Parent Moving Next Door to Child - It's Worth It, Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a good plan, but I'd make sure there is money to hire a full time aide if or when she needs one.

Being next door to your sister is fine, but if mom wants to avoid assisted living but needs a full time caregiver, that will cost much more (and it's unlikely something your sister will be able to do, even living right next door).

Aides no show and quit and your sister will be in a predicament. Often the aide doesn't show at the worst possible time and then mommy will not understand why sister cannot be at her beckon call. These things are sustainable for some time, but over the years as personality changes and your sister gets burned out it can turn into a nightmare. Sometimes people live long past when they can enjoy any quality of life and they take out their fury on the person closest.

And for some, it works out just fine. Your scenario is a possibility but not a given. You sound a little bitter -- previous experience?

[Anonymous]

It's really your mother's decision, so you don't have much say it what she ends up doing. It is unlikely given the distance you live from your mother that you will be much involved in her care at any point, wherever she lives. It sounds like your sister is taking on the brunt of this task, so I would let her steer the ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the people who say it's ideal have seen the permutations of what aging can look like. One breaking of the hip and it call all change. Suddenly she needs surgery and the anesthesia can make dementia set in faster. Then rehabilitation. They the house needs even more adjustments than you thought and you need someone to help her shower and use the bathroom.

It all changes so quickly sometimes. I think it is far more realistic to do the one floor condo, but make sure it's the type of thing where emergency personal could easily access the apartment and carry her down the steps. No walkups and not too high a floor if elevators are broken. Really not ideal either. My grandmother lived quite a while with dementia and unable to walk. Nursing home was the only viable option.

I don't understand how keeping mom living alone and far from both daughters will help in these aging scenarios you and others describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the people who say it's ideal have seen the permutations of what aging can look like. One breaking of the hip and it call all change. Suddenly she needs surgery and the anesthesia can make dementia set in faster. Then rehabilitation. They the house needs even more adjustments than you thought and you need someone to help her shower and use the bathroom.

It all changes so quickly sometimes. I think it is far more realistic to do the one floor condo, but make sure it's the type of thing where emergency personal could easily access the apartment and carry her down the steps. No walkups and not too high a floor if elevators are broken. Really not ideal either. My grandmother lived quite a while with dementia and unable to walk. Nursing home was the only viable option.

I don't understand how keeping mom living alone and far from both daughters will help in these aging scenarios you and others describe.

A residential setting is the way to go. You can visit, advocate, check on things, but have boundaries and they get socialization rather than making you their life.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a plan for if she needs to go out of town for a vacation? No aides, no supports for mom?

[Anonymous]

I tried this with my dad and it has not gone well. He has become extremely dependent on me for everything and I have young kids and a job and I’m exhausted. He sees me as a resource for everything he needs (a ride to the mechanic, batteries, some eggs, help moving a piece of furniture, dog sitting, rides to airport, laundry since he doesn’t have a washer/dryer). It’s horrible.

Btw-my dad is not elderly and is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. But he is extremely cheap, and that makes it so he expects me to do things to help him not spend money (like on an Uber to the airport). He has no shame and no self awareness and zero understanding of what it is to work and raise young kids. I also end up getting suckered into paying for things for him (like Ubers to the airport) because I’m not willing to drive.

It’s probably different with a mom, I’d guess. I regret this and I’m looking for a way out-potentially moving to another state.

I know boundary setting would have helped but I struggle with that.

[Anonymous]

My mom is already extremely dependent on my sister, IMO, for similar reasons to PP (extremely cheap). IMO mom is tired and wants someone to figure things out for her, but in some ways she is fiercely independent.

To the PPs who commented on what is the plan for aides, or sister going out of town, or whatever, there are no plans, which is part of what troubles me about buying this house that I think is overpriced. It seems like one thing to figure out how to pay for things given the status quo, but quite another to figure things out later AFTER over paying for a house and putting an additional $100K to get said house. Mom has never been a planner, her MO is spend as little as possible and then when you absolutely have to spend money you'll have enough. Its mostly worked for her, but its hardly a plan. I think she kind of just wants a newer house and also doesn't want to think about the messy part of getting older (who does). I'd feel better if there was a plan but as someone else pointed out this isn't my decision at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1 as a person who has taken care of two (divorced) parents, and a step-parent for years until death, and is currently dealing with one (far-away) in-law that really needs help right now, all I can say is:

OP, if your sister is willing to take care of your mom, then G-d Bless Her for giving you a gift that is so huge, may you never know how big it is. Your mom should move. Also when your mom passes away, if there is any money left, do not discount how much pay-less and thank-less work your sister will have done for countless of hours or years by that point, and consider being generous and not sticking financially to "right down the middle."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your mother want??? Her life, her choice. Plus, if she currently has friends, doctors, familiar stores, activities nearby, it can be damaging to move away from that.

