I just don’t have the stamina for houseguests anymore

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After a few years of no visitors due to COVID, we’re back to being the family destination for the Fourth because everyone wants to visit for the fireworks, etc. I love my family but I find that I no longer have the stamina, patience, energy or even tolerance for houseguests. [Insert comments about how horrible I am here, and how people will die someday, etc. I know.]

I just no longer want to cook, clean, and play concierge to every visiting relative of mine and of my husband’s, especially when it comes to picky eaters, high-maintenance people, whiny teens, etc. I’ve lost any joy I ever had in hosting, and after the break COVID gave me for holidays, etc., I just don’t know how to get it back.

What about letting them stay but making it clear they're on their own for entertainment, transportation etc.? As for food, buy some things in bulk, let them know they can help themselves, or order takeout from menus you leave for them. Or ask for a new volunteer to man the grill each night.

I laugh whenever I see posts like this. Such a tough girl! There's no way the author would ever talk to family like that in real life.

NP. I’ve agreed to let people stay with me even though the timing wasn’t ideal for me—such as when they want to visit for X event they wanted to go to, but it happened to be a super busy time at work, or when we had different plans that weekend. I say you are welcome, it will be great to see you, but the timing happens to be tricky, so I’ll have clean sheets and towels but you’re on your own for dining and plans, etc. They say thank you, we won’t be any trouble, we can make dinner on Thursday night or whatever. Seems to be great. We do like hosting when our schedules allow, but when people essentially want to use our place as a home base while they really are in town for a concert or a show at the Kennedy Center or whatnot, they are more than fine making their own breakfast instead of paying exorbitant hotel fees. What’s “tough girl” about saying sure you can crash here, but I can’t be a great hostess because that’s the same time as a big board meeting?

It's 4th of July weekend. Your reasoning doesn't apply. OP hasn't said she has any "timing isn't ideal" problems other than she just plain doesn't feel like doing it.

I’ll go slow so you can follow.

A) Someone suggested agreeing to let them stay but making it clear you can’t be in hostess with the mostess mode. [P.S. You don’t need to have a reason, especially when people are actively *asking to stay with you,* as is clearly the case with people asking to stay with OP for the Fourth—she is not inviting them]

B) You rudely did your “tough girl” bit

C) I made the point that this very dynamic has worked well for me from life experience, a point you can’t seem to reasonably argue against, which clearly makes you angry.

If OP were inviting people to stay and then complained about it? Yeah that would be fair game to tell her to suck it up and do her best. But it sounds like people want to visit her for the Fourth as a DC-area freebie hotel. Saying yes to that in any form or fashion is going above and beyond for friends and family, and she’s allowed to say yes but privately be a bit tired of it all. I know from experience that having a DC condo gets to be a bit much with people asking to visit for holidays, vacations, inauguration, etc.

She said they're family. Not friends. You accommodate family.

Oh, I get it. You’re Cousin Larla from Bumblefuch, who expects to show up and park your double-wide arse on a big city couch a few times a year for free so you can watch them fireworks!

Nope. I've lived in the DC area for decades. But I'd be happy to host Cousin Larla once a damned year, yea, and I wouldn't judge her for not coming from as cool of a place as you live. A DC condo is all you can afford?

Oh honey, just a DC condo and a house in VA and our townhouse in Boston that we rent. But you sure did try it! I really do pray that whatever is eating your soul today gets better. Have you been drinking heavily, and it’s barely even 5? Tsk tsk.

I just knew it. You're sitting in bland suburban hellish NoVA (having abandoned DC when you had kids because you couldn't possibly send them to school with "those" kids) and here you are making fun of Cousin Larla. So typical.

How did I “abandon DC” when we still have a condo there? I mean, I get that you have one home only, but that’s you.

Ha ha, so I pegged you right, didn't I? You fled to the 'burbs with your precious!

If you must know, we also have three homes. Yes, "homes." Not condos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a few years of no visitors due to COVID, we’re back to being the family destination for the Fourth because everyone wants to visit for the fireworks, etc. I love my family but I find that I no longer have the stamina, patience, energy or even tolerance for houseguests. [Insert comments about how horrible I am here, and how people will die someday, etc. I know.]

I just no longer want to cook, clean, and play concierge to every visiting relative of mine and of my husband’s, especially when it comes to picky eaters, high-maintenance people, whiny teens, etc. I’ve lost any joy I ever had in hosting, and after the break COVID gave me for holidays, etc., I just don’t know how to get it back.

