Parent Moving Next Door to Child - It's Worth It, Right?

[Anonymous]

As someone who left NY for the DMV and had to constantly go back and forth when they were dying, do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

Bad plan and I was 100 percent responsible for many years. It’s not financially viable.

In the timeless words of OP:

"We are crunching numbers but think my mom will be able to afford the new house WITHOUT a mortgage once she sells her house (currently no mortgage) AND uses $100K in savings. She has been living on social security but has a pension and retirement accounts she's just been saving RMDs from. My sister's husband (BIL) has said he's willing to cover any difference to have my mom closer for the convenience factor."

Why isn't it "financially viable" exactly? It sure sounds "financially viable" to me.

[Anonymous]

It's a good plan ONLY if the family has money to pay for aides who can come on a rotating basis so the elderly parent can age in place. That way, next-door sister can supervise but not have to do all the work, which could become prohibitively taxing if her mother becomes incapacitated and needs round the clock care.

This is the arrangement my MIL has right now, and the arrangement my aunt has for her MIL. What you DO NOT want is to be the only child to care for an aging parent, without outside help. That's a straight ticket to the next available Medicaid facility!

[Anonymous]

^ point is, it's not just spending money on a house, it's paying senior aides for years and years to help at home. If you can do that, go for it.

[Anonymous]

It's a good plan, but I'd make sure there is money to hire a full time aide if or when she needs one.

Being next door to your sister is fine, but if mom wants to avoid assisted living but needs a full time caregiver, that will cost much more (and it's unlikely something your sister will be able to do, even living right next door).

[Anonymous]

I think it is a wonderful idea and your sister and BIL are kind and generous. As your mother ages, she will need more and more help, so the proximity will be great for everyone. -signed, someone who lives with an elderly parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

Bad plan and I was 100 percent responsible for many years. It’s not financially viable.

+1,000

You cannot know how she will age. Even an age proofed house is not ideal if a person gets to the point of not being able to walk or talk. Some people age gracefully, some turn into entitled monsters with no boundaries and overflowing hostility. With demenia the personality can change to the point you are an entirely different person.

Also, when there are lots of emergency and extremely challenging behavior it can do in the health of the support network. if she stays where she is she more likely to maintain a healthy social life. When the time comes I suggest assisted living. Much easier to manage care by having pleasant visits and chatting with staff, than having her totally dependent on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a good plan, but I'd make sure there is money to hire a full time aide if or when she needs one.

Being next door to your sister is fine, but if mom wants to avoid assisted living but needs a full time caregiver, that will cost much more (and it's unlikely something your sister will be able to do, even living right next door).

Aides no show and quit and your sister will be in a predicament. Often the aide doesn't show at the worst possible time and then mommy will not understand why sister cannot be at her beckon call. These things are sustainable for some time, but over the years as personality changes and your sister gets burned out it can turn into a nightmare. Sometimes people live long past when they can enjoy any quality of life and they take out their fury on the person closest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak to the financial aspect of it, but when I was young my grandmother moved down the street from us so she could be closer to my Dad as she aged. I know he appreciated having her close, both to spend time with her and to be able to help with the practicalities of life (shovelling snow, driving, household stuff, company, and eventually doctor's appointments, etc) and it was a great thing for me as a child to be able to see her so often. This was a cross country move for her so she had to find new medical care and friends but I don't think she or my Dad (or my Dad's sister) ever regretted it; she was legally blind by the time she moved and I think living independently (which was what she wanted above all else) would have been impossible for her toward the end if she'd stayed on the West Coast.

What was your grandma like? How did she age? These things make a huge difference as to whether it is sustainable.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky your sister is willing to fulfill this role. As parents age they needs lots of help and support. Paid help are no substitute. They also need advocates in the healthcare system. Money is way down on the list of priorities (assuming your mom won’t run out of $).

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately my mom has zero plan for her own care. She is frugal but doesn’t budget. She told me in Jan she thinks she has $1 million in assets excluding pension and social security but she had NOT shifted her stock portfolio to a more conservative, in retirement allocation. I think she was also including her paid off house. All of this to say I don’t know if she’ll be able to afford aides and neither does she.

