My sister has asked me to adopt her baby

[Anonymous]

Why would you do DNA testing? This makes zero sense. Why all the drama? OP takes baby after birth, get temporary guardianship and then adopt. If birthfather will sign off, its a non-issue and simple and clean adoption.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to all in this scenario, OP.

You are asking the right questions.

Just a reminder that you can always tell the truth... but not necessarily all at once! My mother is the stressed-out, meddling, hyper-critical kind, and I have hidden A LOT of things from her, some of which I told her later. For example, she's against dogs: we did tell her we got a dog, but only when he was past a year old and better behaved, just so we would be on the receiving end of criticism about puppies and how we'd bitten off more than we could chew. We waited until I showed to tell her I was pregnant - she never thinks any time is the right time for me to have kids. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Hi op. Please do some reading on adoption and it’s impacts even when done at birth. Not because you shouldn’t do it, but because if you want to parent this child it’s up to you to really learn about how to do this in their best interest. Most folks that work I. This area encourage open adoptions in the sense that even if your sister doesn’t want to be involved the child knows from the beginning that they are adopted - it’s not a surprise later. It’s just something that is a part of their reality and life. It can be very traumatic to learn at a later age tbag one was adopted and isn’t recommended to keep it a secret. And it is normal that processing the adoption at different developmental stages can look differently for different kids and be hard at some stages. There are many good books that can help. The connected child by Karen purvis is usually recommended though will gear a little towards kids who were adopted later, but some of it can still be relevant and it’s important to know that even when done at birth it can and often still feels like a loss for the child and can be traumatic for all. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s not the best path and can’t be wonderful, it sounds like it probably is. But it will go better if you are open to acknowledging and walking through the complexity of this with your child throughout their life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with others that you should call Jennifer Fairfax, but, my first call would be to a therapist about how to handle (and support) your sister through all of this.

I think it is wonderful that you want to give your niece or nephew an opportunity to be raised in their family of origin. Prepare yourself for a roller coaster as your sister gets closer to giving birth (or after she gives birth). The things I would consider:

1. If drugs/alcohol are involved the child could have significant special needs.
2. Sister or birth father may change their minds. Does birth father's family know what is going on? There could be a whole cast of characters involved.
3. I would only do it if the adoption and who the biological parents are is openly acknowledged in the family. No keeping secrets. This kind of secret is very damaging and unfair to the child.

[Anonymous]

Are you forgetting there’s a sperm donor/father involved here? Any member of his family tree in a genetic database could blow this.

I haven't forgotten.However, the father is agreeing to this adoption, so he has no interest--at least right now--in blowing this up. O

I gather this is a one night stand situation. So, yeah, one of his relatives could figure out he or one of his brothers (if none of them have tested) is dad. Who the mother is is NOT something his relatives can figure out--unless there is intermarriage. Bio father would have to tell the child.

[Anonymous]

Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

This is her niece or nephew. It doesn't matter. OP should no question take the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

This is her niece or nephew. It doesn't matter. OP should no question take the baby.

Not everybody is equipped to be a single mom to a SN baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with others that you should call Jennifer Fairfax, but, my first call would be to a therapist about how to handle (and support) your sister through all of this.

I think it is wonderful that you want to give your niece or nephew an opportunity to be raised in their family of origin. Prepare yourself for a roller coaster as your sister gets closer to giving birth (or after she gives birth). The things I would consider:

1. If drugs/alcohol are involved the child could have significant special needs.
2. Sister or birth father may change their minds. Does birth father's family know what is going on? There could be a whole cast of characters involved.
3. I would only do it if the adoption and who the biological parents are is openly acknowledged in the family. No keeping secrets. This kind of secret is very damaging and unfair to the child.

Paternal grandparents may want to be involved. There may be a pleasant surprise there.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Family secrets are so toxic. My mom was in a similar-ish situation (as the child) and at 75, she’s still messed up from it.

Otherwise, proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. Please do some reading on adoption and it’s impacts even when done at birth. Not because you shouldn’t do it, but because if you want to parent this child it’s up to you to really learn about how to do this in their best interest. Most folks that work I. This area encourage open adoptions in the sense that even if your sister doesn’t want to be involved the child knows from the beginning that they are adopted - it’s not a surprise later. It’s just something that is a part of their reality and life. It can be very traumatic to learn at a later age tbag one was adopted and isn’t recommended to keep it a secret. And it is normal that processing the adoption at different developmental stages can look differently for different kids and be hard at some stages. There are many good books that can help. The connected child by Karen purvis is usually recommended though will gear a little towards kids who were adopted later, but some of it can still be relevant and it’s important to know that even when done at birth it can and often still feels like a loss for the child and can be traumatic for all. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s not the best path and can’t be wonderful, it sounds like it probably is. But it will go better if you are open to acknowledging and walking through the complexity of this with your child throughout their life.

One thousand times this. OP, the first criterion for being a parent is having the ability to always act in the child’s best interests, even if they don’t align perfectly with your own. You cannot adopt this child without understanding your responsibility to be open with them about their adoption from the start. Please consider calling The Barker Foundation or another adoption organization to get some assistance and education before you agree to this. The short- and long-term outcomes will be better for you, the child, and your sister if you have some professional guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what "shame"

That is absurd.

I don't believe you this whole story squeaks of troll

I know this is anonymous and it's a forum but I came on here genuinely seeking some help can we please stop with the troll stuff. I'm emotionally drained. My sister feels ashamed that she is 18 weeks pregnant and she lost her wife in May.

Your sister has been through a lot. I'm sure some of her shame and guilt is also connected to her sexual orientation and feeling like she has somehow failed as a lesbian by hooking up with someone so shortly after her wife's death. She should definitely see a therapist that is experienced in supporting LGBTQ clients, because she needs to be able to have a safe space in therapy to heal, and someone who does not have an understanding of the dynamics there will not be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

I am an adoptive parent and I agree with everyone who says to educate yourself. The two issues that have impacted us most are FASD and attachment disorders. Thing about both is that they don’t show up at birth. In fact they may not show up for years. But they are no joke. We’ve wiped out our bank accounts multiple times to pay for treatment that is not covered by insurance. I don’t regret my decisions at all but it’s not an easy road if these issues become your reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact Jennifer Fairfax. She’s an adoption lawyer. But just know that your sister could change her mind before the birth. If you can handle a roller coaster, you will either have a child or a niece or nephew. It’s a lot to ask but she’s your sister and in a bad place.

2nd this recommendation. She is the best around - we tried several. However, if your sister and birthfather consent you could file and DIY it.

They both consent. Neither of them wants to be a parent. My sister hasn't been very stable for a few years. I suspect drugs are involved.

The issue is that that could seriously affect the baby. Are you up for that?