My sister has asked me to adopt her baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

This is her niece or nephew. It doesn't matter. OP should no question take the baby.

Please join the rest of us in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. Please do some reading on adoption and it’s impacts even when done at birth. Not because you shouldn’t do it, but because if you want to parent this child it’s up to you to really learn about how to do this in their best interest. Most folks that work I. This area encourage open adoptions in the sense that even if your sister doesn’t want to be involved the child knows from the beginning that they are adopted - it’s not a surprise later. It’s just something that is a part of their reality and life. It can be very traumatic to learn at a later age tbag one was adopted and isn’t recommended to keep it a secret. And it is normal that processing the adoption at different developmental stages can look differently for different kids and be hard at some stages. There are many good books that can help. The connected child by Karen purvis is usually recommended though will gear a little towards kids who were adopted later, but some of it can still be relevant and it’s important to know that even when done at birth it can and often still feels like a loss for the child and can be traumatic for all. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s not the best path and can’t be wonderful, it sounds like it probably is. But it will go better if you are open to acknowledging and walking through the complexity of this with your child throughout their life.

This is a great breakdown. Also consider joining your local single mom by choice chapter — many of us have complicated family situations and they may have good advice for age appropriate ways to tell your child their origin story as well as ways to deal with your mother should the need arise. It might help you to interact with a group where donor conceived and adopted kids are the norm rather than an anomaly too.

[Anonymous]

There are countries in central America where this is standard, that two women go into the hospital, one gives birth, and the other "gives birth" and the new mother and baby leave.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

This is her niece or nephew. It doesn't matter. OP should no question take the baby.

Please join the rest of us in reality.

I am far more in reality than you and have adopted kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are countries in central America where this is standard, that two women go into the hospital, one gives birth, and the other "gives birth" and the new mother and baby leave.

This happens here with private newborn adoption like OP is saying. We left the hospital with our child.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to a lawyer, but I'd also talk to a counselor (as should your sister). Be prepared for her to potentially change her mind. I'm not saying it will happen, just that it could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact Jennifer Fairfax. She’s an adoption lawyer. But just know that your sister could change her mind before the birth. If you can handle a roller coaster, you will either have a child or a niece or nephew. It’s a lot to ask but she’s your sister and in a bad place.

2nd this recommendation. She is the best around - we tried several. However, if your sister and birthfather consent you could file and DIY it.

They both consent. Neither of them wants to be a parent. My sister hasn't been very stable for a few years. I suspect drugs are involved.

The issue is that that could seriously affect the baby. Are you up for that?

Yes I am. I recognize that I have a lot to learn but I do have some experience I won't go into too much detail because I'm sure I'll be called a troll again. I've spent my entire life working with children of all abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to a lawyer, but I'd also talk to a counselor (as should your sister). Be prepared for her to potentially change her mind. I'm not saying it will happen, just that it could.

Thank you for the advice I plan on doing all of the above. She could potentially change her mind but I don't think that she will. My sister already has an older child who is almost 18 and that child lives with their father. My sister never wanted to be a mother and reiterated this to me when asking me to take the baby. I really want my sister to get counseling and I'm hoping I can set her up with someone when she comes out here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women.

She originally wanted to abort and now she doesn't. The only other person who knows outside of the child's father is a family friend who is more like a sister to us. Apparently she talked my sister out of it before my sister found out it was illegal in their state. My sister has watched me have several losses over the years and says that she believes this baby is supposed to be with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. Please do some reading on adoption and it’s impacts even when done at birth. Not because you shouldn’t do it, but because if you want to parent this child it’s up to you to really learn about how to do this in their best interest. Most folks that work I. This area encourage open adoptions in the sense that even if your sister doesn’t want to be involved the child knows from the beginning that they are adopted - it’s not a surprise later. It’s just something that is a part of their reality and life. It can be very traumatic to learn at a later age tbag one was adopted and isn’t recommended to keep it a secret. And it is normal that processing the adoption at different developmental stages can look differently for different kids and be hard at some stages. There are many good books that can help. The connected child by Karen purvis is usually recommended though will gear a little towards kids who were adopted later, but some of it can still be relevant and it’s important to know that even when done at birth it can and often still feels like a loss for the child and can be traumatic for all. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s not the best path and can’t be wonderful, it sounds like it probably is. But it will go better if you are open to acknowledging and walking through the complexity of this with your child throughout their life.

This is a great breakdown. Also consider joining your local single mom by choice chapter — many of us have complicated family situations and they may have good advice for age appropriate ways to tell your child their origin story as well as ways to deal with your mother should the need arise. It might help you to interact with a group where donor conceived and adopted kids are the norm rather than an anomaly too.

This is a really good suggestion thank you. It would be nice to talk to some single moms by choice to be honest I'm pretty overwhelmed. I wanted this for very long time and I never thought that this would be my reaction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to a lawyer, but I'd also talk to a counselor (as should your sister). Be prepared for her to potentially change her mind. I'm not saying it will happen, just that it could.

Thank you for the advice I plan on doing all of the above. She could potentially change her mind but I don't think that she will. My sister already has an older child who is almost 18 and that child lives with their father. My sister never wanted to be a mother and reiterated this to me when asking me to take the baby. I really want my sister to get counseling and I'm hoping I can set her up with someone when she comes out here.

Yeah I think ultimately this is just way, way, above thr pay grade of this forum. A lawyer for the legal issues, a counselor specializing in this kind of thing for the social/emotional ones.

[Anonymous]

How wonderful that you have such a great supportive relationship with your sister. There is no perfect answer - but clearly love.

If I was in your shoes - I would help your sister get to Virginia and then start the process one step at a time. Get prenatal care- get counseling.
When you sister is in a little more stable situation find someone who can work with both of your through the big questions / messages. Clearly right now she is in a situation that she did not plan - and needs a path forward. But when you are in the middle of these times everything seems overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Whoever they end up with, I hope they are able to give that baby a good life.

[Anonymous]

You keep saying that you've had losses, what does your husband think about all of this?

I'd be paying to get your sister counseling so that this baby is born healthy. Depression, alcohol or even anxiety can really have effects on the fetus.