Parent Moving Next Door to Child - It's Worth It, Right?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I definitely do NOT have $100k to hand over, so that isn’t happening. There are other less expensive houses in the same neighborhood, but sister really likes the idea of mom being next door for the convenience. I agree that is an important factor, but there is a house 3-4 blocks away that is much smaller and significantly less expensive so if mom, meaning mom would sell her current house and have $100-200K in cash for any modifications or updates or just to bank for future care. My sister wants the house next door to her. If she AND my mom both want that I think that is their choice, which is fine, but it is not a choice I’m contributing $100k to, even if I could. Maybe that makes me sound cold and heartless. My grandma commingled finances with one of her children and then ran out of money. My mom felt my aunt pestered her for money towards the end of my grandmas life despite poorly managing my grandmas resources. My mom was a single parent so didn’t have much to spare. I guess I fear the same thing happening here. I don’t think anyone has bad intentions. The complete lack of any plan and how buying a more expensive house now fits the plan worries me. My sister keeps saying the house is a great deal. I’ve shown her tax records and Zillow sales that indicate the opposite. She offers nothing but continued assertions it’s a great deal. Maybe it’s a good deal considering it will make it easier for her to help mom, but she isn’t saying that. She thinks is a good price for the house but isn’t explaining why.

The suggestion up thread to preserve cash by taking out a mortgage was interesting. I’ve passed that along. Someone else suggested calling a local senior care organization to get an idea of costs for in home care. I’m following up on that. I’m NOT trying to make work for my sister by telling her to come up with a plan. I’m trying to help with a plan while still recognizing this should be my mom’s decision. But in reality she’s easily persuaded and doesn’t want to plan. The reality is failing to plan means doing whatever my sister thinks best because she’s local and will bear the brunt of mom’s care.

So far this week mom has volunteered a whole day at a local community center, had dinner with friends, gone for a walk with another friend, and tonight is at a neighborhood political meeting. She also is very involved with her faith community. She has a decent social network here and I fear she won’t develop that quickly elsewhere. She fears that too having seen her own parents struggle socially when they made a move late in life. They ultimately moved back to where they’d raised their family.

[Anonymous]

Assisted living close to my sister is another good idea I hadn’t thought of. Lots of good ideas throughout this thread. Thank you DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I definitely do NOT have $100k to hand over, so that isn’t happening. There are other less expensive houses in the same neighborhood, but sister really likes the idea of mom being next door for the convenience. I agree that is an important factor, but there is a house 3-4 blocks away that is much smaller and significantly less expensive so if mom, meaning mom would sell her current house and have $100-200K in cash for any modifications or updates or just to bank for future care. My sister wants the house next door to her. If she AND my mom both want that I think that is their choice, which is fine, but it is not a choice I’m contributing $100k to, even if I could. Maybe that makes me sound cold and heartless. My grandma commingled finances with one of her children and then ran out of money. My mom felt my aunt pestered her for money towards the end of my grandmas life despite poorly managing my grandmas resources. My mom was a single parent so didn’t have much to spare. I guess I fear the same thing happening here. I don’t think anyone has bad intentions. The complete lack of any plan and how buying a more expensive house now fits the plan worries me. My sister keeps saying the house is a great deal. I’ve shown her tax records and Zillow sales that indicate the opposite. She offers nothing but continued assertions it’s a great deal. Maybe it’s a good deal considering it will make it easier for her to help mom, but she isn’t saying that. She thinks is a good price for the house but isn’t explaining why.

The suggestion up thread to preserve cash by taking out a mortgage was interesting. I’ve passed that along. Someone else suggested calling a local senior care organization to get an idea of costs for in home care. I’m following up on that. I’m NOT trying to make work for my sister by telling her to come up with a plan. I’m trying to help with a plan while still recognizing this should be my mom’s decision. But in reality she’s easily persuaded and doesn’t want to plan. The reality is failing to plan means doing whatever my sister thinks best because she’s local and will bear the brunt of mom’s care.

So far this week mom has volunteered a whole day at a local community center, had dinner with friends, gone for a walk with another friend, and tonight is at a neighborhood political meeting. She also is very involved with her faith community. She has a decent social network here and I fear she won’t develop that quickly elsewhere. She fears that too having seen her own parents struggle socially when they made a move late in life. They ultimately moved back to where they’d raised their family.

