Should I send my kid to private (Catholic) high school against her will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have her do a shadow day. You could also tell her that if she absolutely hates it at the end of freshman year that you’ll let her go back to public school. I’m sure the prospect of starting a new school not knowing anyone is scary. Once she settles in and has friends it will be easier for her to truly evaluate the experience.

I was going to suggest a shadow day and also see if you can speak to current parents. That will help you decide if it is truly the best place for your DC.

I've spoken to other parents on St. X for 3 years now, and know the families very well, and their kids' experiences. I even know the best teachers, the curriculum, the sports program. and like any school, the negatives.
With all this, I KNOW St. X is the right school. That is not in question a bit.

This is about my dd being 13, immature and not knowing what is best for her overall growth. I also won't let my kids sit and play video games and social media all day, because I know what's best for them.

If you are so certain then why did you post this question on an anonymous forum where most posters are outside your region???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family forced boy to go to a Catholic school that we told him was a great fit. He didn’t believe it. After a year there was promised transfer anywhere he could get into.

He went and later agreed that this had been a great school for him. Never wanted to transfer out. At 13 some kids just aren’t ready to make good decisions.

The opposite happened in our family. Our parents pretty much forced my brother to go to well-regarded smaller private high school in our town. He wanted to go to the public high school and stay with his friends.

He was not involved in the decision, so my parents --- in his eyes --- owned it. In a number of subtle ways, he refused to adapt or accept the school as his place.

He lasted a year. My parents were eventually worn down by the negativity and moved him to the public school. He did much better there because it was his choice.

This is still a family bone of contention.

If he would have been indifferent between the two, that might have been different.

It's way, way better if kids are signed up to the decision. There may be changes of heart but counting on that is not a good idea.

If your brother is still giving your parents a hard time about this he needs to man up and get over it. JFC.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should leave it completely up to your daughter, but on some level she needs to feel like you're not totally discounting the things that worry her. If there is an activity she does with her existing friends, promise to make it a priority. Have her do a shadow day and try to get her into an honest discussion afterwards about what the pluses and minuses of each might be. Then make a deal with her: if she puts in a solid year of effort at the Catholic school, and tries to make it work academically and socially, then at that point you will put the decision to her about whether to continue or go to the public HS. Today, as a 13 year old, she's only going to see downsides and opportunity costs from this decision because the she's built the public HS into her social/emotional baseline. So as a parent you're entitled to at least put her in the position of actually knowing and becoming familiar with the options she has to chose between. Once that happens though, it should be up to her.

[Anonymous]

You make it sound so dramatic, like being married off to the Sheriff of Nottingham or something.

That said, if her objections are as you describe them, hell yes you should send her to Catholic school.

And she'll get over it and be fine on the psychosocial front, unless you send her to one of those schools trying to create uber girls who are generally considered a failure unless they have solved for pi to at least 200 digits by the time they get out of 9th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the Catholic middle schools teach more than the public middle schools but no parent on this site wants to hear it. It is TRUE.

LOL. No. I’ve had children in both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family forced boy to go to a Catholic school that we told him was a great fit. He didn’t believe it. After a year there was promised transfer anywhere he could get into.

He went and later agreed that this had been a great school for him. Never wanted to transfer out. At 13 some kids just aren’t ready to make good decisions.

The opposite happened in our family. Our parents pretty much forced my brother to go to well-regarded smaller private high school in our town. He wanted to go to the public high school and stay with his friends.

He was not involved in the decision, so my parents --- in his eyes --- owned it. In a number of subtle ways, he refused to adapt or accept the school as his place.

He lasted a year. My parents were eventually worn down by the negativity and moved him to the public school. He did much better there because it was his choice.

This is still a family bone of contention.

If he would have been indifferent between the two, that might have been different.

It's way, way better if kids are signed up to the decision. There may be changes of heart but counting on that is not a good idea.

If your brother is still giving your parents a hard time about this he needs to man up and get over it. JFC.

Just stuff it down their throats and make em like it? They'll just have to man up and accept it further down the road?

I'm not optimistic that approach is a good long term idea. But, do it anyway you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do this to your daughter.

This don’t do this to your daughter please!

