Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

No, but they are not the same as having their own biological children. I had someone tell me that he adopted his wife’s child but when his own came along, it was different. Sorry, it is just that way.

100% wrong, based upon the parents I know who have both biological children and children who came into their families through adoption.

Your friend sounds like a defective father. I feel bad for all of his children.

[Anonymous]

all depends on the person. I am more like an aunt to my step kids. Love them, look out for them, but don't have that ferocious mama bear feeling.

[Anonymous]

It really depends. If you have a nice/loving step-kid without any baby mama drama/solid co-parenting, you will probably have a great relationship. If you have an angry and jealous step-kid with lots of baby mama drama, you will probably not have a great relationship and do bare minimum. I am a step-parent and I am glad my step-kid is off to college, WAY LESS DRAMA! I have my life back now.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely! My stepdad has been in my life since I was 3. My Dad was also involved so I basically had two father figures growing up. My mom and stepdad and brother and I are like any nuclear family and very close and loving. Here is the thing: both my Dad and stepdad are wonderful people who make real commitments to the people in their life (my Dad is also remarried). Good people are good people. It’s really that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is possible but rare. Perhaps more rare if kids are older when they first meet step parent and if they spend at least half their time not in the same house as the step parent.

agree.

and i’m confused as to why people are conflating adopting a baby/child with becoming a stepparent.

It’s not the same thing and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Step parents do not. Children of step mothers are less likely to be taken to the doctor and experience more neglect. Children of step fathers are more likely to be sexually or physically abused

[Anonymous]

In my personal experience as a child (teen) of divorce? No. No way.

My step parent was very deception and within a couple of years suceeded in driving a big wedge between her new DH and his 3 children (child, teen, college student). She did not have children (they eventually had 1 of their own) and made sure to cut every corner with us. I applaid those who consider and treat their SO's former family as part of their own and consider them bonus children. Bless you!

[Anonymous]

My mom remarried and he adopted me and I have never once felt like he wasn't my dad. They had two kids after me too, and I never was treated or felt different.

My stepdad (I never call him that, just dad) is my rock, and I can't imagine not having him in my life. I can promise you, real men are out there, they can step up and, can love your kid.

Now, he is the best granddad ever!

My bio father is the biggest loser and I rarely speak to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step parents do not. Children of step mothers are less likely to be taken to the doctor and experience more neglect. Children of step fathers are more likely to be sexually or physically abused

If you say so....

But, I can tell you from my own experience, my stepdaughter's mom is a deadbeat and the judge gave us full custody 15 years ago - she is now 21 and we are so proud of her. We could never count on her mom, she never showed up when she said she would, her boyfriends always came first, her house was not fit for anyone to live in. Let's just say, I love my "step" daughter with all my heart and she calls me MOM and I have never once called her stepdaughter. I also let her choose what to call me. Bottom line.... I have never missed a play, a game, a parent/teacher conference, etc. I took her on her first date, I was there when she got her first period, I was there when her first boyfriend broke her heart. I took her to prom. We paid for college, her mother has never spent a dime on her daughter....

Now, her mom is better and wants to be in her life but she tells her no, I have my mom. So, I think, yes you can love your stepchild as your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents do not. Children of step mothers are less likely to be taken to the doctor and experience more neglect. Children of step fathers are more likely to be sexually or physically abused

If you say so....

But, I can tell you from my own experience, my stepdaughter's mom is a deadbeat and the judge gave us full custody 15 years ago - she is now 21 and we are so proud of her. We could never count on her mom, she never showed up when she said she would, her boyfriends always came first, her house was not fit for anyone to live in. Let's just say, I love my "step" daughter with all my heart and she calls me MOM and I have never once called her stepdaughter. I also let her choose what to call me. Bottom line.... I have never missed a play, a game, a parent/teacher conference, etc. I took her on her first date, I was there when she got her first period, I was there when her first boyfriend broke her heart. I took her to prom. We paid for college, her mother has never spent a dime on her daughter....

Now, her mom is better and wants to be in her life but she tells her no, I have my mom. So, I think, yes you can love your stepchild as your own.

Do we share the same "ex-wife"? My stepdaughter's mother was/is much the same. So much so that when my husband died when SD was 14, I was awarded full guardianship without question. I have two younger children and they all live as full siblings. I've never differentiated with care and love, taught her to drive, took her to activities, took care of health needs, listened to and addressed her teenage angst, which coupled with grief was not an insubstantial event. All the things I've done with her I've done with my other kids. I guess I could see it being different with children who have a functional and loving biological parent, but that was not the case here.

[Anonymous]

No
You love your own biological kids above all else

[Anonymous]

Absolutely they can. Many adoptive parents go "over the top" with love for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents do not. Children of step mothers are less likely to be taken to the doctor and experience more neglect. Children of step fathers are more likely to be sexually or physically abused

If you say so....

But, I can tell you from my own experience, my stepdaughter's mom is a deadbeat and the judge gave us full custody 15 years ago - she is now 21 and we are so proud of her. We could never count on her mom, she never showed up when she said she would, her boyfriends always came first, her house was not fit for anyone to live in. Let's just say, I love my "step" daughter with all my heart and she calls me MOM and I have never once called her stepdaughter. I also let her choose what to call me. Bottom line.... I have never missed a play, a game, a parent/teacher conference, etc. I took her on her first date, I was there when she got her first period, I was there when her first boyfriend broke her heart. I took her to prom. We paid for college, her mother has never spent a dime on her daughter....

