When you have family in town, do you pay for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

DH thinks it ridiculous that we pay every time. I am more than happy to pay because we usually suggest the restaurants. I don’t want to spring a $400 tab on someone who may have been A ok with going to Olive Garden. Even if they pick a place, I usually intend to pick up the tab.

In laws are in town and this weekend, we have spent about $1000. DH thinks that’s outlandish but it also included groceries for them in the house and their Ubers.

I am on your side here.

I think it’s really important to maintain family relationships, and thar can require burdensome travel. If somebody makes a big effort to see me, the least I can do is pay for as much of their stay as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we visit MIL and SIL, we pay for all meals we have with them (we stay in a hotel). MIL has way more money than we do but she likes it when others pay.

We pay for everything both ways.

Super wealthy in laws- we pay
Low income MiL- we pay for everything for her, plane tickets to a cup of tea at Starbucks
Mother - we pay for everything

[Anonymous]

This is so family and culture specific, there isn't one right or wrong answer OP.

My DH is from another country in Europe, over there it is customary for a guest to bring the host a gift, and to offer to pay for at least one nice meal out as a thank you to the host for staying with them. But it is also customary to be expected to open up your home to any relative no matter how distance so they can basically use your house like a hotel. When we first moved to DC, we were inundated with requests to "visit us" when all they wanted was a free place to stay.

My ILs are divorced. My FIL will never ever pay, even though he has money, and no matter whether we are visiting him or he is visiting us. My MIL always tries to pay and is overly generous, complete opposite, and she has less money. My DH is very prideful, so he wants to always pay because he is proud of his career and financial security. So these are several varieties of the same culture.

My parents, who are terrible with money, try to pay but I know they cannot afford most things so I usually insist I pay. My siblings not only never pay, but also have started asking for extra money from me to pay their bills (Ive said no). So be careful.

[Anonymous]

In my family, a lot depends on financial circumstances, which have varied over time. Once my Dad (who has tons of money) got so tired of paying for things that he insisted we go to one of those all-inclusive resorts in Punta Cana. The travel was expensive (and we each pay for our own travel) and one brother couldn't swing the trip and Dad refused to pay (my mother paid, I think, under the table). We all loved it--everything was included! This worked well for the teenagers, who always needed money for food or another hoodie.
Now we visit my parents, separately, and we each pay for ourselves. Same brother can rarely afford to travel to the DC area from where he lives (abroad), so my mother subsidizes him. This annoys my sister.
I've found it best to talk in advance about who pays for what, when. It can be a difficult conversation at first, but it's worthwhile. And there are often unexpected expenses, too.
My siblings have different dietary needs/allergies so eating at home is difficult. Not impossible, but challenging.
The important thing is to make whoever is paying or cooking feel appreciated. We are still working on this.
Frankly, it's encouraging to know others struggle with these issues as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

WASPS, not EE first- or -second generation American. I can’t see my Italian-American friends making everyone pay either. Just wanted to clear that up.

Yes, you are quite correct. I have seen Greek, Italians and Jewish families being close knit, hospitable and inclusive. They are also quite generous to their family and friends and I don't think they make everyone pay either.

What’s it called when my white husband fights my white father for who can pay if we’re eating out?

You getting your fee fees hurt that you're not allowed to be a victim of racism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

So you are saying that you generously provide for your guests, but they pay you back when they leave. That's not really any different than going Dutch, except it is a ritualistic way of pretending that you aren't.

This. It’s exactly the same. Also if Asians visit their family and then their family pays for them, it evens out also. I find the notion that Whites are all individualistic (euphemism for selfish) very offensive. So PP needs to stop propagating this nonsense. Each person and each family is different.

And I think it is probably kind of pointless to say that all White people or all Asians do something because there are a lot of them, and the fact that this thread exists testifies to the fact that not everyone does things the same way.

This. It’s exactly the same. Also if Asians visit their family and then their family pays for them, it evens out also. I find the notion that Whites are all individualistic (euphemism for selfish) very offensive. So PP needs to stop propagating this nonsense. Each person and each family is different.

Lmao

I am a NP but you realize you just said "White people aren't individualistic! Now let's treat every individual as a separate case and not part of any larger culture."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

So you are saying that you generously provide for your guests, but they pay you back when they leave. That's not really any different than going Dutch, except it is a ritualistic way of pretending that you aren't.

And I think it is probably kind of pointless to say that all White people or all Asians do something because there are a lot of them, and the fact that this thread exists testifies to the fact that not everyone does things the same way.

It's different from "going Dutch" IN THAT there is a performance of reciprocity that makes people feel both generous and taken care of. I mean, it's all the same as each person buying their own meals-- why not do that? Why even take turns visiting one another at all?

[Anonymous]

I don't believe the Asian posters here ever let someone pay for them without a fight. Everyone knows the "I am just going to the bathroom" trick to get the bill first, but the key is to call ahead and buy the restaurant.

--White lady married to a SE Asian man

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

DH thinks it ridiculous that we pay every time. I am more than happy to pay because we usually suggest the restaurants. I don’t want to spring a $400 tab on someone who may have been A ok with going to Olive Garden. Even if they pick a place, I usually intend to pick up the tab.

In laws are in town and this weekend, we have spent about $1000. DH thinks that’s outlandish but it also included groceries for them in the house and their Ubers.

I completely agree with you. The two of you are the hosts. Of course the hosts pay for things like dinner out at a restaurant (especially as in your example). I don't think it matters if the people you are hosting are family members or non-family members; the hosts still pay for excursions and meals. If the guests want to pay for something, then you can decide if you will accept their offer or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the Asian posters here ever let someone pay for them without a fight. Everyone knows the "I am just going to the bathroom" trick to get the bill first, but the key is to call ahead and buy the restaurant.

--White lady married to a SE Asian man

Love that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

WASPS, not EE first- or -second generation American. I can’t see my Italian-American friends making everyone pay either. Just wanted to clear that up.

Yes, you are quite correct. I have seen Greek, Italians and Jewish families being close knit, hospitable and inclusive. They are also quite generous to their family and friends and I don't think they make everyone pay either.

What’s it called when my white husband fights my white father for who can pay if we’re eating out?

Call ahead and buy the restaurant.

[Anonymous]

We don’t even pay for our kids when they come to town.

[Anonymous]

Make your adult sons family always pay. Whether here or there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such as dinners out, movies etc?

No.

Maybe if they’re never around and come for a weekend. But not if long stays or frequent ones.