People who offer to do things and then seem resentful about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

You and your friends sound like $hitty dog owners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

Two walks is standard, PP. Some dogs require 3, or hours spent throwing a ball, etc...

It may be standard, but is OP paying a standard rate? I was a professional pet sitter and people often wanted premium services (overnight plus multiple walks a day) but at a very low rate. I had many people request what OP wants for $30 a day, which is crazy.

My guess is that the friend thought it would be just sleeping there overnight and letting the dogs out AM/PM. If she also has to figure out how to do additional walks while also working and maintaining her home life, it’s too much.

OP here. We're paying $85/day and letting her use our Hello Fresh subscription instead of pausing (we offered, she accepted) and we were definitely clear that it was two walks a day before we agreed to it. She knows our dog needs to be walked frequently and has even done afternoon walks with me a lot since Covid started and we have all been working from home -- I think that was actually part of the appeal to her when she offered because she always says that she likes going for walks in the neighborhood and envies that we have the dog to force us to do it often.

Also, the morning walk is usually just a visit to the dog park a block form our house to run off some energy, and rarely lasts more than 20 minutes. I agree it's a lot but we are paying her well. Our dog is 8 and we both used to work full time in the office and board her daily at the daycare, so we are very accustomed to paying well for her care. I never would have agreed to this if she didn't already have a great relationship with our dog and often express an interest in hanging out with her, so while I understand the reality of arranging your work day to accommodate two walks might be annoying, I really don't understand why it's suddenly a huge burden.

$85 a day is generous. You may be reading too much into your friend's body language and tone - does she mean to come across as business-like, and you're taking it as acting very curt? If you're sure she's feels put-upon, then it's easy - don't accept any more offers of help.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a different solution before your honeymoon. Doesn’t matter why and how. Change the situation now.

[Anonymous]

It’s called being a martyr and is very common among adult children of alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a different take. Seems like OP is being overly sensitive. She wrote, "but I already really regret agreeing to this because I feel like once again she's going to hold this over my head like she's doing me a massive favor." But, there's no indication that she did that with the wedding shower, and given the novel-length OP, I'm fairly certain she would have mentioned it if she was.

I was going to say something similar, to at least question whether OP is interpreting her friend accurately.don’t know if it’s true, but something to explore. I’ve got a friend who tends to think I’m irritated when I’m just…not. We may be debating something, and to me it’s along the lines of a friendly debate like whether Cap’n Crunch is better than fruit loops, with that same degree of who cares, and she will want to end the conversation because she feels it’s too intense and doesn’t want to “argue,” when I thought we were just kidding around.
I’d also like to know what OP means by holding the first favor over her head. To me, that means bringing it up often and expecting something outsized in return, but OP didn’t mention anything like that.

[Anonymous]

This is my mom. She feels it's the right thing to do to offer, but she prays nobody will take her up on it. She wants to seem generous to a fault,. but she is extremely resentful if you take her up on it and has actually exploded at family.

She thinks I am a selfish horrible person because I know my boundaries, i say "no" to some things and I only offer assistance when I truly want to help, not because society dictates I must. I have been able to have happier and healthier relationships than she has because of my boundaries. She has had many a relationship go up in smoke after her meltdowns.

[Anonymous]

She could be over eager to help and gets overwhelmed.

Or - it coukd be as simple as you are misinterpreting her mood. Both planning a shower and following detailed dog rules are stressful. She may be concentrating on getting it right vs putting on a happy face as she does the task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's your tone, OP?

It sounds like when you get into the nitty gritty of a task with her (like bridal shower details or a dog walking itinerary) she gets upset.

Is this because she regrets taking on the task or is it possibly the way that you talk to her? Are you condescending? I'd ask a neutral friend for a frank assessment. Just something to consider.

If that's not it, then she's just taking on too much and you shouldn't take any favors from her in the future.

This is my take too. Maybe she offers and is willing to do it her way, and then gets annoyed at you micromanaging (real or perceived) or asking her to do it in a way she wasn't planning on or didn't want to. If you're going to accept a favor from someone, be prepared for it to go their way. If you want it done your way, hire someone (who is not a friend).

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s your interpretation of her responses in these settings. She may be someone who’s normally calm or funny and in a serious setting seems upset to you. While she’s not actually upset it’s how she interacts and responds to the stimuli around her in that moment. I say this as someone who is very carefree and relaxed but very buttoned up when I know things need to meet a deadline or be done by xyz time. People may assume I’m stressed, etc.. I’m just hyper focused on making sure it comes together. I worked as an event planner professionally and I’ve seen people change personality aspects under stress and act differently than they do regularly outside of work, etc..

What exactly is it that gives you the impression that she’s irritated or upset at you specifically?

[Anonymous]

Putting this out there. Could her stress and annoyance actually be for concentrating and working things out in her mind? You know her, so you might be able to assess what she’s like when she’s actively thinking things through and logistically planning things in her mind. Do you think it’s possible it comes off as annoyance but it’s actually planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. She’s a people pleaser, but also gets overwhelmed easily. Example, she offered to watch a friend’s 2 young kids 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week for $300 a month (yes, really) and then immediately got overwhelmed and quit. I think she believes she needs to go to extremes to keep people liking her and continuing to be her friend. I’ve learned to decline any offers from her because she’ll get upset and bail (she’s offered to clean my house, watch my kids, throw me a baby shower, etc I just tell her it’s not needed).

BUT that being said, the dog care seems like a LOT. 2 walks a day plus being letting out twice a day is a lot to take on for someone who is not a professional pet sitter. Are you paying her professional sitting rates, or what you would pay a college student? That much service would run probably $150-200 a day for a professional (if my memory is right, sitting is usually $100 for an overnight plus $25 per walk for a professional service). If you’re trying to pay her $50 a day, yea, I’d be upset too.

Goodness, no! The going rate is $50-75 on Rover. And what OP's asking for is standard care for that price.

I just checked Rover for rates and this is what I found:

$60 for overnight only, unless it’s over 7 days, then it’s $90/night.

Plus $25 for each additional walk during the day.

So if OP is out of town for more than a week, $90 a night plus 2, $25 walks a day is $140 per day. Way more than $50-75.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

Let me get this straight---all the millions of people around the world who own dogs and work full time are walking their dogs in the middle of the day? OP literally said out in morning, 2 walks DURING THE DAY and potty at night. A walk in the morning and another in the evening is reasonable if you don't have a yard, but otherwise, no. Dogs do not need two walks in the middle of the day. OP's friend has a job, she doesn't need to be stressed out about the dog--get a dog walker or buy a doggie daycare package if the dogs can't go a few hours w/o a walk. OP's friend probably thought she was signing up for out to potty in the morning, walk in the evening and maybe stay overnight or maybe stay at home and attend to their needs in the morning and night and maybe get them to daycare and back or thought a dog walker would be coming in the day time.

[Anonymous]

Take nothing from her in the future. Too many strings attached. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Find alternative care for your dog. She's already overwhelmed and you haven't left yet.

[Anonymous]

I do this. I genuinely want to help when I offer. But then when the times comes to do the thing, it’s more inconvenient/greater effort/more annoying than I realized it would be. I do this with social plans too. They sound great when I say I will attend and then when it’s time to go, it’s more inconvenient and less fun than I thought it would be. I’m trying to remember to think about what future me will want before I offer to do things.