Any way to do a "presents optional" birthday party invite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So if you were a parent who threw a no-gifts party that my kid attended earlier this year which we did not bring a gift to, how would you feel about getting an invite that didn't mention gifts vs one that said "gifts optional" or "gifts are not necessary!" or something like that? Would you care either way?

I would never say this IRL but since this is anonymous I’ll say that as a parent of kids who have only had “no gifts” parties, I find it stressful and therefore a bit annoying when others don’t mention gifts in the invite (meaning we have to go get a gift) or else say “gifts optional” or “gifts not necessary” which to me basically still means we are required to go get a gift.

I’m sorry. I love kid bday parties (or rather my kids love them and I love to see my kids happy and having fun w friends) but I don’t know what to get for their friends, don’t know how much to spend, don’t want to have the chore of going out to buy something or ordering something and then wrap it. I know not everyone feels this way or minds. But to me it’s stressful when I have to go out and pick a Lego set or craft set or whatever for my kids’ friends, some of whom I barely know and none of whom I know well enough to know if they already have that toy/item. Obviously I do it when needed but I definitely think a little less of the parents when they don’t specify “no gifts” and take the stress out of attending a bday party.

Wow. What a life you just lead if buying a Lego set qualifies as “stressful.”

Stress manifests itself in many ways. I can relate to the pp above and also stress about things like money and environmental waste.

Buy your kids less and let them have gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could collectively just agree that gifts are always optional, that no family should ever bring an extravagant gift, and also that no one will ever be resented for not bringing a gift. Could we make that a general rule?

The problem for us is that some of our friends do no gift parties and some don't, and if my kid goes to a party with gifts then of course she wants gifts. Also, we are not wealthy so it's not like our kid is getting showered with presents every birthday or Christmas. We also don't have much extended family so she might get one small thing from each set of grandparents but otherwise it's just us. I actually like the idea of having her friends give her (small) gifts and then we of course bring them gifts for their parties. But it's just hard because everyone has very different ideas of what is appropriate.

Lately (since my kid was old enough to care and ask if people are bringing gifts) we just say nothing about it on the invite and people make their own choice and we open them after everyone leaves and we make our kid write thank you notes. It's the best I can come up with.

I think your approach is great. We do the book swap because we have had big joint parties- 30 kids for my kid and his friend, and we can’t manage 30 gifts. We did the big party because we had a huge venue that could support all those kids at a reasonable price and we had just moved. My other kid had a party with 3 other kids, and I didn’t specify gifts, so he received gifts. Some people don’t want gifts and some do, and I think both are fine. And it’s also fine to have a kid who really wants gifts and a kid who doesn’t. My book swap kid and his friend didn’t care, so it worked out. If they did care, we wouldn’t have done a big party. I don’t see why people have to do the same thing for kids’ birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

By the way, we didn’t “look poor” because we worked very hard and I know that a lot of people would have been shocked to find out. You never really know another family’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So if you were a parent who threw a no-gifts party that my kid attended earlier this year which we did not bring a gift to, how would you feel about getting an invite that didn't mention gifts vs one that said "gifts optional" or "gifts are not necessary!" or something like that? Would you care either way?

I would never say this IRL but since this is anonymous I’ll say that as a parent of kids who have only had “no gifts” parties, I find it stressful and therefore a bit annoying when others don’t mention gifts in the invite (meaning we have to go get a gift) or else say “gifts optional” or “gifts not necessary” which to me basically still means we are required to go get a gift.

I’m sorry. I love kid bday parties (or rather my kids love them and I love to see my kids happy and having fun w friends) but I don’t know what to get for their friends, don’t know how much to spend, don’t want to have the chore of going out to buy something or ordering something and then wrap it. I know not everyone feels this way or minds. But to me it’s stressful when I have to go out and pick a Lego set or craft set or whatever for my kids’ friends, some of whom I barely know and none of whom I know well enough to know if they already have that toy/item. Obviously I do it when needed but I definitely think a little less of the parents when they don’t specify “no gifts” and take the stress out of attending a bday party.

Wow. What a life you just lead if buying a Lego set qualifies as “stressful.”

