People who offer to do things and then seem resentful about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this. I genuinely want to help when I offer. But then when the times comes to do the thing, it’s more inconvenient/greater effort/more annoying than I realized it would be. I do this with social plans too. They sound great when I say I will attend and then when it’s time to go, it’s more inconvenient and less fun than I thought it would be. I’m trying to remember to think about what future me will want before I offer to do things.

Same - and I really try to handicap for it when I am asked to do something, or about to offer to do something, knowing that future me may feel overwhelmed and regret it. Sometimes that handicapping works sometimes not.

But also, I agree with the others, that OP may be misinterpreting the friend's tone.

Two walks a day is not crazy. We walk our dog at least three times a day - first thing in the morning, after work, in the evening before bed. It doesn't seem remotely extreme.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who I sometimes offer to help, and then when she takes me up on it, I realize something about her request annoys me — every time. For example she complains she sooo busy, single mom, overwhelmed at work, doesn’t have time to grocery shop, etc. I ask what I can do to help. And she asks me to go pick up a luxury item for her. A luxury item that I don’t have time to pick up for myself (like special coffee creamer). Ok, well now I don’t feel so bad for her anymore and I’m annoyed that I offered.

I don’t know whether any of that applies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

You're definitely in the minority then. Most dogs thrive on routine, and *need* their walks, for mental health as well as physical exercise. When my best friend watches my dog, she mimics the routine he has at home. When I watch hers, I do the same. You can't "dumb it down" just because it's a favor. A favor to whom? Not the dog!

Dogs never went on walks when I was a kid. They played and pooped in their OWN yard. And I doubt there were a bunch of mentally ill dogs because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

You're definitely in the minority then. Most dogs thrive on routine, and *need* their walks, for mental health as well as physical exercise. When my best friend watches my dog, she mimics the routine he has at home. When I watch hers, I do the same. You can't "dumb it down" just because it's a favor. A favor to whom? Not the dog!

Dogs never went on walks when I was a kid. They played and pooped in their OWN yard. And I doubt there were a bunch of mentally ill dogs because of it.

Dog care was much worse then, and dogs were getting hit by cars left and right. Lots of things were better when we were kids, but not this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. She’s a people pleaser, but also gets overwhelmed easily. Example, she offered to watch a friend’s 2 young kids 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week for $300 a month (yes, really) and then immediately got overwhelmed and quit. I think she believes she needs to go to extremes to keep people liking her and continuing to be her friend. I’ve learned to decline any offers from her because she’ll get upset and bail (she’s offered to clean my house, watch my kids, throw me a baby shower, etc I just tell her it’s not needed).

BUT that being said, the dog care seems like a LOT. 2 walks a day plus being letting out twice a day is a lot to take on for someone who is not a professional pet sitter. Are you paying her professional sitting rates, or what you would pay a college student? That much service would run probably $150-200 a day for a professional (if my memory is right, sitting is usually $100 for an overnight plus $25 per walk for a professional service). If you’re trying to pay her $50 a day, yea, I’d be upset too.

Goodness, no! The going rate is $50-75 on Rover. And what OP's asking for is standard care for that price.

I just checked Rover for rates and this is what I found:

$60 for overnight only, unless it’s over 7 days, then it’s $90/night.

Plus $25 for each additional walk during the day.

So if OP is out of town for more than a week, $90 a night plus 2, $25 walks a day is $140 per day. Way more than $50-75.

Sorry, this is not true. I use rover frequently. Every dog sitter I have hired has been $50-65 and all have happily given my dog two walks minimum, sometimes more, unless it was a snow storm or a super flood rain. Many rover sitters live in apts or condos where there isn’t some yard to have the dog run around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. She’s a people pleaser, but also gets overwhelmed easily. Example, she offered to watch a friend’s 2 young kids 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week for $300 a month (yes, really) and then immediately got overwhelmed and quit. I think she believes she needs to go to extremes to keep people liking her and continuing to be her friend. I’ve learned to decline any offers from her because she’ll get upset and bail (she’s offered to clean my house, watch my kids, throw me a baby shower, etc I just tell her it’s not needed).

BUT that being said, the dog care seems like a LOT. 2 walks a day plus being letting out twice a day is a lot to take on for someone who is not a professional pet sitter. Are you paying her professional sitting rates, or what you would pay a college student? That much service would run probably $150-200 a day for a professional (if my memory is right, sitting is usually $100 for an overnight plus $25 per walk for a professional service). If you’re trying to pay her $50 a day, yea, I’d be upset too.

Goodness, no! The going rate is $50-75 on Rover. And what OP's asking for is standard care for that price.

I just checked Rover for rates and this is what I found:

$60 for overnight only, unless it’s over 7 days, then it’s $90/night.

Plus $25 for each additional walk during the day.

So if OP is out of town for more than a week, $90 a night plus 2, $25 walks a day is $140 per day. Way more than $50-75.