Did you invite any houseguests? People don’t just get to invite themselves for overnight stays. Tell everyone you have a prior engagement, but you hope they have a happy Independence Day. Or check out their small town fireworks displays because you want to “get out of the city.” They can host you.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a good hostess, and after learning that about myself stopped inviting people over. If people expect to stay with you rather than stress I'd send out a pre-emptive email saying you would love to see people over the holiday weekend but won't be able to host them, and here are list of various hotels in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a few years of no visitors due to COVID, we’re back to being the family destination for the Fourth because everyone wants to visit for the fireworks, etc. I love my family but I find that I no longer have the stamina, patience, energy or even tolerance for houseguests. [Insert comments about how horrible I am here, and how people will die someday, etc. I know.]

I just no longer want to cook, clean, and play concierge to every visiting relative of mine and of my husband’s, especially when it comes to picky eaters, high-maintenance people, whiny teens, etc. I’ve lost any joy I ever had in hosting, and after the break COVID gave me for holidays, etc., I just don’t know how to get it back.

Did you invite any houseguests? People don’t just get to invite themselves for overnight stays. Tell everyone you have a prior engagement, but you hope they have a happy Independence Day. Or check out their small town fireworks displays because you want to “get out of the city.” They can host you.

This is a great idea -- lie! Tell them the day before the weekend that they can't come!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a good hostess, and after learning that about myself stopped inviting people over. If people expect to stay with you rather than stress I'd send out a pre-emptive email saying you would love to see people over the holiday weekend but won't be able to host them, and here are list of various hotels in the area.

Tell them that on June 30? Like the other poster, you're a real peach.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. I used to enjoy planning parties and coming up with a theme or menu. I enjoyed having people over. Now I just don’t have the energy, I feel like I’m just getting old.

[Anonymous]

I don’t host. With all the downsides of being an adult, one upside is you get to decide what your boundaries are.

It isn’t selfish. No one is entitled to a stay at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a good hostess, and after learning that about myself stopped inviting people over. If people expect to stay with you rather than stress I'd send out a pre-emptive email saying you would love to see people over the holiday weekend but won't be able to host them, and here are list of various hotels in the area.

Tell them that on June 30? Like the other poster, you're a real peach.

Well, nobody should think they're coming if they weren't invited. If they were and now OP has changed her mind she may need to rally and suck it up for just this last time.

[Anonymous]

I used to love having people over but my introverted nature has only become more intense since Covid. I totally get where the OP is coming from.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After a few years of no visitors due to COVID, we’re back to being the family destination for the Fourth because everyone wants to visit for the fireworks, etc. I love my family but I find that I no longer have the stamina, patience, energy or even tolerance for houseguests. [Insert comments about how horrible I am here, and how people will die someday, etc. I know.]

I just no longer want to cook, clean, and play concierge to every visiting relative of mine and of my husband’s, especially when it comes to picky eaters, high-maintenance people, whiny teens, etc. I’ve lost any joy I ever had in hosting, and after the break COVID gave me for holidays, etc., I just don’t know how to get it back.

What about letting them stay but making it clear they're on their own for entertainment, transportation etc.? As for food, buy some things in bulk, let them know they can help themselves, or order takeout from menus you leave for them. Or ask for a new volunteer to man the grill each night.

I laugh whenever I see posts like this. Such a tough girl! There's no way the author would ever talk to family like that in real life.

NP. I’ve agreed to let people stay with me even though the timing wasn’t ideal for me—such as when they want to visit for X event they wanted to go to, but it happened to be a super busy time at work, or when we had different plans that weekend. I say you are welcome, it will be great to see you, but the timing happens to be tricky, so I’ll have clean sheets and towels but you’re on your own for dining and plans, etc. They say thank you, we won’t be any trouble, we can make dinner on Thursday night or whatever. Seems to be great. We do like hosting when our schedules allow, but when people essentially want to use our place as a home base while they really are in town for a concert or a show at the Kennedy Center or whatnot, they are more than fine making their own breakfast instead of paying exorbitant hotel fees. What’s “tough girl” about saying sure you can crash here, but I can’t be a great hostess because that’s the same time as a big board meeting?

It's 4th of July weekend. Your reasoning doesn't apply. OP hasn't said she has any "timing isn't ideal" problems other than she just plain doesn't feel like doing it.

I’ll go slow so you can follow.

A) Someone suggested agreeing to let them stay but making it clear you can’t be in hostess with the mostess mode. [P.S. You don’t need to have a reason, especially when people are actively *asking to stay with you,* as is clearly the case with people asking to stay with OP for the Fourth—she is not inviting them]

B) You rudely did your “tough girl” bit

C) I made the point that this very dynamic has worked well for me from life experience, a point you can’t seem to reasonably argue against, which clearly makes you angry.

If OP were inviting people to stay and then complained about it? Yeah that would be fair game to tell her to suck it up and do her best. But it sounds like people want to visit her for the Fourth as a DC-area freebie hotel. Saying yes to that in any form or fashion is going above and beyond for friends and family, and she’s allowed to say yes but privately be a bit tired of it all. I know from experience that having a DC condo gets to be a bit much with people asking to visit for holidays, vacations, inauguration, etc.

