When you have family in town, do you pay for everything?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Absolutely. Family or friends. You come to our town and meet us, we are paying. If you are staying with us, we pay for your meals, entertainment and transportation when you are with us. If you are going to meet your friends without us, while staying in our house, or shopping then you pay for your expenditure. Isn't this what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Of course we offer to. But nobody staying with us ever allows that. They always insist on paying for some things.

[Anonymous]

Actually, White people do not care for their family ties too much. It is the way it is.

paying =/= caring

[Anonymous]

No. Nor do I ever expect anyone else to pay when I'm visiting.

When I go to NYC, where my brother lives, and we go out for dinner, then that is exactly it - we GO OUT FOR DINNER TOGETHER, not THEY ARE HOSTING US.

I don't have to prove my love and respect to my family by picking up a tab.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

No. I will make feed them and make sure I have plenty of food here so they can feed themselves but I am not financially able to feed whole families along with mine at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

Asians burden their children physically, emotionally and financially with their elder care, creating suppressed resentment, under the guise of maintaining a "close knit" family.

^^^ I don't believe that but see how that works? Maybe it's better not to generalize in a way that demeans others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay for 95% of everything when my family visits us, when we visit them, or when we vacation together. My family is poor and I am not (anymore).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such as dinners out, movies etc?

No

Split it. Or take turns.

Any family houseguest we have usually offers to buy us a Thank You meal out and if they’re at our place for longer than a week and staying in a lot, they do their own grocery run, and pay for it.

Similarly if we are houseguesting at Ils or my parents home for longer than a few days, we cook a meal, take them out, buy our food particulars for us and the kids ourselves.

We do more vacations at hotels or resorts than houseguesting vacations. My spouse grew up in a fmaily that never vacations, only visited and stayed as hisueguests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I will make feed them and make sure I have plenty of food here so they can feed themselves but I am not financially able to feed whole families along with mine at a restaurant.

This. We are probably already stretched stocking the kitchen. Which is why we primarily eat at home. If we were well off I’d love to treat more, but that’s not our reality. I do try to pay for our parents as much as possible- but they are also modest in spending. I don’t expect others to pay my way when I visit either, especially if I’m staying with them. I’m generous and hospitable in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

DH thinks it ridiculous that we pay every time. I am more than happy to pay because we usually suggest the restaurants. I don’t want to spring a $400 tab on someone who may have been A ok with going to Olive Garden. Even if they pick a place, I usually intend to pick up the tab.

In laws are in town and this weekend, we have spent about $1000. DH thinks that’s outlandish but it also included groceries for them in the house and their Ubers.

You spent $1000 in a weekend with a houseguest couple on meals??

Are you all heavy drinkers or do appetizers, etc.?

[Anonymous]

You’re paying for peoples ubers to explore DC, etc.?
Or are you going with them?

If you have kids how do you handle needs vs wants and expenses with them? Unlimited asks granted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pay for everything when family visits, whether it's parents/siblings/cousins. And they pay for everything when we visit. I'm Asian, and I've noticed that white families are more likely to go Dutch when dining out, going to the movies, etc.

+ 1
We are Asians too and taking care of our guests is on us and I don't mind. However, whenever my ILs, uncles and aunts, parents visit, while leaving they will give generous cash gifts. So frankly, it all works out and no one is taking advantage of anyone else. Asians are by nature frugal but we treat all guests with warm hospitality and generosity. In fact, reciprocity is very ingrained in us.

I have had to dial back on my cultural norms when I deal with White people because it is an individualistic culture. Earlier, I used to feel hurt that they take, take, take all the time but they never ever reciprocate. Later, I realized that it is just their socialization. They will either take things for free or go dutch. So, it is up to you to get over your hesitation and politeness and be clear about who is paying for what when dealing with them.

+1 I am (East) Asian too but DH is white. I was surprised early on when we were expected to pay for our share, including groceries, when visiting SIL and BIL. We've never had to pay for anything even when visiting distant relatives in my family! Of course, we treat our guests too when they visit. My South Asian and Latinx friends say it's the same way for them.

WASPS, not EE first- or -second generation American. I can’t see my Italian-American friends making everyone pay either. Just wanted to clear that up.

Yes, you are quite correct. I have seen Greek, Italians and Jewish families being close knit, hospitable and inclusive. They are also quite generous to their family and friends and I don't think they make everyone pay either.

What’s it called when my white husband fights my white father for who can pay if we’re eating out?

[Anonymous]

Depends who. For my family or one of my husband's sisters, then no. We typically trade off paying for things or split bills at restaurants. My husband's other sister and mother are not very well off, so yes, we will pay for them. We also buy plane tickets for my mother-in-law to visit my sister-in-law on the west coast. We can afford it and so are happy to do it. For food in the fridge we always pay for it, except for my mom who insists on shopping for herself when she visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Absolutely. Family or friends. You come to our town and meet us, we are paying. If you are staying with us, we pay for your meals, entertainment and transportation when you are with us. If you are going to meet your friends without us, while staying in our house, or shopping then you pay for your expenditure. Isn't this what is normal?

Same here. No brainer for us