Research suggestions keeping up social skills and having an active social life is key to brain health. In fact, emerging research suggests it may even start to reverse dementia. This is HUGE. Keep her there until she has to be in a residential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I definitely do NOT have $100k to hand over, so that isn’t happening. There are other less expensive houses in the same neighborhood, but sister really likes the idea of mom being next door for the convenience. I agree that is an important factor, but there is a house 3-4 blocks away that is much smaller and significantly less expensive so if mom, meaning mom would sell her current house and have $100-200K in cash for any modifications or updates or just to bank for future care. My sister wants the house next door to her. If she AND my mom both want that I think that is their choice, which is fine, but it is not a choice I’m contributing $100k to, even if I could. Maybe that makes me sound cold and heartless. My grandma commingled finances with one of her children and then ran out of money. My mom felt my aunt pestered her for money towards the end of my grandmas life despite poorly managing my grandmas resources. My mom was a single parent so didn’t have much to spare. I guess I fear the same thing happening here. I don’t think anyone has bad intentions. The complete lack of any plan and how buying a more expensive house now fits the plan worries me. My sister keeps saying the house is a great deal. I’ve shown her tax records and Zillow sales that indicate the opposite. She offers nothing but continued assertions it’s a great deal. Maybe it’s a good deal considering it will make it easier for her to help mom, but she isn’t saying that. She thinks is a good price for the house but isn’t explaining why.

The suggestion up thread to preserve cash by taking out a mortgage was interesting. I’ve passed that along. Someone else suggested calling a local senior care organization to get an idea of costs for in home care. I’m following up on that. I’m NOT trying to make work for my sister by telling her to come up with a plan. I’m trying to help with a plan while still recognizing this should be my mom’s decision. But in reality she’s easily persuaded and doesn’t want to plan. The reality is failing to plan means doing whatever my sister thinks best because she’s local and will bear the brunt of mom’s care.

So far this week mom has volunteered a whole day at a local community center, had dinner with friends, gone for a walk with another friend, and tonight is at a neighborhood political meeting. She also is very involved with her faith community. She has a decent social network here and I fear she won’t develop that quickly elsewhere. She fears that too having seen her own parents struggle socially when they made a move late in life. They ultimately moved back to where they’d raised their family.

OP read this as someone else. This is absolutely insane to spend that kind of money, money mom doesn't have so she can be right next door. Bad idea all around. DO't agree. This is all about your sister, not your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1. I agree that OP should help with the $100K that her mom has to cover for the home. That is the least she should do given the sacrifice her sister is making. Living next to a parent and caring for them is not an easy task. Money is easy to produce but time is the real deal.

Why should OP do this? This plan makes no senses. Mom has a house and if anything should go to an apartment or something cheaper, not more expensive. This is a terrible plan all around and a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually your mom needs to shift doctors to closer to your sister.

I just want to echo this. My uncle and aunt moved out of our town (Los Angeles) to northern California, and kept their primary care physician etc in the LA area. They would plan their doctor/dentist etc appointment when they were down visiting us. One year, test results on my uncle came back bad, and suddenly more tests were needed....all of a sudden they were living with as they went to appointment to appointment at UCLA.

They came for Thanksgiving dinner, and didn't leave until Valentines Day. I had very young children and man I almost cracked during this process. My uncle had FIVE surgeries and I was charged with taking care of my aunt who had had a stroke...

You get the idea. Local doctors are connected to local hospitals. In your flipped scenario, you do not want your parent moving near you and keeping their farther-away doctor who, when something goes wrong, only knows the great X-type doctor who is far away from you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried this with my dad and it has not gone well. He has become extremely dependent on me for everything and I have young kids and a job and I’m exhausted. He sees me as a resource for everything he needs (a ride to the mechanic, batteries, some eggs, help moving a piece of furniture, dog sitting, rides to airport, laundry since he doesn’t have a washer/dryer). It’s horrible.

Btw-my dad is not elderly and is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. But he is extremely cheap, and that makes it so he expects me to do things to help him not spend money (like on an Uber to the airport). He has no shame and no self awareness and zero understanding of what it is to work and raise young kids. I also end up getting suckered into paying for things for him (like Ubers to the airport) because I’m not willing to drive.

It’s probably different with a mom, I’d guess. I regret this and I’m looking for a way out-potentially moving to another state.

I know boundary setting would have helped but I struggle with that.

Your last line says it all.
It is unhealthy that you cannot set reasonable limits with him. You would benefit from therapy, but probably feel you don’t have time for it.

Begin by drawing one line in the sand (like he has to start using Uber, for example). Or get grocery delivery. Don’t ask, tell him the new arrangement. He will protest, most likely, but you have to take control of your life. It’s time.

Good luck.