People who offer to do things and then seem resentful about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

Two walks is standard, PP. Some dogs require 3, or hours spent throwing a ball, etc...

It may be standard, but is OP paying a standard rate? I was a professional pet sitter and people often wanted premium services (overnight plus multiple walks a day) but at a very low rate. I had many people request what OP wants for $30 a day, which is crazy.

My guess is that the friend thought it would be just sleeping there overnight and letting the dogs out AM/PM. If she also has to figure out how to do additional walks while also working and maintaining her home life, it’s too much.

OP here. We're paying $85/day and letting her use our Hello Fresh subscription instead of pausing (we offered, she accepted) and we were definitely clear that it was two walks a day before we agreed to it. She knows our dog needs to be walked frequently and has even done afternoon walks with me a lot since Covid started and we have all been working from home -- I think that was actually part of the appeal to her when she offered because she always says that she likes going for walks in the neighborhood and envies that we have the dog to force us to do it often.

Also, the morning walk is usually just a visit to the dog park a block form our house to run off some energy, and rarely lasts more than 20 minutes. I agree it's a lot but we are paying her well. Our dog is 8 and we both used to work full time in the office and board her daily at the daycare, so we are very accustomed to paying well for her care. I never would have agreed to this if she didn't already have a great relationship with our dog and often express an interest in hanging out with her, so while I understand the reality of arranging your work day to accommodate two walks might be annoying, I really don't understand why it's suddenly a huge burden.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is a people pleasing instinct. After a year as PTA President that is finally almost over, I think I have outgrown this instinct!

[Anonymous]

She cares about you and wants to help…and she has anxiety and it makes her nervous and she takes her stress out on you. It’s a vicious cycle.

Simply don’t tell her your plans or hopes if it’s something she could even potentially volunteer for. Like if you get pregnant, do not mention a shower, and if she asks you, say something like “my cousin is talking with me about it.” Don’t mention vacation plans. If she asks/offers, just say something like “We’ve already got a plan for Bowser.”

[Anonymous]

You need to come up with another solution for the two week trip you’re about to take. Don’t rely on your friend. The reasoning of how we got here doesn’t matter-this isn’t working out. You have other options (boarding, going to your brother, hiring someone else, etc.). Maybe she could be a back up.

I would hate to stay in someone else’s apartment for 2 weeks unless it was on the beach or something.

Op, you did nothing wrong but sort this now before she calls you in the middle of your honeymoon saying she can’t handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

[Anonymous]

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten is to always avoid multiple relationships with people. If someone is a friend or family, don’t hire or work for them. Don’t become friends with clients or coworkers. Don’t go into business with a romantic partner. Etc. One party always feels slighted in some way, and you can’t just fire them or walk away.

Keep her just a friend and don’t hire her again.

[Anonymous]

Please do the decent thing and find another solution for your pet. Knowing what you know about your friend and still letting this offer be in place for now is actually you being a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

It’s not like the friend was under the impression it would be letting a dog out twice for two nights, and then OP pulled a bait-and-switch and said, “Oh just kidding it’s several walks a day for two weeks.”

I know what watching my aunt’s dog entails: sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no. I volunteered initially. If and when I can’t do it because of my schedule, I say no. If I hadn’t want to in the first place, I would not have volunteered. Pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend is like this. She’s a people pleaser, but also gets overwhelmed easily. Example, she offered to watch a friend’s 2 young kids 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week for $300 a month (yes, really) and then immediately got overwhelmed and quit. I think she believes she needs to go to extremes to keep people liking her and continuing to be her friend. I’ve learned to decline any offers from her because she’ll get upset and bail (she’s offered to clean my house, watch my kids, throw me a baby shower, etc I just tell her it’s not needed).

BUT that being said, the dog care seems like a LOT. 2 walks a day plus being letting out twice a day is a lot to take on for someone who is not a professional pet sitter. Are you paying her professional sitting rates, or what you would pay a college student? That much service would run probably $150-200 a day for a professional (if my memory is right, sitting is usually $100 for an overnight plus $25 per walk for a professional service). If you’re trying to pay her $50 a day, yea, I’d be upset too.

Goodness, no! The going rate is $50-75 on Rover. And what OP's asking for is standard care for that price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

What do you think dog sitting entails? Of course a dog needs to go out for a few brief walks throughout the day. If you don’t want to dog sit, don’t volunteer.

I think there’s a difference between dog sitting as a friend/favor, and dog sitting as a business someone has hired.

When I’ve watched dogs for friends, the care goes way down because the assumption is that it’s a favor. Same when they watch my dogs, I don’t ask for walks, I tell them to just let the dogs run in the backyard for a bit. They’ll be okay for a couple weeks without walks. If I feel like walking their dogs I will, but I don’t want to be held to “30 minute walk at 2pm” when I have other things going on in my life.

You're definitely in the minority then. Most dogs thrive on routine, and *need* their walks, for mental health as well as physical exercise. When my best friend watches my dog, she mimics the routine he has at home. When I watch hers, I do the same. You can't "dumb it down" just because it's a favor. A favor to whom? Not the dog!

[Anonymous]

I have a different take. Seems like OP is being overly sensitive. She wrote, "but I already really regret agreeing to this because I feel like once again she's going to hold this over my head like she's doing me a massive favor." But, there's no indication that she did that with the wedding shower, and given the novel-length OP, I'm fairly certain she would have mentioned it if she was.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's your tone, OP?

It sounds like when you get into the nitty gritty of a task with her (like bridal shower details or a dog walking itinerary) she gets upset.

Is this because she regrets taking on the task or is it possibly the way that you talk to her? Are you condescending? I'd ask a neutral friend for a frank assessment. Just something to consider.

If that's not it, then she's just taking on too much and you shouldn't take any favors from her in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's your tone, OP?

It sounds like when you get into the nitty gritty of a task with her (like bridal shower details or a dog walking itinerary) she gets upset.

Is this because she regrets taking on the task or is it possibly the way that you talk to her? Are you condescending? I'd ask a neutral friend for a frank assessment. Just something to consider.

If that's not it, then she's just taking on too much and you shouldn't take any favors from her in the future.

To add, if she truly is your friend - ask her why she seemed irritated! Talk it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

Since you don’t own a dog why are you talking about something you’re ignorant about?