I sent the tax records for the property to my sister along with some Zillow results and sai hey this all looks way below asking price. Are you sure the price is reasonable? She replied the tax records weren’t relevant and ignored the Zillow info. I know neither are precise but she offered zero explanation as to why she thinks the asking price is fair, which is frustrating. I tend to think people overvalue their own homes but as others have said if she’s willing to take on managing my mom’s care and my mom is fine, what’s it to me?

My mom has said she thinks her sister mismanaged her own mother’s money. She said that again recently so I guess that is on my mind. I think my sister has good motivation here, I just think it’s a bad financial move and was looking for confirmation (or contradiction) that money isn’t the only factor to consider as it’s hard to put a price on proximity and making it easier for my sister to help my mom age in place. I think I’ve gotten there are views on both sides of that.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately my mom has zero plan for her own care. She is frugal but doesn’t budget. She told me in Jan she thinks she has $1 million in assets excluding pension and social security but she had NOT shifted her stock portfolio to a more conservative, in retirement allocation. I think she was also including her paid off house. All of this to say I don’t know if she’ll be able to afford aides and neither does she.

I sent the tax records for the property to my sister along with some Zillow results and sai hey this all looks way below asking price. Are you sure the price is reasonable? She replied the tax records weren’t relevant and ignored the Zillow info. I know neither are precise but she offered zero explanation as to why she thinks the asking price is fair, which is frustrating. I tend to think people overvalue their own homes but as others have said if she’s willing to take on managing my mom’s care and my mom is fine, what’s it to me?

My mom has said she thinks her sister mismanaged her own mother’s money. She said that again recently so I guess that is on my mind. I think my sister has good motivation here, I just think it’s a bad financial move and was looking for confirmation (or contradiction) that money isn’t the only factor to consider as it’s hard to put a price on proximity and making it easier for my sister to help my mom age in place. I think I’ve gotten there are views on both sides of that.

Thank you!

This is potentially a huge mess if there is no money for aides. I would call the council on aging to find out about residential options that she can afford. Some places base cost on financial means. Much easier to visit her there to advocate and show you care, then risk her disrespecting boundaries living so close to sister. Don't listen to the anti-residential people here. Visit for yourself with an open mind.We've had good experiences and a friend of mine's mom needed a place for those who had less savings and it worked out well and was beautiful because it had been built within a year of her mom moving in.

[Anonymous]

I knew someone who bought their mom a condo that was a 5 min drive away from their house. It was all one floor, no stairs, and no maintenance (except inside the condo walls.) had a little side yard/patio so she could put out a few potted plants. the condo itself was walkable to a cute little downtown and a senior activity center (that also had a bus). Good medical care in area.

It really seemed like an ideal set up. Privacy while also close for care. Aides came and visited daily after a surgery but otherwise she was able to manage it all on her own with a cleaning service. This was in the Midwest and the condo was cheap, 80k and the community fee was 300 a month which included water.

Just a thought if the issue is the house is too expensive.

[Anonymous]

If your mom can afford to buy the house w/no mortgage, she should consider buying it with a mortgage to preserve her assets for future needs like medical aides, etc.

I agree with the posters who say that this sounds like an IDEAL setup - especially because your mom can likely maintain a lot of her ties to her long-term community since she's only moving an hour away. Your sister's offer is exceedingly generous and, in your position, I'd go to pretty great lengths to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the people who say it's ideal have seen the permutations of what aging can look like. One breaking of the hip and it call all change. Suddenly she needs surgery and the anesthesia can make dementia set in faster. Then rehabilitation. They the house needs even more adjustments than you thought and you need someone to help her shower and use the bathroom.

It all changes so quickly sometimes. I think it is far more realistic to do the one floor condo, but make sure it's the type of thing where emergency personal could easily access the apartment and carry her down the steps. No walkups and not too high a floor if elevators are broken. Really not ideal either. My grandmother lived quite a while with dementia and unable to walk. Nursing home was the only viable option.