Sorry, this is not true. I use rover frequently. Every dog sitter I have hired has been $50-65 and all have happily given my dog two walks minimum, sometimes more, unless it was a snow storm or a super flood rain. Many rover sitters live in apts or condos where there isn’t some yard to have the dog run around.

Staying in your home or the sitters? House sitting is much more expensive than boarding. Also, who knows if they're doing the walks. I knew a woman who boarded dogs in her home and promised 3 walks a day. Those poor dogs were kept in crates the entire time, only let into the yard to poop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's your tone, OP?

It sounds like when you get into the nitty gritty of a task with her (like bridal shower details or a dog walking itinerary) she gets upset.

Is this because she regrets taking on the task or is it possibly the way that you talk to her? Are you condescending? I'd ask a neutral friend for a frank assessment. Just something to consider.

If that's not it, then she's just taking on too much and you shouldn't take any favors from her in the future.

This is my take too. Maybe she offers and is willing to do it her way, and then gets annoyed at you micromanaging (real or perceived) or asking her to do it in a way she wasn't planning on or didn't want to. If you're going to accept a favor from someone, be prepared for it to go their way. If you want it done your way, hire someone (who is not a friend).

This is my thought as well.

Maybe she feels like you are treating her like an employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

You're definitely in the minority then. Most dogs thrive on routine, and *need* their walks, for mental health as well as physical exercise. When my best friend watches my dog, she mimics the routine he has at home. When I watch hers, I do the same. You can't "dumb it down" just because it's a favor. A favor to whom? Not the dog!

Dogs never went on walks when I was a kid. They played and pooped in their OWN yard. And I doubt there were a bunch of mentally ill dogs because of it.

People who live in apartments have always walked their dogs, if they have them, because apartments don't have yards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's your tone, OP?

It sounds like when you get into the nitty gritty of a task with her (like bridal shower details or a dog walking itinerary) she gets upset.

Is this because she regrets taking on the task or is it possibly the way that you talk to her? Are you condescending? I'd ask a neutral friend for a frank assessment. Just something to consider.

If that's not it, then she's just taking on too much and you shouldn't take any favors from her in the future.

This is my take too. Maybe she offers and is willing to do it her way, and then gets annoyed at you micromanaging (real or perceived) or asking her to do it in a way she wasn't planning on or didn't want to. If you're going to accept a favor from someone, be prepared for it to go their way. If you want it done your way, hire someone (who is not a friend).

This is my thought as well.

Maybe she feels like you are treating her like an employee.

I mean... she is an employee in this specific situation. "Employee" isn't negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who I sometimes offer to help, and then when she takes me up on it, I realize something about her request annoys me — every time. For example she complains she sooo busy, single mom, overwhelmed at work, doesn’t have time to grocery shop, etc. I ask what I can do to help. And she asks me to go pick up a luxury item for her. A luxury item that I don’t have time to pick up for myself (like special coffee creamer). Ok, well now I don’t feel so bad for her anymore and I’m annoyed that I offered.

I don’t know whether any of that applies to you.

Why do you repeated offer to help her if you consistently resent helping her?

Also, resenting someone for asking for something you don't demand for yourself is a you problem, not a her problem. If you don't want to pick up creamer for her, don't. But you can't get mad at her for asking just because you consider it a luxury item. Especially not if you are doing things like saying "hey, I'm going to the store -- would you like me to pick anything up for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to say from here. Could she be an extreme people pleaser? They type who sees a problem and immediately wants to fix it but then becomes resentful of the work?

Either way, you need to not take her up on offers anymore. Just say thanks but you don't have to do that.

This. It's people pleasing [sees self in mirror].

She wants to help/fix things for everyone, then gets overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted.

1000% this. Don’t complain about your problems to her and if you do don’t accept help now that you know.

[Anonymous]

This is NOT people pleaser behavior.

I think if this is a pattern for you, it's less about people pleasing and might instead be related to perfectionism or control issues. You have a hard time listening to someone complain about something or express feelings of frustration or disappointment. So you try to stop those feelings by offering to fix whatever is causing them. The resentment comes from feeling like you "have" to do this (you don't, no one asked) and also anger with the other person for not complying with your expectation that everything always be perfect and devoid of negative emotion. You also likely get frustrated when helping someone if they don't do exactly what you wanted or don't appreciate your help as much as you'd hoped. But again, these are situations where the person DID NOT ASK for your help. You offered. You are not entitled to have them accept your help exactly as you want.

It's like the parent who can't bear to hear their child struggle to figure something out, so swoops in to do it for them and then complains that the child is insufficiently grateful AND that the child should have been able to figure it out on their own.

If you have this problem, you need to learn that when other people complain or express negative emotions, you have zero responsibility to fix anything for them. Negative feelings are normal and most people will get over them with time. Even if they don't, it's not your problem and you can just let it go. It is not your job to fix other people's problems. Complaining to a friend about a problem is not the same as demanding your friend solve the problem and you need to understand that distinction.