Why do I like it when people feel sorry for me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the psychology today directory. Do you have an EAP program at your work?

The therapists I found were via psychology today. I saw a lot of social workers but I wanted someone who was a psychologist. I am considering just going out of network and dealing with the financial burden because I truly am worried about jeopardizing my relationship because of this trait (and others).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do crave attention so maybe that explains it. I wish there were a way to help myself stop being this way without therapy.

Why don't you want to do therapy? You hate a part of yourself and you are actively trying to hide that trait from someone you are dating. Therapy is great for this sort of thing. But you have to be willing to take a true look at yourself.

I simply can’t afford a good out of network therapist (I’ve done some research and all the good ones appear to not take insurance). I’ve had a host of health issues this past year that have left me in significant debt.

Nice excuse. There are good therapists that take insurance.

Stop being an ass to OP. There’s a huge shortage of therapists right now and indeed the good ones usually don’t take insurance.

You should still try to find one though op. Call around and get on waitlists. Sorry about your medical debts

[Anonymous]

I have a friend at work like this. She is very sweet, but she frequently talks about her messed up childhood and how abusive her family is. I listen and tell her how sorry I am about the things that have happened to her. I think she just wants people to understand everything she's gone through and how far she's come. She has actually been really good for me because her sharing has made me feel comfortable to share the dark parts of my past. I've always had issues talking about my self and she is the first person, aside from my husband, that I have been able to open up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the psychology today directory. Do you have an EAP program at your work?

The therapists I found were via psychology today. I saw a lot of social workers but I wanted someone who was a psychologist. I am considering just going out of network and dealing with the financial burden because I truly am worried about jeopardizing my relationship because of this trait (and others).

I've seen many therapists (divorce/abusive husband, grief) and the best ones were LCSWs. You just need to learn a different way to communicate and get positive attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is giving the OP the satisfaction of attention.

Yup.

And they're manipulative about it.

OP here. This is funny. I am an extrovert and like attention in person, not from online strangers believe it or not.

I don't think you understand what an extrovert is, and it has nothing to do with liking attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. This is a great thing to talk about with a therapist.

I am the opposite and cannot stand people feeling sorry for me and I think it's the way I was raised and I've talked to a therapist about it. I have tended to feel like I always need to be my best self, no one cares, don't show or tell people your real vulnerabilities, make it seem like everything is great, etc. I think this probably goes better in terms of people wanting to be around you than being a complainer, but it can keep people at a distance too, which is not a good thing. Therapy really helped me change.

I desperately wish I was like you. I have a coworker who was the same way and though I always thought it was weird she gave a positive spin to everything, I have to admit I thought she was very self assured and had a strong personality.

I am like this as well. I HATE pity, even when I deserve it (I have experienced tragedy).

OP, look into the drama triangle https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/. I'd guess you had a parent who was a persecutor type and you learned to use the victim role to placate them and get what you wanted. I am a "rescuer" so try to save people, even to my own demise, to ensure that they like and need me. All equally dysfunctional! We all play all of these three roles at times. I'd encourage you to look into it, it has been fascinating work that is making me aware of my own relational patterns, and helps me get off of the triangle! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism. Classic.

A narcissist wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to notice this about herself or admit that she’s bothered by it. OP is not a narcissist.

I have some family members who love being victims. My take is they didn’t get enough attention as children and crave attention now. I’m the opposite- I hate to be pitied in any way. I had a parent die when I was young and it awful hearing everyone whisper about how sorry they felt for me. Their pity confirmed how sad my situation was. I combatted this by striving to be envied. I might have a sad home life, but by golly, I was one of the smartest, most beautiful and well-dressed girls at school. I had the best jewelry and handbag collection. I might have a big hole in my life but the other girls all envied me, at least on the surface.

I'm PP above. Yes, by cultivating their envy, you were persecuting them. You were sure that showing your ability to persecute others could empower you and stop you from being a victim. It made you feel in control, even as it relied on persecuting others to get that feeling.

We all do this, in different ways, until we learn to see it and get off the triangle.

[Anonymous]

I understand the yearning for attention. But I can't imagine wanting to be pitied. Sympathy is nice because it shows me there are caring people in my life... But only for deaths in the family or maybe some other tragedy. I don't want sympathy for regular life events.

