People who offer to do things and then seem resentful about it

[Anonymous]

Can anyone offer some insight into why someone might proactively offer to do something nice or helpful but then act annoyed or resentful about actually doing it. I am dealing with this issue with a friend for the second time and I'm trying to figure out where she is coming from so I can address it.

The first time this happened was last year, when she offered to host a bridal shower for me for our friends (no family). I was not getting a traditional family bridal shower due to Covid and travel issues. When I told her, I was in no way fishing for her to host something for me -- she offered immediately and seemed actually much more upset about the idea that I might not have a bridal shower than I actually felt at the time.

As we planned the small shower, she seemed irritated with me the the entire time. She asked me a few questions about what I wanted and I gave what I thought were useful responses and responded quickly. I don't know if she was unhappy with what I suggested or she was just busy or what, but in the end it really seemed like she regretted having offered to do it. I tried to let it go at the time but I couldn't help but feel hurt by it. I really would rather have not had a shower at all than have her throw one but make me feel like she resented it the whole time. I wound up feeling guilty and burdensome about the whole thing.

But I chalked it up to Covid stress and forgot about it. Until recently when it happened again. My DH and I are traveling overseas for the first time since Covid (belated honeymoon) and she offered to stay at our apartment with our dog while we were gone. Like last time, I did not ask her to do this and never expected her to offer. She had asked me how travel prep was going and I told her everything was set (so excited) but that I was mildly stressed because I had not yet found a sitter for our dog. We normally board her when we travel, at a doggie daycare near our apartment that we like. But we're going to be gone for two full weeks which is just too long to board her IMO. So I'd been looking for a house sitter or trying to figure out how to get the dog to my brother's place, which is 3 hours away, before we leave, and it was logistically challenging. And she excitedly offered to stay at our place. I was immediately interested because I'd much rather leave our dog with someone she knows and who we trust, and I said we'd give her the amount we would have paid a sitter since she'd have to do walks and deal with poop clean up and everything. She said that sounded good and I thought we were all set.

Well she came over last night for dinner and for us to walk her through what the dog needs. Which is pretty standard (out in morning to pee, two walks during day, out to pee before bed, dog gets crated at night). And again, we are paying her so this is not a favor. But just like with the shower last year, she is suddenly acting very annoyed with me, like this is all too much to ask or like our dog is super high maintenance or something. We leave next week so I really don't want to find a replacement for the dog but I already really regret agreeing to this because I feel like once again she's going to hold this over my head like she's doing me a massive favor, but she asked to do it and we are paying her.

What is this dynamic? Why does she offer to do these things but then seem annoyed with me? Is this my fault for accepting her offers, are these just courtesy offers and I'm supposed to beg off that no, I don't want/need her help? Or is there something I'm doing wrong that is making her annoyed, or what.

In both situations, I would have been totally happy if she had never offered in the first place. I would have zero resentment towards her if she'd never hosted a bridal shower or offered to housesit. But she did, and somehow this means I'm supposed to feel guilty or beholden I guess. I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Any insight?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she gets overwhelmed and in the future, don’t accept “offers” from her.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to say from here. Could she be an extreme people pleaser? They type who sees a problem and immediately wants to fix it but then becomes resentful of the work?

Either way, you need to not take her up on offers anymore. Just say thanks but you don't have to do that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is impulsive and wants to help, but then when she gets into it, she realizes that she didn't fully understand what she was getting into and was in over her head. She probably has ADHD (impulsive, bad follow through, anxiety when overwhelmed with planning and details).

Now you know. Next time she quickly makes an offer, tell her you will think about it. See if she brings it up again (she won't). If she offers again, highlight what the task will entail, and tell her you can both think about it. See if she offers again (she won't).

Either way, make sure you are both on the same page next time before you agree about something. Have all the details laid out. One person's simple bridal shower is another person's over the top extravaganza, you know? Details up front before agreement.

[Anonymous]

She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she gets overwhelmed and in the future, don’t accept “offers” from her.

+1. The offer is probably genuine but the doing is too stressful for her.

[Anonymous]

She wants to look good for offering. Stop accepting anything from her.

[Anonymous]

Please don't accept further offers of help from this person in the future.

She sounds like she has generous impulses but gets easily anxious and overwhelmed when it comes to actually doing the tasks.

I wouldn't put it past her to also get mildly offended that you're NOT jumping on her offers of help in the future! She sounds very unaware of herself.

[Anonymous]

What favors have you done for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

Two walks is standard, PP. Some dogs require 3, or hours spent throwing a ball, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to say from here. Could she be an extreme people pleaser? They type who sees a problem and immediately wants to fix it but then becomes resentful of the work?

Either way, you need to not take her up on offers anymore. Just say thanks but you don't have to do that.

This. It's people pleasing [sees self in mirror].

She wants to help/fix things for everyone, then gets overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is like this. She’s a people pleaser, but also gets overwhelmed easily. Example, she offered to watch a friend’s 2 young kids 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week for $300 a month (yes, really) and then immediately got overwhelmed and quit. I think she believes she needs to go to extremes to keep people liking her and continuing to be her friend. I’ve learned to decline any offers from her because she’ll get upset and bail (she’s offered to clean my house, watch my kids, throw me a baby shower, etc I just tell her it’s not needed).

BUT that being said, the dog care seems like a LOT. 2 walks a day plus being letting out twice a day is a lot to take on for someone who is not a professional pet sitter. Are you paying her professional sitting rates, or what you would pay a college student? That much service would run probably $150-200 a day for a professional (if my memory is right, sitting is usually $100 for an overnight plus $25 per walk for a professional service). If you’re trying to pay her $50 a day, yea, I’d be upset too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants to look good for offering. Stop accepting anything from her.

+1. She's one of those people who wants to look like the altruistic type and offers to do things, but never wants to be taken up on the offer. She is likely also the type that offers many things (hoping not to be taken up on them) so that when she needs things done, others will offer or she can ask people to do things for her and she will take them up on it. She wants the perks but doesn't want to do the work. So she gets cranky and tempermental when she actually has to do the work.

I've known many people like that. Do not accept her offers and do not offer to do anything for her. Keep the friendship at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants the feel good hit of offering but doesn’t realize what all it entails. Two walks during the day is a lot—does she work? I’d be annoyed by that too. Can you prepay 10 days of doggie daycare for her to drop the dog off during the day at least some of the time?

Two walks is standard, PP. Some dogs require 3, or hours spent throwing a ball, etc...

It may be standard, but is OP paying a standard rate? I was a professional pet sitter and people often wanted premium services (overnight plus multiple walks a day) but at a very low rate. I had many people request what OP wants for $30 a day, which is crazy.

My guess is that the friend thought it would be just sleeping there overnight and letting the dogs out AM/PM. If she also has to figure out how to do additional walks while also working and maintaining her home life, it’s too much.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the responses, this is actually really helpful. Agreed, in the future I will not accept offers of help from her, especially not big stuff like this. I like the suggestion to just say "I'll think about it" and see if she offers again, and then beg off or say I found another solution if she offers a second time. I am actually hoping maybe this is a learning experience for her as well, to not offer to do things like this without thinking it through first, because I'd love for this not to be an awkward thing for us going forward. I really regret agreeing to this one and can see now it was a bad idea from the start. I had a little voice in the back of my head saying "is it a good idea to hire a friend? does the money make this weird?" but I ignored it and I now see I should have listened.