Now, her mom is better and wants to be in her life but she tells her no, I have my mom. So, I think, yes you can love your stepchild as your own.

Do we share the same "ex-wife"? My stepdaughter's mother was/is much the same. So much so that when my husband died when SD was 14, I was awarded full guardianship without question. I have two younger children and they all live as full siblings. I've never differentiated with care and love, taught her to drive, took her to activities, took care of health needs, listened to and addressed her teenage angst, which coupled with grief was not an insubstantial event. All the things I've done with her I've done with my other kids. I guess I could see it being different with children who have a functional and loving biological parent, but that was not the case here.

Just because you have done all those things doesn’t mean you love her as much as you love your kids.

I have an extremely dysfunctional mother (better than the moms you’re talking about though) and a stepmother who took far better care of us than my mom did. I know my mom didn’t give me the love I deserved. But she definitely loved me more than my stepmom loved me. My mom gave me every last drop of love that she could. She sacrificed so much for her children. My stepmom did the basics; she sort of went through the motions. I’m so grateful to her for doing those basics because even the basics are hard, but there was no question she loves my half sister more.

I do believe a step parent can love their step children as strongly as they love their own children (although it’s extremely rate), but I think that there is more to parental love than performing the basic duties of a parent. Even bad moms can give their children a lot of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents do not. Children of step mothers are less likely to be taken to the doctor and experience more neglect. Children of step fathers are more likely to be sexually or physically abused

If you say so....

But, I can tell you from my own experience, my stepdaughter's mom is a deadbeat and the judge gave us full custody 15 years ago - she is now 21 and we are so proud of her. We could never count on her mom, she never showed up when she said she would, her boyfriends always came first, her house was not fit for anyone to live in. Let's just say, I love my "step" daughter with all my heart and she calls me MOM and I have never once called her stepdaughter. I also let her choose what to call me. Bottom line.... I have never missed a play, a game, a parent/teacher conference, etc. I took her on her first date, I was there when she got her first period, I was there when her first boyfriend broke her heart. I took her to prom. We paid for college, her mother has never spent a dime on her daughter....

Now, her mom is better and wants to be in her life but she tells her no, I have my mom. So, I think, yes you can love your stepchild as your own.

Do we share the same "ex-wife"? My stepdaughter's mother was/is much the same. So much so that when my husband died when SD was 14, I was awarded full guardianship without question. I have two younger children and they all live as full siblings. I've never differentiated with care and love, taught her to drive, took her to activities, took care of health needs, listened to and addressed her teenage angst, which coupled with grief was not an insubstantial event. All the things I've done with her I've done with my other kids. I guess I could see it being different with children who have a functional and loving biological parent, but that was not the case here.

Just because you have done all those things doesn’t mean you love her as much as you love your kids.

I have an extremely dysfunctional mother (better than the moms you’re talking about though) and a stepmother who took far better care of us than my mom did. I know my mom didn’t give me the love I deserved. But she definitely loved me more than my stepmom loved me. My mom gave me every last drop of love that she could. She sacrificed so much for her children. My stepmom did the basics; she sort of went through the motions. I’m so grateful to her for doing those basics because even the basics are hard, but there was no question she loves my half sister more.

I do believe a step parent can love their step children as strongly as they love their own children (although it’s extremely rate), but I think that there is more to parental love than performing the basic duties of a parent. Even bad moms can give their children a lot of love.

I get this and I do understand what you are saying. But, for me it wasn't just "basic" duties, plus her dad and my husband was an equal partner on those basic duties. For example, when we all did family therapy - me, her, her mother, and her father/my husband - she sat next to me, she wanted my hugs and my love. Her father and I were everything to her during a very tough time, and her mom didn't help, she just made it so much worse because she put her needs before her daughters...bottom line is that we never let her down. I also was in awe of my husband...he always took the high road and we didn't bad mouth her mom in our home. Her mom just wanted to score points, we were just putting his/our daughter first. That is how you will always come out on top in these blended family situations. It isn't about the adults...kids ALWAYS come first.

Also, she always knew if her dad were to not be around that I will still be there for her - whatever that role be. She calls me mom, I let her, and she calls her bio mom by her first name. I am not proud of this...I would have given anything on the nights she cried about her mom that her mom would have been there to console her and love her, and give her the foundation and trust she needed, esp. in the teenage years. Let me just say, she treated me like I was her mom...we had intense arguments and intense moments of joy.

I just want to say we stepmoms are out there and we can love kids that did not come out of our birth canal just as much as we love the ones that did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

No, but they are not the same as having their own biological children. I had someone tell me that he adopted his wife’s child but when his own came along, it was different. Sorry, it is just that way.

100% wrong, based upon the parents I know who have both biological children and children who came into their families through adoption.

Your friend sounds like a defective father. I feel bad for all of his children.

+1
My cousin married a woman with kids from a previous marriage, and they then had a child together. He loves all three to pieces and doesn't draw a distinction based on whose genetic material they share. I do think that it can matter whether the other parent is still alive, because it can just be harder for a step-parent to inhabit the parent role if the child still has two living, involved parents. But if you think that a parent can't love their non-biological children just as much as biological children, that's a defect in you and your imagination, not an actual fact.