad said something like "dads never sit around and decide that what the coach really needs is a gift." Probably the dad coach didn't care either. But, one of the moms got a text chain going to solicit funds for the coach gift to all the other moms. Women bring this on themselves. They decide things need to happen and then are left to make them happen. When men often don't even care if they happen at all.

X1000

[Anonymous]

I told my in-laws repeatedly early in our marriage that my DH and I both had large families and had agreed that he handled all holidays/gifts/thank you notes etc for his side and I would for mine. They could not wrap their minds around this and for years I’d get passive aggressive texts about all this stuff. I just ignored and forwarded to him. Sometimes he handled stuff, sometimes he wouldn’t. Yeah, they got a lot of random last minute panic purchased Harry and David gift baskets from him over the years, instead of more personal gifts, but oh well. I know they thought badly of me but it had literally zero impact bon my day to day life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did none of these older women have jobs? I was born in 1986 and NONE of the women in my family had jobs but I thought we were an anomaly. How exhausting to be trying to work and also be expected to coordinate a gourmet meal (and there better not be any subpar stuffing.)

OP here. I was born in 1979 and plenty of my mom’s peers had jobs, including my mom, but it’s like they still have this ingrained homemaking servitude chip embedded in them. My dad does no holiday prep or planning, no meal prep or planning, doesn’t even buy cards and gifts for his own sister. I can recall holidays where my brother was allowed to stay at the table while my sister and I were expected to clear the table. I don’t get it, I really don’t.

Same. My freshman year of college I had a paper due the day we returned from Thanksgiving break and had other homework today. I have several older brothers. They didn't help one iota and we wee all adults. Through my entire life they have never helped cook or clean up at holidays. I stopped attending a long time ago as I refuse to be their slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

My SILs aunts etc are still picking up the rope *shrug* like I say I’m not playing games about who “should” do it. I’m operating in accordance with experience.

…and modeling to your sons and daughters that family relationships, holidays, logistics, meals, and the like are “women’s work.” You are showing your sons and daughters that men can do nothing but relax and enjoy the holidays and family gatherings that are organized by women. Great job!

Okay, well, so be it. I don’t need to add more steps to holiday coordination in case my 4 yo son reads my texts and makes inferences. Just keeping the ball moving.

Welp, you’re raising a son, so chances are, you will reap what you sow: very few calls, total disinterest in vacations and holidays, and mayyyyyybe he will remember your birthday.

That doesn’t describe his father so I doubt it. But no, his dad doesn’t call my BIL or his wife or his parents to arrange holiday menus. And I would rather have a good menu nailed down through communication that yields results than play along with whatever dramatic little game of telephone you’re cooking up.

You are a sexist dinosaur and ridiculous. I wouldn't tolerate your crap for one second.

[Anonymous]

Only older women. My generation (M) stopped with this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

My SILs aunts etc are still picking up the rope *shrug* like I say I’m not playing games about who “should” do it. I’m operating in accordance with experience.

…and modeling to your sons and daughters that family relationships, holidays, logistics, meals, and the like are “women’s work.” You are showing your sons and daughters that men can do nothing but relax and enjoy the holidays and family gatherings that are organized by women. Great job!

Okay, well, so be it. I don’t need to add more steps to holiday coordination in case my 4 yo son reads my texts and makes inferences. Just keeping the ball moving.

Welp, you’re raising a son, so chances are, you will reap what you sow: very few calls, total disinterest in vacations and holidays, and mayyyyyybe he will remember your birthday.

That doesn’t describe his father so I doubt it. But no, his dad doesn’t call my BIL or his wife or his parents to arrange holiday menus. And I would rather have a good menu nailed down through communication that yields results than play along with whatever dramatic little game of telephone you’re cooking up.

Time will tell! It’s doubtful that you’ll get a passive ninny for a DIL, though. Likely she’ll have a backbone and won’t feel the need to be the point of contact for YOUR family. Best of luck.

Great! IDGAF about who texts who what as long as it works. You’re the one with rigid thinking about how to get from A to B.

The point is, it won’t “work,” because the next generation of women isn’t weak and passive like you, and will not be taking on their husband’s emotional labor. You raised your son to think that this is women’s work, so he won’t do it. And your DIL won’t be a sucker. So it won’t “work” as no one will call you back or make plans with you.

