Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the negative responses this post got. I think it’s a very valid question. I am in the middle of a divorce, but hoping to end up with full custody (spouse has mental health and addiction issues). Sometimes while going through the day to day craziness that is caring for young children, this pops into my head “who in the world would sign on to this.” So I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single for the next ~15 years.
Multiple young kids is all encompassing. Especially when you have them full time. I’m not sure the aunt/uncle dynamic would work. Not for me at least. Inequality with parenting is one of the issues in my current marriage…

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure the negative comments are all from the same unhinged person.

[Anonymous]

OP are you having an affair?

[Anonymous]

OP here - didn't realize this had been moved. I wasn't envisioning that a step-parent should have to act exactly like a a parent, I understand its a different role. But I'd imagine their lives are still hugely impacted.

I'd just been thinking about for all the conflict with DH, at least we both at our core want what's best for our kids as a top priority. I can't imagine being married to someone who wasn't my (3 very young) kids' dad and having to negotiate with them on whether paying for xyz therapy was worth it or them be resentful that i needed to go to bed early b/c the 3yo has sleep issues and just letting him cry it out won't fix it or that I don't think some random nanny can manage them all 3 for a week for us to go on an adults only vacation.

Basically, all the things that I used to think were totally fine and doable and reasonable before I was a parent and could see (and emotionally feel) how not straight forward all these was even if they'd be "fine". It seems very stressful to try to expect someone to accept all these things as a parent when they're not in the role of parent (widow where new husband is only dad etc)

[Anonymous]

OP, not really sure what the purpose of your post was. It's natural that the vast majority of bio parents have a stronger relationship with their kids than a stepparent will.

Sure, as evidenced by some PPs, it is possible for someone to love stepkids as strongly as a natural parent would. But there are many other factors at play which can impact that.

One of the most critical is how the bio mother views the stepmother (in particular) and how she communicates that to the kids. And how old the kids are.

If bio mom can honestly encourage her young kids to have a good relationship with stepmom and that it won't hurt mom's feelings, that's a good start. With older kids it gets a lot tricker because they will have stronger natural loyalty binds.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are right to worry. I have not seen any studies, but from my own experience and from hearing/reading about the experiences of others, finding a stepparent who will love your kids as their own is hard. I think that there are some amazing stepparents out there, but I think that there are lots of shitty ones. The majority will be fine, but not comparable to the love and devotion of actual parents. My husband is not perfect, but he loves our children and I doubt that a stranger could love my children as much as DH and I do. The stepparent dynamic is different from adoption.

[Anonymous]

DH is a much better father to my oldest that his biodad. Examples of things DH does that my kids' dad has never done: He never misses a game, volunteer coaches one of his teams, helps with his homework, knows the name of his doctor and dentist, helps pay for things, goes on vacations with him, attends parent teacher conferences, and on and on and on. However, I feel that our situation is unique and I got really lucky.

[Anonymous]

I think at the end of the day, most of the time with bio parents still in the picture, the stepparent, esp. step dad will not make the same sacrifices as bio parents. Although a lot of times, with not so great bio dads, stepdads make more sacrifices and will seem to be a better dad than the bio parent. But then there is question of genuineness.

I also think the stepparent can grow to love the kids a great deal but at the end of the day, the love step dad has for the kids will not originate from the kids but will be ultimately tied to the person they chose to marry. Basically, stepparent will love the kids and make sacrifices for the kids because of his love for their mom, not because of his pure love for them (of course when bio dad is in the picture)

I'm friends with a someone who married a woman with kids and visibly was the BEST stepdad ever - to the point you would think he loved the kids more than bio dad. He was more involved than bio dad and sacrificed more than bio dad. But when stepdad and mom divorced, the stepdad overall seemed fine about losing the kids and was more sad about losing his ex wife. The sacrifices he made for the kids were all for the woman he loved/married, not because of an unconditional love he had for the kids as most bio parents, adoptive parents, or stepparents taking over bio parents role (i.e. bio parent out of the picture) eventually all have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a much better father to my oldest that his biodad. Examples of things DH does that my kids' dad has never done: He never misses a game, volunteer coaches one of his teams, helps with his homework, knows the name of his doctor and dentist, helps pay for things, goes on vacations with him, attends parent teacher conferences, and on and on and on. However, I feel that our situation is unique and I got really lucky.

This sounds the relationship between my DH and his stepdad and father. His stepdad made every sacrifice, was fully involved, and considers my DH a son. My FIL, on the other hand, while not a bad person, is pretty self-absorbed and it wouldn't even occur to him to attend a kid's event that didn't have something in it for him. Like he would go if DH was singing the solo and then FIL would be praised for having raised such a great son. If DH were singing in the background and there was nothing in it for FIL, other than seeing his son sing, he would not go. But DH's stepdad would be there cheering him on.

[Anonymous]

We as parents made a choice (well, most of us) to become parents. Stepparents make that same choice too.

If a person with bio kids signs up to be a stepparent, they are making a much more informed choice than those of us who decided to become first-time parents. Even those without bio kids usually meet the kid in question before making the decision to marry and become a stepparent.