Op here- Why not, what are the reasons?

and for others who debate the rigor of the classes. Both St. X and the public school have equivalent classes, multiple APs, high level math available, etc. Let's not focus on that, it's more the environment at each school
Public HS is 3000 students, St. X is 1200 students.

1200 students is huge if HS only. Do you not have real (i.e., independent) private schools in your area that are smaller and perhaps more focused on your daughter's particular needs? My older child went to a school with around 600 kids in HS and my younger one (who has ADHD and other needs) is at a school with fewer than 400. Smaller school = more attention on the individual student.

[Anonymous]

I am a little shocked that now, in late October, you haven't already taken her to the open house (fair enough, maybe it hasn't happened, I know there are some here that haven't) and scheduled her shadow. I don't know how competitive it is, but it doesn't look great on the app if you haven't done those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again- and honestly, I hate our public high school now that DS has had such a bad experience. DS has mental illness, exacerbated by environment and low quality friends at school, lack of help from school, 3rd counselor switch in 3 years. Teachers never ever email me when DS starts failing class, I meet with social worker and counselor and lots of lip service with no action.
I feel like I can't repeat that process again (and can't share full extent with DD without seemingly bashing DS )

Why should the teachers email you if your kid is failing classes.
As a parent you have access to checking your kids grades. Do you speak with your kid about how they are doing at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the Catholic middle schools teach more than the public middle schools but no parent on this site wants to hear it. It is TRUE.

LOL. No. I’ve had children in both.

I’ve had kids in both too. My kids in public were literally a year behind their siblings who went to private.

Obviously this depends on your specific school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again- and honestly, I hate our public high school now that DS has had such a bad experience. DS has mental illness, exacerbated by environment and low quality friends at school, lack of help from school, 3rd counselor switch in 3 years. Teachers never ever email me when DS starts failing class, I meet with social worker and counselor and lots of lip service with no action.
I feel like I can't repeat that process again (and can't share full extent with DD without seemingly bashing DS )

Big eyeroll.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're right that St. X is the best school. But sending her there because her completely different older brother had a bad time at the other school is making the decision for the wrong reason. You have a big blind spot and a bias that you're not acknowledging. Now, it's probable that DD has a different blind spot and bias, but you're only seeing hers and not your own. It's there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely have her do a shadow day. You could also tell her that if she absolutely hates it at the end of freshman year that you’ll let her go back to public school. I’m sure the prospect of starting a new school not knowing anyone is scary. Once she settles in and has friends it will be easier for her to truly evaluate the experience.

I was going to suggest a shadow day and also see if you can speak to current parents. That will help you decide if it is truly the best place for your DC.

I've spoken to other parents on St. X for 3 years now, and know the families very well, and their kids' experiences. I even know the best teachers, the curriculum, the sports program. and like any school, the negatives.
With all this, I KNOW St. X is the right school. That is not in question a bit.

This is about my dd being 13, immature and not knowing what is best for her overall growth. I also won't let my kids sit and play video games and social media all day, because I know what's best for them.

This sounds bizarre to me. You’ve apparently involved yourself deeply with families at the school — and the school itself — yet you make ZERO mention of any effort to similarly involve your daughter. Has she attended social events or sports activities or other performances at the school? If you “know the families very well, and their kids’ experiences” — is the same thing true of your daughter? If it is true, then that means that your daughter’s opinion on how she should spend much of the next 4 years is based on a lot of relevant information. If it’s not true, then it stands out that you’ve worked to become very familiar with a particular environment that you somehow “KNOW … is right” for your daughter— yet for some reason haven’t bothered to provide your daughter with the experiences and information that might allow her to share your certainty about this school being a good fit for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the Catholic middle schools teach more than the public middle schools but no parent on this site wants to hear it. It is TRUE.

I hope that both types of schools are teaching their students to be wary of sweeping generalizations that are unsupported by actual data.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pulling a shy kid away from their only few friends against her will sounds really quite cruel, especially at that age. I’m struggling with this because I know preteens are not exactly the best decision makers, but if it’s really hard for her to make friends it sounds like she’s going to be miserable.

Agree with this and I went to Catholic Schools for 12 years. So many kids are very disconnected in this Covid world. You might have 2 with mental illness on your hands if you force this on her OP.