At some point, ‘her life her choice’ becomes infeasible. My parents are living with ‘their lives their choice’ but my father can’t get out of bed without my mother’s help and my mother can now barely help and they fight all the time. My father is mentally addled due to a stroke and does nothing but watch TV and refuses to even get his own food from the fridge, even though he can get out of the lift chair and walk better than my mother. My mother needs a walker and everything is very very hard for her, and she is miserable now due to my father’s demands. Both are getting quite incontinent. I’ve offered them THREE free places to move to, two closer, one in their location, which would free up money to hire help. My mother wants to, my father screams NO and she listens to him as in her mind, he’s still ‘the boss’. At this point, as much as I love my father, it would be better if he passes so she can live the rest of her life like she really wants to.

[Anonymous]

^^ Unfeasible (I think. LOL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1 as a person who has taken care of two (divorced) parents, and a step-parent for years until death, and is currently dealing with one (far-away) in-law that really needs help right now, all I can say is:

OP, if your sister is willing to take care of your mom, then G-d Bless Her for giving you a gift that is so huge, may you never know how big it is. Your mom should move. Also when your mom passes away, if there is any money left, do not discount how much pay-less and thank-less work your sister will have done for countless of hours or years by that point, and consider being generous and not sticking financially to "right down the middle."

Fully agree, PP.

[Anonymous]

Look into independent living for seniors near your sister. That way your mom isn’t socially isolated and is close enough to your sister that she can visit more frequently and help her run errands.

Eventually your mom needs to shift doctors to closer to your sister. My mom lived an hour away and when I needed to start going with her to appointments it wasn’t sustainable because one hour away really means a two hour round trip plus time at the doctors then potentially pharmacist. I couldn’t keep taking 4 hours off of work compared to an hour if I booked the earliest or latest appointment for my mom if the doctor was by where I lived and where I moved my mom. My mom didn’t want to change doctors but over two years has shifted all her factors, dentist, optometrist. The other good thing about her independent/assisted living complex is that there is geriatric doctor who makes house calls. That doctor visits my mom every other month and will go if she is sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1 as a person who has taken care of two (divorced) parents, and a step-parent for years until death, and is currently dealing with one (far-away) in-law that really needs help right now, all I can say is:

OP, if your sister is willing to take care of your mom, then G-d Bless Her for giving you a gift that is so huge, may you never know how big it is. Your mom should move. Also when your mom passes away, if there is any money left, do not discount how much pay-less and thank-less work your sister will have done for countless of hours or years by that point, and consider being generous and not sticking financially to "right down the middle."

Fully agree, PP.

Many of us have lived this. This is going to sound morbid, but if mom lives a few years or if mom lives a long time but remains gracious, somewhat independent and has a social life it's doable. If she declines into a needy and ungrateful tyrant it is unsustainable. Your sister will burn out, guilt trip you and may move. If she has countless emergencies and becomes less and less grateful with each one, it is unsustainable. it's a lot easier to deal with AL complaining about your mother and coming up with a plan for more socialization, med change, and therapy. It's easier to visit mom and tolerate bad behavior knowing you are not responsible for her safety than it is to deal with a monster who is reliant on you and is emotionally eating you alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1. I agree that OP should help with the $100K that her mom has to cover for the home. That is the least she should do given the sacrifice her sister is making. Living next to a parent and caring for them is not an easy task. Money is easy to produce but time is the real deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

+1. I agree that OP should help with the $100K that her mom has to cover for the home. That is the least she should do given the sacrifice her sister is making. Living next to a parent and caring for them is not an easy task. Money is easy to produce but time is the real deal.

LOL. I love how any stranger can come on and say "Hand over $100K and be dam grateful you did!" You don't throw away your retirement for this. Your sister doesn't even seem to understand what she is signing up for.