Op, an acquaintance of mine recently expressed to me that I should have offered her sympathy when her husband had Covid and she stayed in a hotel for 2 nights to quarantine. It was a lightbulb moment for me that told me who she was: a victim. Is this you? Do you feel like a victim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the yearning for attention. But I can't imagine wanting to be pitied. Sympathy is nice because it shows me there are caring people in my life... But only for deaths in the family or maybe some other tragedy. I don't want sympathy for regular life events.

Op, an acquaintance of mine recently expressed to me that I should have offered her sympathy when her husband had Covid and she stayed in a hotel for 2 nights to quarantine. It was a lightbulb moment for me that told me who she was: a victim. Is this you? Do you feel like a victim?

OP here. Yes, I actually do feel like a victim; I believe that my low socioeconomic background deprived me of love and social advancement opportunities. I have done well for myself though and am trying to focus on the present and help myself stop projecting to the world that I’m a victim who is constantly looking for a mother figure to help her.

[Anonymous]

Did you get the emotional validation you needed as a child? If not, maybe the extreme need is showing up now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the yearning for attention. But I can't imagine wanting to be pitied. Sympathy is nice because it shows me there are caring people in my life... But only for deaths in the family or maybe some other tragedy. I don't want sympathy for regular life events.

Op, an acquaintance of mine recently expressed to me that I should have offered her sympathy when her husband had Covid and she stayed in a hotel for 2 nights to quarantine. It was a lightbulb moment for me that told me who she was: a victim. Is this you? Do you feel like a victim?

OP here. Yes, I actually do feel like a victim; I believe that my low socioeconomic background deprived me of love and social advancement opportunities. I have done well for myself though and am trying to focus on the present and help myself stop projecting to the world that I’m a victim who is constantly looking for a mother figure to help her.

I’m a woman but think like a man. And if I read that last sentence or saw evidence of it in your profile or on a date I’d run for the hills.

[Anonymous]

Because you are a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the yearning for attention. But I can't imagine wanting to be pitied. Sympathy is nice because it shows me there are caring people in my life... But only for deaths in the family or maybe some other tragedy. I don't want sympathy for regular life events.

Op, an acquaintance of mine recently expressed to me that I should have offered her sympathy when her husband had Covid and she stayed in a hotel for 2 nights to quarantine. It was a lightbulb moment for me that told me who she was: a victim. Is this you? Do you feel like a victim?

OP here. Yes, I actually do feel like a victim; I believe that my low socioeconomic background deprived me of love and social advancement opportunities. I have done well for myself though and am trying to focus on the present and help myself stop projecting to the world that I’m a victim who is constantly looking for a mother figure to help her.

Just reading this, I can tell that you have major issues. Your friends needed to step up and tell you the truth about you a while ago. Personally, I wouldn’t have the time to care about any of your problems with your attention-seeking behavior. Time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You like the attention.

OP here. I probably do like the attention, but I also like the feeling of someone outraged on my behalf. That and seeking sympathy seem to be the primary motivation I think.

I had a friend that told me the person doing the 'least well' in their household got the attention. Illness, struggles, etc - so there was zero incentive to say things were going well, as it resulted in no one paying attention to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the yearning for attention. But I can't imagine wanting to be pitied. Sympathy is nice because it shows me there are caring people in my life... But only for deaths in the family or maybe some other tragedy. I don't want sympathy for regular life events.

Op, an acquaintance of mine recently expressed to me that I should have offered her sympathy when her husband had Covid and she stayed in a hotel for 2 nights to quarantine. It was a lightbulb moment for me that told me who she was: a victim. Is this you? Do you feel like a victim?

OP here. Yes, I actually do feel like a victim; I believe that my low socioeconomic background deprived me of love and social advancement opportunities. I have done well for myself though and am trying to focus on the present and help myself stop projecting to the world that I’m a victim who is constantly looking for a mother figure to help her.

Just reading this, I can tell that you have major issues. Your friends needed to step up and tell you the truth about you a while ago. Personally, I wouldn’t have the time to care about any of your problems with your attention-seeking behavior. Time to grow up.

Agreed. And OP is just perpetuating the victim/"pity me" narrative in her quoted post. OP, do you think manipulative people admit to being manipulative? You need to grow up, get help, and stop.