I want my husband to "make up" with his parents

[Anonymous]

Would you rather be married to him and uncomfortably distant from them or tight with them and divorced from him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize the title here is probably controversial, but it's true.

My in-laws (really my MIL) can be a lot, but honestly so can my husband in his interactions with my MIL. In general, they have always been pretty good to us. There's been some tension over a visit last year and my husband is being a little bit of a jerk about it if I'm honest. The ILs aren't perfect either, but they are old now, in their 80's. My kid haven't seen their cousins or one cousin's toddler or new baby in over a year and they want to. I do too. I kind of hate it.

This is not some toxic relationship even if it's not perfect. I want to get this back on track.

I realize that some reactions will be - don't go against your husband and I understand that point of view. But this is family I've known for 20 years now.

If you've been here, what have you done?

First you are a great DIL. I mean that. Have you spoken to your dh? Start from the basic fact we are all human and are not perfect. If not, tell him you want to see them and that you plan to and hope that he joins you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you rather be married to him and uncomfortably distant from them or tight with them and divorced from him?

why does it have to be either or?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I disagree. If op likes them why can't see visit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I disagree. If op likes them why can't see visit them?

Because it's interfering with his relationship. Because it's shitty to not support your spouse. Because she doesn't have the lived experience of all the interactions from his childhood for context.

If anything, she should say something gently directly to him, but never go around his back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I disagree. If op likes them why can't see visit them?

Because it's interfering with his relationship. Because it's shitty to not support your spouse. Because she doesn't have the lived experience of all the interactions from his childhood for context.

If anything, she should say something gently directly to him, but never go around his back.

OP here. I don't plan to go around his back - at all.

Thanks to everyone for their responses. One thing I will say is that the family dynamic, the location of (almost) all the in-laws, and how gatherings are planned means that it's really everyone getting together. Visiting DH's siblings without also visiting the in-laws a couple of miles away from them would be a HUGE snub and would elevate this to a much higher level of conflict.

I'm thinking of inviting everyone to our house for Thanksgiving/pitching that to my husband. The old "to have a friend you have to be a friend" philosophy from my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize the title here is probably controversial, but it's true.

My in-laws (really my MIL) can be a lot, but honestly so can my husband in his interactions with my MIL. In general, they have always been pretty good to us. There's been some tension over a visit last year and my husband is being a little bit of a jerk about it if I'm honest. The ILs aren't perfect either, but they are old now, in their 80's. My kid haven't seen their cousins or one cousin's toddler or new baby in over a year and they want to. I do too. I kind of hate it.

This is not some toxic relationship even if it's not perfect. I want to get this back on track.

I realize that some reactions will be - don't go against your husband and I understand that point of view. But this is family I've known for 20 years now.

If you've been here, what have you done?

First you are a great DIL. I mean that. Have you spoken to your dh? Start from the basic fact we are all human and are not perfect. If not, tell him you want to see them and that you plan to and hope that he joins you.

This is such a nice thing to say. Thank you.

I am going to speak to my husband. And your idea of making this general and not about anyone's behaviors is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you are invested in the Norman Rockwell image of glorious large family gatherings or you like drama or you have your own psych issues looking to please parental figures. This is fine but you can’t put what you imagine or your own such issues over your spouse. He doesn’t want to deal with his mother’s behavior. Don’t be pushy and try to manipulate putting him back in that situation.

My advice is to leave it alone and embrace enjoying your nuclear family. Small holidays can be wonderful. Developing a network of friends with kids that get along with your kids is wonderful! Once you have this, you’ll realize that extended family gatherings with people behaving badly and rudely to each other are not something to envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

I think that's a DCUM stance when people are complaining about their ILs. I agree with you OP. If your husband is being a jerk, and it's affecting your kids negatively, you're doing something good to try to smooth the waters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So go visit siblings and skip in laws or invite siblings to visit you.

+1 Visit the siblings and skip the MIL.

Ok that’s horrible. Do not do this, OP. Tell your DH you want to make up with his parents. And then reach out to them. Even if he isn’t thrilled, he can’t tell you what to do. I think your instinct is exactly right. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad gave me good advice when I was trying to be the dutiful DIL (met at 18, married at 23). My husband seemed to have some odd reactions and withdrawal patterns to his folks.

"You're coming in at Chapter 15, you've missed the first 14 chapters."

This is great advice! OP, you have no idea what has happened in the past. Forcing this will make your husband not trust you and you likely will never hear the full details. I found out some really awful things about my dh's childhood years after we married, including incest. He tried to play the Norman Rockwell childhood at first.

[Anonymous]

#1 Talk to your husband. I would do nothing without his permission/blessing.
#2 Stay at a hotel because then you always have a way out if the situation becomes stressful. And only visit for a weekend.
#3 Go slowly. Inviting EVERYONE for Thanksgiving is too much too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad gave me good advice when I was trying to be the dutiful DIL (met at 18, married at 23). My husband seemed to have some odd reactions and withdrawal patterns to his folks.

"You're coming in at Chapter 15, you've missed the first 14 chapters."

I love this like. NP and DH has been telling me recently a lot how he has been surprised how my parents are acting about something. To me, it’s not surprising at all and pretty typical. He’s upset and offended at their emotional distance towards our kids. I’m not because it’s typical. I told him that I know them differently since I grew up with them. I’ve also been married for 25 years but he didn’t experience life with them through the teen and tween years.

Let your DH take the lead, OP. It’s his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you rather be married to him and uncomfortably distant from them or tight with them and divorced from him?

+1

You have some serious issues that you can’t support your husband on this, even though you may not understand. Rethink your priorities, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are HIS parents. It is HIS relationship to manage. Back off.

I know this is the popular DCUM stance, but I disagree. It’s OUR family. I could have written the original post. It’s really the only thing about DH I don’t like. He could have a better relationship with his parents, but I think he chooses not to. I want a relationship so i chose to make plans so we spend holidays together (for the cousins), I think of his parents like I think of my own. It’s not toxic or abusive, so I have no issues about just doing what I think is right despite his limited interest in being with his family.

I think that's a DCUM stance when people are complaining about their ILs. I agree with you OP. If your husband is being a jerk, and it's affecting your kids negatively, you're doing something good to try to smooth the waters.

I agree with you both and not the “it’s HIS parents” type of mentality.