When you have family in town, do you pay for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

DH thinks it ridiculous that we pay every time. I am more than happy to pay because we usually suggest the restaurants. I don’t want to spring a $400 tab on someone who may have been A ok with going to Olive Garden. Even if they pick a place, I usually intend to pick up the tab.

In laws are in town and this weekend, we have spent about $1000. DH thinks that’s outlandish but it also included groceries for them in the house and their Ubers.

Ok, I agree that if we choose a restaurant that our visiting family wouldn't normally pick, then we'd pick up the tab. But our family would also try to reciprocate in some ways and not expect us to pick up all the tabs.

This is your H's parents, and presumably he knows his family dynamic better. If he thinks it's excessive, then maybe he has a point. I'd take his input into consideration too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

[Anonymous]

Depends. Kids- yes. Family members-- depends on the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

[Anonymous]

No. We stopped going out for these visits too as we were expected to pay even when we were very young making roughly $35k each. We were shocked the first time ILs came and suggested an expensive restaurant they wanted to try and then made no move to pay. We could have covered our half by pinching pennies the rest of the month, but the full bill wiped out our budget for that month and the next. ILs have lots of money. When we turned around and visited them, same thing happened. After that we stopped going out. Even if we order in pizza one night because they’ve been here 3 weeks and I just can’t with their preferences/eating habits for another night, they never move to help.

My parents mostly prefer to eat at home and my mom will split cooking duties with me both at their house and ours. The person who wants to go out pays, both at their house and our house.

[Anonymous]

We pay for everything when we host, my parents pay for everything when they host, and MIL is on a tigher budget and doesn't enjoy eating out, so when we visit she cooks and DH and I also cook and bring in groceries which we are happy to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who it is. My parents visiting, yes, we will pay for restaurants and such.

My sister, nah, we can split although perhaps we get one dinner.

+1 If it's my parents or my inlaws, then DH and I are paying for everything we do. If my siblings are visiting, then we typically take turns for who pays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

So you are saying that you generously provide for your guests, but they pay you back when they leave. That's not really any different than going Dutch, except it is a ritualistic way of pretending that you aren't.

And I think it is probably kind of pointless to say that all White people or all Asians do something because there are a lot of them, and the fact that this thread exists testifies to the fact that not everyone does things the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

So you are saying that you generously provide for your guests, but they pay you back when they leave. That's not really any different than going Dutch, except it is a ritualistic way of pretending that you aren't.

This. It’s exactly the same. Also if Asians visit their family and then their family pays for them, it evens out also. I find the notion that Whites are all individualistic (euphemism for selfish) very offensive. So PP needs to stop propagating this nonsense. Each person and each family is different.

And I think it is probably kind of pointless to say that all White people or all Asians do something because there are a lot of them, and the fact that this thread exists testifies to the fact that not everyone does things the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

So you are saying that you generously provide for your guests, but they pay you back when they leave. That's not really any different than going Dutch, except it is a ritualistic way of pretending that you aren't.

This. It’s exactly the same. Also if Asians visit their family and then their family pays for them, it evens out also. I find the notion that Whites are all individualistic (euphemism for selfish) very offensive. So PP needs to stop propagating this nonsense. Each person and each family is different.

And I think it is probably kind of pointless to say that all White people or all Asians do something because there are a lot of them, and the fact that this thread exists testifies to the fact that not everyone does things the same way.

This. It’s exactly the same. Also if Asians visit their family and then their family pays for them, it evens out also. I find the notion that Whites are all individualistic (euphemism for selfish) very offensive. So PP needs to stop propagating this nonsense. Each person and each family is different.

[Anonymous]

Both sets of parents try to pay for everything no matter who is the host or visitor. But we usually succeed in wrestling a check out of their hands or getting to the register first about half the time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but they don’t appreciate it. I put my mom and stepdad up in luxury hotels and they always complain and refuse to eat the five star food. They prefer that I cook and deliver home cooked meals to them.

[Anonymous]

The only one that really visits me is my dad, and I pay for him because my parents have no money. When I visit them, I buy my own groceries and pay for them if we go out, or once in a while they’ll treat, but I hate for them to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

WASPS, not EE first- or -second generation American. I can’t see my Italian-American friends making everyone pay either. Just wanted to clear that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

WASPS, not EE first- or -second generation American. I can’t see my Italian-American friends making everyone pay either. Just wanted to clear that up.

Yes, you are quite correct. I have seen Greek, Italians and Jewish families being close knit, hospitable and inclusive. They are also quite generous to their family and friends and I don't think they make everyone pay either.