I see people make so much effort with their pets. Obviously they are not related biologically, pets aren't even human, but some people go to great lengths to care for special needs pets. Why? Some people just have that nurturing capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

Absolutely agree with this as a mother and as a stepmother. I came into my role as a stepmother of a young teen with an open heart and commitment to love her and sacrifice for her. But there simply isn't the kind of opportunity to parent a stepchild who has two existing parents. Yes, I love her and yes, I have sacrificed a LOT for her. But I can't love and prioritize her like her mother does...not because I don't have the *capacity* to do so, but because I don't have the opportunity to do so. I'm not her mom. I never will be called upon to sacrifice like her mom.

For example, she had a baby two years ago. I love my step-grandchild. When asked, I am happy to take care of him overnight. I offer, often. But my SD did not need or want me in the delivery room. She did not need or want me living side by side with her during the first month after he was born premature. She did not want me waking up in the middle of the night to feed him so she could sleep. I certainly would have been willing to make those sacrifices for her, but I was not called upon to do so, and I think that is totally okay. I have made peace with my presence in her life as a loving, interested adult who loves her dad. I will not ever be her parent, and that's just the nature of the relationship. It's not a deficiency on either of our parts.

What has helped me make peace with it was the unexpected blessing of a child of my own. And I absolutely see the difference. I have sacrificed incalculably more for him simply because I have been called upon to do so, as his mother. He needs me infinitely more than she has ever needed me, and that is okay. If circumstances were different....if my DH was a widower and she had lost her mother very young, I certainly could have loved and prioritized her similarly to how I do my son. But she didn't need that from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

Absolutely agree with this as a mother and as a stepmother. I came into my role as a stepmother of a young teen with an open heart and commitment to love her and sacrifice for her. But there simply isn't the kind of opportunity to parent a stepchild who has two existing parents. Yes, I love her and yes, I have sacrificed a LOT for her. But I can't love and prioritize her like her mother does...not because I don't have the *capacity* to do so, but because I don't have the opportunity to do so. I'm not her mom. I never will be called upon to sacrifice like her mom.

For example, she had a baby two years ago. I love my step-grandchild. When asked, I am happy to take care of him overnight. I offer, often. But my SD did not need or want me in the delivery room. She did not need or want me living side by side with her during the first month after he was born premature. She did not want me waking up in the middle of the night to feed him so she could sleep. I certainly would have been willing to make those sacrifices for her, but I was not called upon to do so, and I think that is totally okay. I have made peace with my presence in her life as a loving, interested adult who loves her dad. I will not ever be her parent, and that's just the nature of the relationship. It's not a deficiency on either of our parts.

What has helped me make peace with it was the unexpected blessing of a child of my own. And I absolutely see the difference. I have sacrificed incalculably more for him simply because I have been called upon to do so, as his mother. He needs me infinitely more than she has ever needed me, and that is okay. If circumstances were different....if my DH was a widower and she had lost her mother very young, I certainly could have loved and prioritized her similarly to how I do my son. But she didn't need that from me.

Great post. In most cases it’s just objectively not the same situation as parenthood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My step parent raised me, lloved me, sacrificed for me, but I can just tell she feels something different for the younger two kids who are her children by blood. COuld be different for different people and family situation.

Many, perhaps most, biological siblings don’t feel that parents love all of their offspring the same. And I have even heard parents say they love all of their children the same amount, but in different ways.

You attribute your feelings to the lack of biological connection, but that part could be just the explanation you have latched onto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

No, but they are not the same as having their own biological children. I had someone tell me that he adopted his wife’s child but when his own came along, it was different. Sorry, it is just that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - didn't realize this had been moved. I wasn't envisioning that a step-parent should have to act exactly like a a parent, I understand its a different role. But I'd imagine their lives are still hugely impacted.

I'd just been thinking about for all the conflict with DH, at least we both at our core want what's best for our kids as a top priority. I can't imagine being married to someone who wasn't my (3 very young) kids' dad and having to negotiate with them on whether paying for xyz therapy was worth it or them be resentful that i needed to go to bed early b/c the 3yo has sleep issues and just letting him cry it out won't fix it or that I don't think some random nanny can manage them all 3 for a week for us to go on an adults only vacation.

Basically, all the things that I used to think were totally fine and doable and reasonable before I was a parent and could see (and emotionally feel) how not straight forward all these was even if they'd be "fine". It seems very stressful to try to expect someone to accept all these things as a parent when they're not in the role of parent (widow where new husband is only dad etc)

You rise to the occasion, and they could to.

It is not a function of having spent time in your uterus. They never opens time in your husband’s uterus. Your premise is so off.

Yes, if you meet an older child, or one whose needs are largely met by someone else…you may not grow as close. But if course, stepparents can live and sacrifice as much/well as those who share DNA.

Lots if bio parents are selfish and damaging. You are focusing on the wrong question.

(And if your kids are growing up in a house full of tension and where the man and women feel no love for each other…think about how bad that is for them to see and learn from. )