[Anonymous]

My husband is responsible for the gift buying for his family and every year on December 23, he’s running around trying to find something for his mom. I usually have no idea what he got until I see her opening it, and every year, without fail, she makes a point of thanking me first and very directly, and I honestly have no idea if it’s because she assumed I bought it, or if she’s throwing shade because she knows I didn’t and she can’t believe I had the audacity to expect her son to lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only older women. My generation (M) stopped with this nonsense.

The funny thing is my Dad (in his 70s) and my granddad (born in the 1910s) were always the turkey makers for holidays and had their particular things they coo I see these men born far later using age for their excuse but the reality is they're just lazy bums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid 30s and I do this because I’m just too tired to play dumb. Y’all husbands don’t text back or do their fair share of this stuff. I don’t blame you but I’m not gonna waste my time.

So you’re going to try to waste my time? I don’t think so. If your brother can’t be bothered to reply to you, take the hint and don’t expect a close family relationship. I’m not your family’s therapist, personal shopper or cruise director.

My SILs aunts etc are still picking up the rope *shrug* like I say I’m not playing games about who “should” do it. I’m operating in accordance with experience.

…and modeling to your sons and daughters that family relationships, holidays, logistics, meals, and the like are “women’s work.” You are showing your sons and daughters that men can do nothing but relax and enjoy the holidays and family gatherings that are organized by women. Great job!

Okay, well, so be it. I don’t need to add more steps to holiday coordination in case my 4 yo son reads my texts and makes inferences. Just keeping the ball moving.

Welp, you’re raising a son, so chances are, you will reap what you sow: very few calls, total disinterest in vacations and holidays, and mayyyyyybe he will remember your birthday.

That doesn’t describe his father so I doubt it. But no, his dad doesn’t call my BIL or his wife or his parents to arrange holiday menus. And I would rather have a good menu nailed down through communication that yields results than play along with whatever dramatic little game of telephone you’re cooking up.

Time will tell! It’s doubtful that you’ll get a passive ninny for a DIL, though. Likely she’ll have a backbone and won’t feel the need to be the point of contact for YOUR family. Best of luck.

Great! IDGAF about who texts who what as long as it works. You’re the one with rigid thinking about how to get from A to B.

The point is, it won’t “work,” because the next generation of women isn’t weak and passive like you, and will not be taking on their husband’s emotional labor. You raised your son to think that this is women’s work, so he won’t do it. And your DIL won’t be a sucker. So it won’t “work” as no one will call you back or make plans with you.

Lady you are one piece of work. You think you’re such a progressive warrior but here you are assuming my boys will marry women. It’s not that serious. We will have holidays or we won’t. Maybe my daughter and I will escape to Paris every year. This is not a hill I am willing to die on today and it won’t be in 20 years either.

At this point I’m surprised any of your in-laws are willing to reach out to you at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and FIL try to do this, but I keep refusing to be the main point of contact.

MIL will text me and only me to ask for dates of visits, menus, gift ideas for the kids, etc. I always add DH to the text chain and say “Thanks, Ted and I will discuss and he’ll be in touch soon!”

Like, she will actually contact me about logistics and what I’m bringing to THEIR family reunion. I add DH to the text chain and say, “DH usually makes a pie, but he’ll let you know what else he is planning to bring! He’ll let you know what dates we can make it.” This is an annual even that has been going on for decades before we married, why the H would I be the main point of contact for the Smith family reunion?!

This is what I do, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and FIL try to do this, but I keep refusing to be the main point of contact.

MIL will text me and only me to ask for dates of visits, menus, gift ideas for the kids, etc. I always add DH to the text chain and say “Thanks, Ted and I will discuss and he’ll be in touch soon!”

Like, she will actually contact me about logistics and what I’m bringing to THEIR family reunion. I add DH to the text chain and say, “DH usually makes a pie, but he’ll let you know what else he is planning to bring! He’ll let you know what dates we can make it.” This is an annual even that has been going on for decades before we married, why the H would I be the main point of contact for the Smith family reunion?!

You sound like a brat. They are tying to include you.

Assigning work is not "including". Also, why isn't her son on text chains about it? I'm with PP, if it's your family, you deal with it. My family, I deal with it.