She said they're family. Not friends. You accommodate family.

Oh, I get it. You’re Cousin Larla from Bumblefuch, who expects to show up and park your double-wide arse on a big city couch a few times a year for free so you can watch them fireworks!

Nope. I've lived in the DC area for decades. But I'd be happy to host Cousin Larla once a damned year, yea, and I wouldn't judge her for not coming from as cool of a place as you live. A DC condo is all you can afford?

Oh honey, just a DC condo and a house in VA and our townhouse in Boston that we rent. But you sure did try it! I really do pray that whatever is eating your soul today gets better. Have you been drinking heavily, and it’s barely even 5? Tsk tsk.

I just knew it. You're sitting in bland suburban hellish NoVA (having abandoned DC when you had kids because you couldn't possibly send them to school with "those" kids) and here you are making fun of Cousin Larla. So typical.

How did I “abandon DC” when we still have a condo there? I mean, I get that you have one home only, but that’s you.

Ha ha, so I pegged you right, didn't I? You fled to the 'burbs with your precious!

If you must know, we also have three homes. Yes, "homes." Not condos.

Surreeeeeee you do. -NP

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I dislike hosting now too. I used to just be accustomed to it but with covid and no houseguests for so long, I realized how exhausting hosting is. I’m an introvert and I just get exhausted by being around a lot of people for long periods of time.

I don’t like being a houseguest either for the same reason. We usually get a hotel now when we visit family for this reason. Hoping our relatives see us doing that and start doing the same

When we do host, I try to minimize cooking by doing ready to eat foods from Costco, take out, etc. and sometimes we’ll just suggest activities to our guests but make it clear we’re not planning to do those activities ourselves (I’ll look up movie times, find out what special exhibit is at the museum, let them know about a special event in town, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a few years of no visitors due to COVID, we’re back to being the family destination for the Fourth because everyone wants to visit for the fireworks, etc. I love my family but I find that I no longer have the stamina, patience, energy or even tolerance for houseguests. [Insert comments about how horrible I am here, and how people will die someday, etc. I know.]

I just no longer want to cook, clean, and play concierge to every visiting relative of mine and of my husband’s, especially when it comes to picky eaters, high-maintenance people, whiny teens, etc. I’ve lost any joy I ever had in hosting, and after the break COVID gave me for holidays, etc., I just don’t know how to get it back.

Did you invite any houseguests? People don’t just get to invite themselves for overnight stays. Tell everyone you have a prior engagement, but you hope they have a happy Independence Day. Or check out their small town fireworks displays because you want to “get out of the city.” They can host you.

This is a great idea -- lie! Tell them the day before the weekend that they can't come!

There’s a July 4th every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to love having people over but my introverted nature has only become more intense since Covid. I totally get where the OP is coming from.

I feel the same way. It’s a massive sacrifice for me and even if I keep things simple, I find the numerous questions/requests exhausting (where’s the towels/coffee filters/cups/trash can/etc.). To me, having someone in my house makes me feel like I can never take off my bra and lie down on the couch, which is all I want to be doing after 7:30/8:00 PM.

I also just want someone to say something positive about my house/cooking/kids/guest bedroom/etc. and for some reason, that simply NEVER occurs and I wind up feeling resentful. I always compliment peoples homes and don’t understand how you can come stay with me and never say anything complimentary.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. It’s a lot even with guests who claim to be low maintenance. Just stocking the fridge, cleaning the towels, refreshing the sheets before and after, stocking up on toiletries, endlessly answering questions about where the coffee filters are or if the kind of preferred creamer is available, it all just gets old. Feel free to say that you’ve been busy with work and just never had a chance to wash linens or stock the fridge. Just say you’re not in the position to host this year. People will be annoyed but they will get over it. Once you host at a certain level, that’s what people expect in perpetuity. It just gets exhausting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's ok to be selfish and uncaring, OP. And that's what you are. So it works out.

No. OP is perfectly reasonable. You, on the other hand, sound loony tunes.

Wrong.

Get a cleaner, order take out, ignore the whiny teenagers, and be done with it. She's not throwing a wedding. This is nothing.

You know what, you are an internet bully.

No, I'm not. I'm expressing an honest opinion. With everything going on in this country and the world, and OP is all worked up over hosting some relatives for hot dogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July? I'm not bullying -- I'm providing a reality check.

NP. I hope that whatever is so deeply troubling you gets better.

What's troubling me is reading one post after another from people insisting that they're being put upon, and whenever they do it they have a bunch of nasty posters backing them up. DCUM is becoming nothing more than a complaint box for selfish people.

Go away then complainer. Why are you here and acting so put upon by other people complaining?

+1. Clearly pp is a resentful people pleaser.