I want my husband to "make up" with his parents

[Anonymous]

I realize the title here is probably controversial, but it's true.

My in-laws (really my MIL) can be a lot, but honestly so can my husband in his interactions with my MIL. In general, they have always been pretty good to us. There's been some tension over a visit last year and my husband is being a little bit of a jerk about it if I'm honest. The ILs aren't perfect either, but they are old now, in their 80's. My kid haven't seen their cousins or one cousin's toddler or new baby in over a year and they want to. I do too. I kind of hate it.

This is not some toxic relationship even if it's not perfect. I want to get this back on track.

I realize that some reactions will be - don't go against your husband and I understand that point of view. But this is family I've known for 20 years now.

If you've been here, what have you done?

[Anonymous]

What does tension with MIL have to do with your kids not seeing their cousins? Sounds like husband has alienated siblings too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does tension with MIL have to do with your kids not seeing their cousins? Sounds like husband has alienated siblings too?

No one is close by - most siblings are up near the ILs.

[Anonymous]

So go visit siblings and skip in laws or invite siblings to visit you.

[Anonymous]

I believe that absent abuse and other certain limitations, a child has the right to get to know and bond with his or her grandparents before they pass away. I would frame it this way to your husband and say it’s not about him at this point, it’s about them, and time is limited. Yes there are some sad situations where this relationship can’t be maintained but that doesn’t seem to have to be the case for your kids if your husband steps out of the way.

[Anonymous]

If they don't meet him halfway, it's impossible to make up. My mother refuses to speak to me, and I have kept trying to build bridges, but she keeps blowing them up, so I finally just gave up. She'll be 75 next week and has an aortic aneurysm, which is the same thing that killed my younger brother and her mother. She'll die without making peace, and I have to live with that, but 50 years of trying to communicate takes a toll on a person. I live a thousand miles away from her, and I'll never see her again. I am so tired....
Build bridges if you can, OP, but learn to accept it if you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So go visit siblings and skip in laws or invite siblings to visit you.

+1 Visit the siblings and skip the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Can you compromise? Stay at a hotel, but visit with everyone? Would your DH be okay with you reaching out to his siblings when you are coordinating a visit?

[Anonymous]

They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

[Anonymous]

My DH has managed the relationship or lack of with his parents (both dead now) and siblings (doesn't speak with them). MIL couldn't be bothered to come see our grandkids but had visited with the other sets of grandkids. My side of the family is the one that is heavily involved so we just focus on that. My kids don't know any different.

So my advice is tread lightly and don't trample on your relationship with DH in the process.

[Anonymous]

My dad gave me good advice when I was trying to be the dutiful DIL (met at 18, married at 23). My husband seemed to have some odd reactions and withdrawal patterns to his folks.

"You're coming in at Chapter 15, you've missed the first 14 chapters."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad gave me good advice when I was trying to be the dutiful DIL (met at 18, married at 23). My husband seemed to have some odd reactions and withdrawal patterns to his folks.

"You're coming in at Chapter 15, you've missed the first 14 chapters."

NP. Ha. I also married early and this is still so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

[Anonymous]

In most situations I think the best thing is to just back your spouse in all in-law related stuff, even if you think they are maybe wrong.

Kids don’t need grandparents. They need healthy, emotionally stable parents. You can have grandparent-y figures with a variety of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe that absent abuse and other certain limitations, a child has the right to get to know and bond with his or her grandparents before they pass away. I would frame it this way to your husband and say it’s not about him at this point, it’s about them, and time is limited. Yes there are some sad situations where this relationship can’t be maintained but that doesn’t seem to have to be the case for your kids if your husband steps out of the way.

I think this is a very good point. It is about your kids and they have a right to have a loving relationship with their grandparents.

I think you're on the right track, OP. The only thing I can say is that my husband's parents were not my favorite people in the world. Growing up, his dad was a well-known womanizer and his mom was very cold; yet, as grandparents, they have been two of the best gifts we could have ever given our kids. My FIL now lives with us (after my MIL died) and I am so thankful for that opportunity so that our kids could really get to know him well. I am grateful to my husband that he allowed the children to have the opportunity to get to know their grandparents and to experience their love.

I think you need to continue to encourage your husband to make up with his parents and to allow your children to experience a loving relationship with them.