I want my husband to "make up" with his parents

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

OP is a spouse, not a mirror. Sometimes her husband will be wrong and do things that negatively impact their kids and vice versa. And it's the spouses job to try to point that out and fix that the best they can.

So, you know better than your spouse? Like he/she is a child? So glad I'm not married to you with the martyr complex.

Btw, the best thing for the kids is for their parents to have a healthy, stable marriage. More important than other family relationships. That is the most important relationship to preserve.

DP I agree with you about marriage. I disagree that the best way to be a loving spouse is to never speak up when he is being a jerk to others. You are a spouse and you are also a friend, and sometimes friends have to say the difficult but honest things you need to hear.

Not in this case. DH is an adult. His lack of relationship with his parents is his choice. There is no guarantee if he had close relationship with his parents they would see the cousins, etc more or have a relationship with them. Most likely there will be no change. OP needs to stop meddling in things she does nit understand.

If I am observing my husband being a jerk to his parents especially if that behavior is in from of my own impressionable children, I will say something to him about it. Privately of course, but I would speak up. And we aren’t just talking about his relationship with his parents, it’s also about his kids’ relationship with them and with their cousins. It’s not all about him.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree there isn’t enough information to tell you whether your husband is right or wrong. You probably won’t get good answers. The MILs that post here will tell you that of course he is wrong. The adult children with difficult parents are going to say of course he is right.

I suggest you look at this through a different lens. It sounds like the extended in laws live far away and visiting requires travel. How expensive is this travel? How much vacation does your husband get each year? Do you work? How much vacation do you have? Your husband may be burnt out from using all his vacation on relatives who you yourself describe as a handful. This isn’t relaxing or enjoyable. Rather than pushing into something that he’s done with doing, have a discussion on what you could try doing again.

My DH really hated hosting Thanksgiving even though I did 90% of the work. He always wanted to travel. I finally realized that his extended family is bonkers and a PITA so agreed to try traveling instead. My kids, DH and I had a fabulous time. It was fun and refreshing. Do a few of those types of vacations and then you all can see if you’re ready to jump back on the trip to see family train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

OP is a spouse, not a mirror. Sometimes her husband will be wrong and do things that negatively impact their kids and vice versa. And it's the spouses job to try to point that out and fix that the best they can.

So, you know better than your spouse? Like he/she is a child? So glad I'm not married to you with the martyr complex.

Btw, the best thing for the kids is for their parents to have a healthy, stable marriage. More important than other family relationships. That is the most important relationship to preserve.

DP I agree with you about marriage. I disagree that the best way to be a loving spouse is to never speak up when he is being a jerk to others. You are a spouse and you are also a friend, and sometimes friends have to say the difficult but honest things you need to hear.

Not in this case. DH is an adult. His lack of relationship with his parents is his choice. There is no guarantee if he had close relationship with his parents they would see the cousins, etc more or have a relationship with them. Most likely there will be no change. OP needs to stop meddling in things she does nit understand.

If I am observing my husband being a jerk to his parents especially if that behavior is in from of my own impressionable children, I will say something to him about it. Privately of course, but I would speak up. And we aren’t just talking about his relationship with his parents, it’s also about his kids’ relationship with them and with their cousins. It’s not all about him.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

Could you imagine being the kids in this family and wanting to see grandma and grandpa before they pass and their cousins? The ones they're restricted from seeing because "dad is being a jerk" per his wife. Women aren't known for being excessively kind about their in-laws...not sure why everyone is gaslighting the OP.

Exactly. I think the answer is that there is one or maybe two really insecure women participating on the thread, you know, the "my MIL is the root of all evil" people, and they cannot lose that skewed perspective. Most of us realize that it is a good thing for our kids to have exposure to their family, including cousins and grandparents, and that sometimes our much beloved spouses need a kick in the seat of the pants about something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

I think that's a DCUM stance when people are complaining about their ILs. I agree with you OP. If your husband is being a jerk, and it's affecting your kids negatively, you're doing something good to try to smooth the waters.

I agree with you both and not the “it’s HIS parents” type of mentality.

Same. They are "our" parents, whether they are my family of origin or my husbands. During Covid, we decided that if "my" parents got sick, my husband would be the one to leave our house to go to them to be their caretaker. That meant that I would still be at home taking care of "his" father, who lives with us. We had our reasons for that decision and it had nothing to do with the biology of our relationships to the people involved. We're in this live together and a member of our family is a member of our family no matter how we're related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

I think that's a DCUM stance when people are complaining about their ILs. I agree with you OP. If your husband is being a jerk, and it's affecting your kids negatively, you're doing something good to try to smooth the waters.

I agree with you both and not the “it’s HIS parents” type of mentality.

Same. They are "our" parents, whether they are my family of origin or my husbands. During Covid, we decided that if "my" parents got sick, my husband would be the one to leave our house to go to them to be their caretaker. That meant that I would still be at home taking care of "his" father, who lives with us. We had our reasons for that decision and it had nothing to do with the biology of our relationships to the people involved. We're in this live together and a member of our family is a member of our family no matter how we're related.

This would s a very weird and enmeshed attitude. If it works for you, have at it but it’s outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

I think that's a DCUM stance when people are complaining about their ILs. I agree with you OP. If your husband is being a jerk, and it's affecting your kids negatively, you're doing something good to try to smooth the waters.

I agree with you both and not the “it’s HIS parents” type of mentality.

Same. They are "our" parents, whether they are my family of origin or my husbands. During Covid, we decided that if "my" parents got sick, my husband would be the one to leave our house to go to them to be their caretaker. That meant that I would still be at home taking care of "his" father, who lives with us. We had our reasons for that decision and it had nothing to do with the biology of our relationships to the people involved. We're in this live together and a member of our family is a member of our family no matter how we're related.

This would s a very weird and enmeshed attitude. If it works for you, have at it but it’s outside the norm.

??? It is weird that they would take care of their parents? That's enmeshed behavior? Wow. You have something wrong with you.

DP