+1 Perhaps PP has only preschooler or younger kids. Mine is 3rd grade and its much more fun to go shopping with your child and have them pick a gift for their friend.

I can think of about 1000 things I'd have more fun doing with my kid though. I have precious little time with her as it is, and negotiating with her what an appropriate gift is for the umpteenth time is not exactly quality time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

It's just so excessive though! The comfort with waste- financial and environmental- is appalling. I'm not trying to sound judgy. I know I'm hypocritical in countless ways, but really, I just can't get excited for the kid who is going to open cheap slime, feel that rush of joy for like 30 seconds before moving on to the sparkly flashlight, which will end up in a corner of the basement forever by next weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

It's just so excessive though! The comfort with waste- financial and environmental- is appalling. I'm not trying to sound judgy. I know I'm hypocritical in countless ways, but really, I just can't get excited for the kid who is going to open cheap slime, feel that rush of joy for like 30 seconds before moving on to the sparkly flashlight, which will end up in a corner of the basement forever by next weekend.

Don’t be a curmudgeon. Did you enjoy getting birthday presents as a kid?! Even if your haughty grandmother thought they were wasteful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

It's just so excessive though! The comfort with waste- financial and environmental- is appalling. I'm not trying to sound judgy. I know I'm hypocritical in countless ways, but really, I just can't get excited for the kid who is going to open cheap slime, feel that rush of joy for like 30 seconds before moving on to the sparkly flashlight, which will end up in a corner of the basement forever by next weekend.

I never buy my kids toys. They get presents on Christmas , birthday, and then they can spend their allowance. I am not wringing my hands over their joy in opening some crap from 5 below that is an exciting novelty for them. Just let kids be kids and have freaking presents on their birthdays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

Every kids party I ever went to had the birthday kid opening presents in front of everybody. And I would never have the idea to buy something from that store. People with no money really don’t want to be the one bringing a $5 gift when everyone else brings one for $20+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always want to write that but I end up writing nothing.

I have also wanted to request no gifts or used toy but it sounded weird to write. One friend once asked for books used or new. I ended up giving a bunch of gently used books and also bought a gift.

I think it is generally better to write nothing and then answer if people ask.

Maybe from an etiquette standard, but as a parent I very much appreciate when the invite is specific about no gifts. I would feel very awkward asking directly if I am supposed to bring one. Because it makes it sounds like I'm trying to get out of it.

If they are silent about gifts, then bring a gift! Who would call and ask if they want gifts? Do you people have zero social skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

Every kids party I ever went to had the birthday kid opening presents in front of everybody. And I would never have the idea to buy something from that store. People with no money really don’t want to be the one bringing a $5 gift when everyone else brings one for $20+.

My oldest is 12, and we’ve been to probably 75 birthday parties. I have never seen anyone open gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

Bizzare. There is no equity in a birthday and no one opens gifts at parties so no one knows except if you are a gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

Every kids party I ever went to had the birthday kid opening presents in front of everybody. And I would never have the idea to buy something from that store. People with no money really don’t want to be the one bringing a $5 gift when everyone else brings one for $20+.

Back in the olden days that's what used to happen, like when you went to a kids party. Nobody does that anymore. Nobody knows who gave what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that anyone even remotely interested in equity should be completely against gifts from friends at parties. It’s always very obvious who the less well off families are from what they give, and if it’s not obvious then it’s because a family is doing without something else so they can bring your child an appropriate gift. Nobody wants to be the odd person out giving a “cheap” gift. I was that kid and I usually found an excuse to not go to parties because it was a bad experience either way for me.

This makes no sense. My 2nd graders favorite store is 5 below. Get him a 5 dollar basketball or some slime and he will be thrilled. It’s gauche to open gifts at the party anyways so no one will know that you purchased the 5 below sparkly flashlight which, fyi, was the favorite present

Every kids party I ever went to had the birthday kid opening presents in front of everybody. And I would never have the idea to buy something from that store. People with no money really don’t want to be the one bringing a $5 gift when everyone else brings one for $20+.

We got some dollar tree gifts and sure enough they were a bigger hit than some of the expensive gifts. A $5 gift is fine, even a dollar store one. Kids don't care. Its the thought.